299. Shadowed Sky (4)
After Kirhas left, Fernandez stared out the window without a word. The content of their conversation refused to settle in his mind.
Words floated in the air. When he had to comfort and send off Kirhas, who had been crying, when he had to refuse her plea to stay with her just for today. Her expression, and even his own reflection in her large eyes, were still etched in his memory.
His dry breath felt suffocating. He let out a sigh, not knowing how many times it had been.
‘It’s a blessing.’
He had never thought he would have a child, but denying the concept of family altogether was nothing but recklessness. Actions have consequences. Though it was done for a fleeting pleasure and a moment of peace, he had no intention of denying the outcome.
A descendant had been born between him and the great hero who once ruled the continent in his past life. Even if she wasn’t destined to become a chieftain or a great hero, the birth of a child should have been a joy and a happiness in itself.
It was something to be blessed. But… but.
‘Aria.’
He gazed at the night sky, heavy with oily darkness, feeling as if he were sinking into a deep swamp. Aria. Aria… You. Our son. Were my regrets, my goals, my ideals nothing but a fleeting bubble?
At the end of all the things I did for my son’s life and happiness, will my son be able to return to our side? Was my life… everything I’ve done so far… nothing but a dream in this lower dimension, a shadow of the main world?
-Fernandez. Stop it.
Faijashi spoke heavily. Even he, who had been cracking jokes earlier, fell silent when he heard that the child Kirhas was carrying was a girl. The gender of the child wasn’t important. But the fact that it wasn’t a son carried a completely different meaning.
The child born from him might not be the child from his past life. Even if he were to reconnect with Aria, even if he were to commit that shameless act again, a son might not be born from it.
The son from his past life might never appear in this era. If that’s the case… then what will remain by our side at the end of this journey, after we succeed in reversing the heavens?
What have we been running towards? A mirage, a rainbow, the flutter of a butterfly’s wings, the bubbles rising in a teacup. It’s no different from those.
-Stop it. Damn it. If I had hands, I would have slapped your cheek. Too bad.
‘If you had a body, you’d already be dead by my hand.’
-You sound like you’re still sane. That’s positive. Since we’re being positive, why not change your perspective to be even more positive?
‘Now… you’re saying that?’
Fernandez growled and glared at him, and Faijashi shrugged.
-What can’t we do? Before we were anyone’s father or anyone’s husband, we were mages. Even great and highly capable scholars at that. Hey. What use is a brain that’s lost its reason? Just hand your body over to me.
‘Reason?’
-Yes, reason. Let’s try a familiar thought experiment. Let’s set up a few hypotheses. One, our child might not be a son.
Faijashi began explaining, pointing his finger in the air.
-Two, even if a son is born, it’s impossible to prove that he’s the same child as the one from your past life. Even if you give him the same name, the same upbringing, even the same appearance. Is he really the same being?
‘What are you trying to say?’
-Stop being pathetic. Damn it. An eighty-year-old man acting like this. Is the current Kirhas the same as the Kirhas from your past life? Do you think the current Rene Philippa is the same as the Empress Carvelier from your past life? Even if King Vicente has a child and Vicente II is born, do you think the King Knight from your past life will be reincarnated?
It’s a familiar paradox. The paradox of the Delis Wall. If the wooden wall is reinforced with bronze and later becomes a bronze wall, can you consider that fortress the same as the one recorded in history?
It was the foundation of magical theory. The consideration of the continuity of existence. It was a time-honored paradox always mentioned in the understanding of the transformation process of magical power and the realization of magic.
Even more so because the same process could be applied to oneself.
‘Then… what are you suggesting?’
-You don’t know? The board is already set, there’s no way to turn back, and you don’t even want to go back! Fool… It was only two years ago that you were overjoyed at getting the last chance. Was your resolve… our resolve…! No. Was ‘my’ resolve just that weak?!
Faijashi shouted, glaring into Fernandez’s listless eyes. It wasn’t through voice, but through the connection of souls that his anger reached Fernandez. His anger, carrying more than just words, stabbed into Fernandez’s heart.
That’s right. Before the outcome is determined, all assumptions are meaningless. Regret is nothing but a hindrance that delays decision-making. A mage must be cold, and a strategist must be even colder. A strategist’s heart must beat slowly and heavily.
Once you’ve jumped onto the gambling table with the world itself as the stake. He had no choice. To stop is to regress, and the only condition for victory is to move forward. What must be walked and what can be gained is, literally, ‘everything.’
High risk, high return. It was a struggle beyond that level, with the entirety of both sides placed on the scales. With the problems piled up before him, he had no time to consider fate and cast stars.
But.
‘I need a break.’
Still, he needed to cool his head for a moment. Whatever it took. Fernandez organized his documents and picked up the greatsword leaning against the corner of the room, slinging it over his shoulder. The heavy weight felt reassuring.
After all, there was still time before Leia’s Flagship reached the inland. The research and experiments he was doing now weren’t immediately important. Even if he held onto them, it didn’t seem like there would be any progress.
He needed a breather, even if just for a moment. At least for now.
* * *
-Whoosh!!
The rain poured heavily, the wind rough. Every time the blade danced in the air, his head…
The raindrops paused above Lee, then poured down again.
The sensation of his hair curling and flowing felt unpleasant. But once more. The feeling of hot blood cooling in the cold rain, his limbs stiffening, was quite nice.
So once again. Whoosh, the raindrops tangled in the air, forming knots and dancing. Diemonica’s vision could catch the splashes of rain with the naked eye even in the middle of the ocean on a night with minimal light sources.
Blankly, he watched the scene once more.
As if magic flowed, he turned into the swirling rain—
-Thud!
“Hmm…?”
The air was blocked. Only then did he turn his gaze. Before him stood Abel, drenched in the rain. She held a longsword to the side, pressing against the blade of the greatsword.
“You might catch a cold.”
“Diemonica doesn’t catch colds.”
“…What if I catch one?”
Abel looked into Fernandez’s eyes, then closed her mouth again. Soon, she took a step back and adjusted her stance.
“If you’re going to catch a cold anyway, it’s better to sweat it out. Come on.”
She seemed to have a lot on her mind, so she offered to clear it with a sword dance. It was a considerate gesture, typical of her. Instead of prying or offering shallow sympathy, she encouraged him in her own way.
Fernandez raised his blade without a word. Even if they went all out, they knew they wouldn’t easily hurt each other. It was less burdensome than dancing alone.
-Clang!
“Your mind is heavy on the air.”
He deflected a strike lightly.
“Your sword energy can’t even cut through a piece of paper, let alone flesh.”
-Clang!
A grumble close to nagging. Abel wasn’t without frustration. This stubborn man was too accustomed to hiding his feelings, forgetting how to be honest.
It was a type often found among priests who had to listen to others’ confessions and hide their own sighs. In Abel’s view, his way of stewing in his worries alone was different from that of some evil dark mage or schemer. It felt closer to the life of an ascetic priest.
“So, will you confess to me?”
“About what?”
“Anything. Doesn’t have to be earnest.”
It was Abel’s way of joking, but Fernandez didn’t laugh. He spun his sword lightly, then let it hang by his side.
“It’s about Kirhas, isn’t it?”
“You knew?”
“About the pregnancy? I knew that much.”
She shrugged. It was no big deal. The birth of life should always be celebrated.
“It’s not the best timing, but in truth, the moment a new life is conceived, it becomes a good time, no matter when. There’s no world without uncertainties.”
“It’s a daughter.”
“Congratulations.”
She meant it. Abel had a dragon-like greed, but it didn’t mean she sought exclusivity. Her love wasn’t confined to exclusive realms. She loved the person themselves, not just the form of someone who loved only her.
“I still… still think about it. The image of that kid, begging me with tears in his eyes. The look of him asking me to kill him. My mistakes… The life I created dying under my hands. The cold, dry fingers as the warmth faded.”
The tiny hand reaching out from the swaddle, the nose resembling Aria’s, the curly hair like his.
The blue eyes craving his love, the young cheeks streaked with tears in pain.
[Father will return with proud results.]
The cruel father’s sarcasm, swallowing his shame as he turned and left that day.
The gaunt body. The heart pulsating with magic. The dull, sky-blue eyes gazing at death.
At the end of all those moments, he realized too late but never conveyed the words.
‘You… were always my pride.’
As a father, he should have been his son’s cradle, his ideal, his lighthouse.
He should have been.
Aria. I destroyed our love. It might be irreparable. Don’t forgive me. But I will drown in regret.
“Really. I can’t stand to see you like this today.”
-Bang!
“Ugh!”
Abel sighed and approached, then suddenly struck Fernandez’s chest. It was a blow strong enough to collapse his lungs. Fernandez gasped and crumpled, panting.
Unprepared, the shock was twice as intense. Abel looked down at him coldly.
“You’re so distracted you can’t even respond to such an attack. Tsk… What more can I say? Was that really your worry?”
Afraid you might not be a good enough father to the new life?
Abel spoke coldly.
“How pathetic! Before becoming a better father, shouldn’t you first become a better partner? Didn’t you think your selfish worries would be a dagger to someone else?”
“Abel.”
“Shut up!”
-Bang!
Abel reversed her sword and slammed it into the ground. Thud, the blade embedded into the hard wood, creating a heavy cracking sound.
“Go! Go to Kirhas. To her, you’re her first love, her first man. If a man like you creates a child and then mopes alone, what do you think she’s feeling now! Have you grown so old and still act so childish!”
Abel fumed for a while, then sheathed her sword and disappeared into the rain. Fernandez watched her back for a moment, then stood up.
The end of the world, the advent of hell, the gathering of great demons, the sealing of the Temple of the Gods, the civil war among the great lords…
Such significant events still loomed.
Yet, the deepest worry in his heart was the small life before him.
“A daughter. What should I name her?”
-Now?
“Suddenly. The thought came.”
He would ensure her future was free from hardship. Fernandez straightened his back and walked, suddenly bursting into laughter. Only then did it feel real. He was a father again.
A child cannot be the pride of their parents. A child is, from the moment of birth, already the pride of their parents.
So now, all that remains is for the parent to become the child’s pride.
It must be so. He would place everything in this world into those small hands.
Once was enough for regret. The future was still dark, still uncertain. But if there was one comfort, it was the certainty that it would end with his generation.
It must be so.
The venting was over. Now, only action remained.
* * *
Three days later, Leia’s flagship entered the western port city of Kirzat, Sharjah Harbor.
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