Looking back, I’ve always had no luck at all.
The intense battle had entered a brief lull, and only during that ambiguous time between lunch and dinner, when I opened my sealed combat rations to satisfy my hungry stomach, did I end up with the least tasty type B combat rations, as always.
The shrapnel from a shell that exploded not so far away had unluckily ricocheted toward me, leaving me with a semi-permanent disability in my right shoulder.
Or perhaps, I could say that I lost everyone I had been close to on the battlefield.
Looking back, I might just be the embodiment of misfortune. Is there anyone in this world who has worse luck than I do?
The reason I’m suddenly spilling out this stream of lament is that there’s a purpose behind it.
“I heard everything….”
After vomiting out all the remnants of the drug and wiping away the blood, as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, those were the words I heard.
“…What?”
I inadvertently let out a dumbfounded sound. It wasn’t unusual for Sofia Sub-priest to follow me, but I never imagined she would be right at the entrance of the men’s bathroom.
She said she heard everything. Could it be that she overheard me shouting in the bathroom?
I recalled the statements I had uttered in the bathroom. They were all controversial remarks that might seem strange to others.
‘…This is bad.’
It meant I had more to tidy up. I swallowed dryly and looked down at Sofia Sub-priest.
“Um, Sofia Sub-priest.”
“Sniff….”
Her tear-stained green eyes were directed at me. The moment I saw those glistening eyes distorted with tears, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.
As I stood there silently, unable to utter a word, Sofia Sub-priest suddenly rushed toward me.
“Waaah…. Head Priest…!”
“…?”
Suddenly charging at me, she hugged my waist, buried her face against my chest, and began to sniffle.
“I…I… If you’re not here….”
“…No, um.”
“Waaah—!”
I felt my chest getting wet. Before my priestly robe got completely soaked in tears, I held her shoulders and pulled her face back.
“Sofia Sub-priest.”
“Sniff…. Head Priest….”
“Why are you doing this all of a sudden? First, calm down.”
“But, but….”
Even though I tried my best to speak in a gentle tone, Sofia Sub-priest continued to sniffle and cry.
I didn’t understand why. She said she heard everything I said in the bathroom, so why is she crying like this? Is it because she thought I might be in pain from throwing up blood?
If so, I needed to clear up that misunderstanding. I firmly held onto Sofia Sub-priest’s shoulders and opened my mouth.
“Sofia Sub-priest. I’m okay. Throwing up blood doesn’t hurt as much as it seems.”
“…….”
Her eyes widened in surprise at my words. I don’t know what that response meant, but at least it was a relief that she stopped crying.
“It really doesn’t hurt. There’s a slight discomfort when I throw up blood, but since it’s just part of the process of expelling the remnants, it’s not that painful….”
“Waaah—!”
“Oh, no….”
That was my misconception. Sofia Sub-priest burst into even louder tears.
I felt my shirt getting even wetter than before, and with a somewhat resigned demeanor, I slowly rubbed the back of her head. Where did I go wrong with my words?
After a few minutes of gently patting her head, the sobs of Sofia Sub-priest, who had been crying softly, began to subside.
This should be enough. I gently stroked her lush bobbed hair and called her name.
“Sofia Sub-priest.”
“Sniff…. Sniff….”
“Sofia Sub-priest. Please calm down. Enough.”
“Sniff…. Sniff….”
“If you keep crying, I won’t buy you ice cream next time.”
“…Huh!”
It was just something I threw out there, but surprisingly, it worked. I gently removed her face from my body, as her crying had completely stopped.
“…Sofia Sub-priest.”
Her appearance was a mess. Her tear-soaked, sparkling green eyes and her face with her bottom lip tightly bitten as she sniffled.
Perhaps because she had been crying continuously after meeting my gaze, the skin around her eyes had turned bright red and swollen. I quickly wiped away the tears accumulating at her eyes and spoke.
“Are you calmed down now?”
“…….”
“Sofia Sub-priest?”
“Head Priest, do you….”
A cracked voice slipped out. I nodded silently as I continued to stroke her head.
“Yes. I’m listening.”
“Is it that you don’t trust me…?”
“…What?”
I had felt this before, but it seemed like Sofia Sub-priest was on a different wavelength than me. It felt like the topics of our conversation were mismatched.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Did you think…. Hmph…! Why were you hiding such important things…?”
“That is….”
The remnants of the narcotic-laced medication I had taken before were lingering inside me, and when I took the medication to expel them, it would come out in the form of throwing up blood.
The reason I didn’t outright tell Sofia Sub-priest this was not simply because I didn’t trust her.
If I didn’t trust her, I would never have brought up my past in the first place. In this academy, there was no one who knew me better than Sofia Sub-priest and Laura.
That fact didn’t mean that I completely trusted and accepted Sofia Sub-priest and Laura, but….
At least, among those I could talk to openly, Sofia Sub-priest was the only one. Laura was too young to fully understand my situation.
However, the reason I didn’t talk about throwing up blood and kept it hidden from Sofia Sub-priest was….
“I thought Sofia Sub-priest would worry for no reason.”
In the end, that was it. I didn’t want the people around me to be unhappy because of me.
If I explained that I was expelling the remnants in the form of throwing up blood, Sofia Sub-priest would certainly fixate on the medication with narcotic components first. I thought that digging into that would lead to no end.
Even if I somehow got past the topic of narcotic components, the fact that I was expelling those remnants by throwing up blood wouldn’t change.
No matter how much I explained that I felt no pain during that process, would Sofia Sub-priest easily believe it? I myself would find it hard to believe.
Moreover, if Sofia Sub-priest were to ask, “If those remnants remain in your body, what kind of negative influence could they have that you’re trying to expel them?” I would have to answer, “I hear hallucinations of Helena, and I see illusions.”
Then it would be….
“An uproar.”
When I think about it step by step, I could somewhat understand why Sofia Sub-priest was crying for me. Wiping the tear streaks on her cheeks with my hand, I opened my mouth again.
“I thought Sofia Sub-priest would worry for no reason…. That’s why I kept it hidden.”
“For no reason, worry…?”
“Yes. It’s not a serious matter, so I didn’t want to trouble you, Sofia Sub-priest….”
“Did my knowing that become a burden for you?”
“No, that’s not what I meant….”
“Are you saying I shouldn’t know that Head Priest has little time left?!”
“…What?”
Sofia Sub-priest’s expression grew even more sorrowful. Her eyes drooped, and her lips protruded as I could only stare at her.
“Why shouldn’t I know that I have little time left with the Head Priest? Is that something that just seems like ‘unnecessary worry’ to you? Is that really the case?”
“No, Sofia Sub-priest. What on earth are you…?”
“Don’t dodge the question!”
“…….”
I couldn’t grasp what kind of answer she wanted from me. I silently listened to her whimpering words.
“I… Although it hasn’t been long since I met you, I thought that we could at least share our worries and concerns with each other….”
“That’s the same for me….”
“But, you’ve hidden it again this time….”
“…….”
At the beginning of the semester, she had asked me about the reason I collapsed while protecting the students. I hadn’t explained it to her.
At that time, I thought I wasn’t that close to Sofia Sub-priest, and even if we became close, I was certain that I would never share the things I had gone through.
But that wasn’t the case. Moved by Sofia Sub-priest’s earnest attitude, I eventually opened up about my situation.
And now.
“I wanted you to trust me as much as I trust you….”
With those tear-stained words from Sofia Sub-priest, I realized.
I had once again tried to run away without a plan.
While Sofia Sub-priest was prepared to overcome this difficult time with me, I had been assuming things and just vaguely trying to bypass it.
Yes. When thinking about how long throwing up blood to expel the remnants would continue, it made no sense to keep hiding that fact.
“I need to explain properly.”
I steeled myself and made up my mind.
“Head Priest. Please tell me now….”
“Sofia Sub-priest….”
“What kind of illness do you have?”
“Actually, I used to take a narcotic… eh?”
Both Sofia Sub-priest and I pressed our lips together, facing each other.
Suddenly speaking of an illness. What illness was she talking about? Did she want to say that I was sick?
And it seemed I wasn’t the only one confused by what the other had said. Sofia Sub-priest’s eyes were trembling heavily.
“Narcotic…?”
“It’s not just narcotics; it’s a medication that contains those components….”
“How much must you have suffered that you resorted to drugs?!”
“No, Sofia Sub-priest. Let me explain….”
“How far has your condition progressed? What illness do you have? What did the hospital say about how much time you have left?”
“Sofia Sub-priest!”
I began to discern the misunderstandings that were tangled up. I called out Sofia Sub-priest’s name loudly, and she blinked her clear eyes at me.
“Sofia Sub-priest. I have a rough idea of what you’re trying to say, but I’m not particularly ill.”
“Don’t lie again….”
“It’s not a lie. Throwing up blood isn’t because I’m seriously ill or anything like that.”
As I spoke with as serious a look as I could muster, Sofia Sub-priest’s expression became confused.
“Then, what about the narcotics?”
“A while ago, when my condition was far worse than it is now, I was prescribed medication that contained narcotic components. They are very strong antidepressants.”
“But throwing up blood….”
“That’s because of the new medication I was prescribed recently. The remnants of the narcotic I took before remain in my body, and it’s merely a process of expelling them. The old blood is expelled along with it, so it doesn’t hurt.”
“…….”
“You’re mistaken in thinking I’m suffering from any terminal illness.”
Sofia Sub-priest lowered her head. Naturally, she ended up burying her face against my chest again.
“I’ll explain the whole situation later, but for now, this is the gist of it.”
“…….”
“Do you understand?”
Sofia Sub-priest’s body began to shake. I placed my hand on her arms that were tightly wrapped around me.
“…Um, Sofia Sub-priest.”
“…Yes?”
“If the misunderstanding is cleared up, could you please let go?”
“…No.”
Sofia Sub-priest hugged me tighter. I could feel her warm breath through my shirt.
“Just for a moment, please stay like this….”
“…….”
The tips of Sofia Sub-priest’s ears, peeking through her hair, had already turned bright red. With her body constricting around me like that, I could only stand still in silence.
I was finally freed from Sofia Sub-priest after quite a while.
