After talking with Chloe, who had awakened in the middle of the night, I returned to my guest room and sat alone.
In the end, I had said everything. Not to Professor Esther or anyone else, but to Chloe. To the student I teach… everything.
I don’t even know why. It was a question I couldn’t clearly answer.
It was strange. The previous me, just a few months ago… seemed to not want to share my story with anyone. Aside from Sophia Sub-priest, who had learned about my circumstances out of necessity, no one knew the detailed events I had experienced.
The circumstances under which Sophia Sub-priest came to know about my situation also don’t make sense. I could have hidden it better if I wanted to. I could have kept it from being discovered by Sophia Sub-priest and simply hinted at a superficial excuse like, “I participated in the Great War.”
I did not do that.
So why? Why did I keep giving leeway to Sophia Sub-priest? It was as if I were advertising, “I am a person who has experienced a terrible ordeal, leading to a wounded heart.” Why? Why did I do that?
The first person to learn that I participated in the Great War was Professor Esther.
She had seen me sitting nervously alone on a courtyard bench on the day of the entrance ceremony and came to check on me even after the ceremony ended.
We briefly greeted each other, and thanks to Professor Esther’s friendly nature, we quickly became on a first-name basis and shared some black tea…
As I drank the tea, old memories resurfaced, and without any hesitation, I unwittingly revealed to Professor Esther that I had participated in the Great War.
Why did I do that to Professor Esther? Wasn’t it something I wanted to keep hidden? Why did I want to hide these things in the first place?
It was because I thought it would hurt. I was engulfed in anxiety that if the people around me realized the pain I was experiencing, they would suffer just like me. I knew all too well that pain does not diminish by sharing it; it only increases the number of people who suffer.
For that reason, I vowed to never speak of my past to anyone.
Then, I should have kept it all hidden until the very end.
From the very first day of the entrance ceremony, I had unwittingly hinted to Professor Esther that I had participated in the Great War.
In front of Sophia Sub-priest, I kept giving her leeway, causing kind-hearted Sophia Sub-priest to worry about me in my anxious state. Given Sophia Sub-priest’s personality, who cannot idly watch others suffer, she began to question what had happened to me…
Eventually, I opened up to Sophia Sub-priest.
While it was true that I had undergone some unfortunate experiences in that process, objectively speaking, the decision to speak about myself was mine to make.
I chose to speak. Just like I am doing now.
Now, I vaguely realize that my detailed confession to Chloe was not an impulsive act.
The reason was too simple. That’s why I feel so foolish.
I couldn’t bear it alone. I also knew that sharing my pain would become someone else’s suffering. Yet, I chose to share that burden with those I held closest.
“In the end, you were a hypocrite.”
I turned my head.
Sitting across from me was Cesar.
“Me, a hypocrite?”
“Yeah.”
Cesar nodded, chuckling, and then suddenly turned his gaze out the window of the guest room. I did not take my eyes off him.
“Do you remember what I said before?”
“…What?”
“What was it… when you were reading that strange book. I said something, right?”
– After reading a book like this, if you really start thinking positively as the title suggests, it’s a sign that your ego has succumbed to hypocrisy.
“Right. You said that.”
“……”
“What was the name of that book? 101 Ways to Think Positively? 100 Ways? Something like that.”
“You are a hypocrite.” Cesar’s voice pierced through.
“Lucio. You think you don’t want to share your pain with others, yet in reality, you acted exactly the opposite.”
“That’s… not true.”
“What’s not true? Your actions up until now are saying otherwise.”
“……”
“You still don’t understand. Or maybe you do but are deliberately looking away?”
“What do you mean…?”
“Lucio. What do you think is the definition of hypocrisy?”
The definition of hypocrisy. Although I wasn’t unfamiliar with the dictionary meaning, I hesitated to answer.
“You know, but you can’t respond.”
“……”
“Why can’t you respond? Are you afraid that what you think is the right answer might not be? If you dig too rigidly into the dictionary meaning, you might stray from the truth I’m trying to convey? No, not at all.”
You’re just wasting time. That’s what you fear.
“Why didn’t God… no, why didn’t the Lord save you? Is this a trial given by the Lord? Is it some kind of temptation from Satan? Haven’t you ever thought about that? Haven’t you ever resented the Lord even once?”
“I… haven’t.”
“No, Lucio. What I want is not that kind of answer. Why do you keep getting swept up in self-loathing and refuse to reveal your true feelings? That’s what makes it hypocritical. That’s what I mean.”
“That’s not hypocrisy.”
“It is. Unfortunately.”
“……”
“You keep hiding your true feelings, hiding, and hiding again…. How many around you truly know your real self? Do any exist at all?”
None. No one.
That fact drove me crazy once. Thinking that no one understood me, that no one empathized with me.
Are they monsters wearing the mask of humans? Those passing by me, front, back, and beside, are all ambiguous creatures wearing masks? Do they possess a dulled sense of empathy?
“Don’t be too confirmation-biased. You only analyze based on the thoughts you’ve tightly hidden in your head, and then try to prove that isolated belief and thought through other people. Who would empathize with that?”
“……”
“Let’s say you think one plus one is three. You firmly believe that one plus one equals three, and you don’t even try to change.”
But what do average people think?
“They already know that one plus one equals two. Yet, you want to show them your thoughts, your ideas, your world and insist that ‘one plus one equals three,’ expecting them to empathize with that?”
“…No.”
“Right. Maybe not. In fact, I realize this analogy is a bit exaggerated. It doesn’t fit.”
Cesar shrugged his shoulders. His gaze remained fixed outside.
“I’m not saying that what’s in your head is simply wrong. What I want to convey is that your actions, which you believe are right, are hypocritical because you try to implement them in a completely different way in reality.”
Dropping trash on the road is bad. That’s common knowledge.
And yet, I’m busily dropping trash on the road without realizing it. At the same time, I preach, “You shouldn’t drop trash on the road.”
That is hypocrisy.
“Right. You get it.”
“……”
“Then, let’s go back to that question…. What do you want to do?”
Me, what do I want to do?
“Right. Until now, you’ve chosen to remain silent, refusing to share the pain with others, but now, you’ve started spilling everything. There must be a reason, right? Your true feelings.”
So, tell me.
Cesar turned his head. His bloodshot eyes glimmered eerily in the air.
“What do you really want? What is it that you desire?”
“……”
“Don’t expect that I’m going to answer for you like I just did if you maintain this silence. In the end, I am just an illusion created by your imagination.”
Answer me.
Answer me. Quickly.
Answer me. Why did I do that? Why did I explain to Professor Esther, to Sophia Sub-priest, and… to Chloe?
Why did I do that? What was I thinking? Did I lose my mind for a moment?
Was it because I was so tired? That seems odd. Wasn’t I getting better little by little?
“Oh, oh. You’re rolling down an odd path again. With such a good head on your shoulders.”
“……”
“You’re stepping back into the realm of hypocrisy again. Get a grip.”
Get a grip. Lucio Antorelli. Get a grip.
“How does it feel? Are you feeling a bit more awake now?”
“…Yes.”
“Then, answer me now.”
What do you want to do?
“After coming to this distant Holy Empire, to a place where people who hurled insults at you were crowded… What do you want? Why did you come here? What was your purpose in accepting Sophia Sub-priest’s travel plan in the first place?”
“…….”
“…Lastly, what was the reason you told your story to Chloe? What do you…”
What do you want to do?
What on earth are you doing this for?
Five seconds, ten seconds, thirty seconds, one minute passed in silence…. It was a long time.
“I want to live.”
“…….”
“Yeah, I want to live. I did it because I want to live.”
If I don’t do this, it’s clear that I’ll sink slowly.
Without obtaining any goal in life, hidden in the shadows of my past, including Helena, I would have to live hunched over.
“So, I will live.”
“Your life?”
“My life. By living like this, I will let go of Helena… and you.”
Cesar’s face began to distort. The flesh splitting from his jaw, the head blooming open like a flower, pieces of bones and flesh scattering in the air, eyes bursting forth…
Moving his severely broken jaw beneath.
“Wonderful. Excellent. Lucio.”
You have finally broken free from hypocrisy.
“…….”
I blinked once. The horrific image of Cesar had completely vanished.
I nodded. Even though there was no one to acknowledge my nodding, I still nodded.
“Puhuh…”
And then, I laughed.
“Keuh… hehehe…. Hahaha…!”
Let’s laugh. Let’s laugh more. While we can, let’s laugh a lot.
Because no one knows what will happen from now on. Since I’ve decided to break free from the shadows of my past, I must pay the price for that courage.
I can endure a moment’s pain. I’m used to it. I’ve become accustomed to pretending that it doesn’t hurt, even though I secretly feel it.
I wasn’t crazy at all. Instead, I felt like my head cleared up.
In the past, I thought it was important to move forward step by step, not to rush. Convincing myself that it was the best way to overcome my post-traumatic stress, I deceived myself.
No, that’s not it. You know that well, right?
Slowly pulling out a lodged thorn only prolongs the painful time.
It’s important to pull it out all at once. All at once.
So, on this journey… I will.
“Speak.”
I will speak to Sophia Sub-priest. And I will apologize.
To confess that every time I saw Sophia Sub-priest, I reflected Helena’s image.
To confess that I had been tangled up with others due to my own indecisiveness.
And, I will keep living.
Remembering Helena. However, it’s now time to let her go.
“Hah…”
I felt relieved.
I was now ready to run.
