Borrowing Time
I thought the time had lost its meaning to me, but it was precisely that very time that I borrowed.
Yes. The hostage was time itself. I tried to sell the future to fill in the past.
To forget the arduous times, I had to sell countless amounts of my future like the sea. It was almost as if I were selling my own life.
I took time as collateral. I only looked back at the past, betting my future, my opaque future. But from today on, that changes.
I will now reclaim the future that I had paid for.
If I have made up my mind, then it is time for action.
Standing before me, with the Bible tucked under her arm, was Acolyte Camilla, her gaze a mix of faith in me and distrust toward me.
“…Acolyte Camilla.”
I called her name. My voice did not tremble.
Acolyte Camilla’s glare turned toward me. While the light of distrust slightly faded from her eyes, it surged back as she scanned my expression.
I couldn’t tell what expression my face wore.
But at least I knew it wasn’t hidden behind a mask like before.
I opened my mouth.
“I want to talk about your sister… Acolyte Camillia.”
It was a choice. It felt too heavy to consider it the crossroads of life and death, yet it certainly wasn’t a light matter either… something like that.
The muscles in Acolyte Camilla’s face slowly relaxed as if she had let go of some tension. Soon, a vacant expression appeared on her face.
“Wh-what…?”
“I want to discuss Acolyte Camillia.”
“……”
Acolyte Camilla still wore a blank expression. In front of her, I slowly began to speak.
“At first, I found it strange. I was very angry.”
Yes, it was a strange matter. Upon reflection, Acolyte Camilla had been excessively hostile toward me. I recalled the day I first met Acolyte Camilla and Priest Peter.
“Do you happen to know a priest named Helena?”
Right after I welcomed the two of them at the Academy, that was the first thing Acolyte Camilla said.
I had thought that Acolyte Camilla had received some hint from Priest Helena. It was rare to retrieve such things, and in a chaotic battlefield, even a thin, fragile letter was hard to keep intact, but it was still possible to write and send a letter.
But that wasn’t the case. From the moment Acolyte Camilla overheard the conversation between me and Priest Peter in the Head Priest’s office, she had vaguely realized my existence.
She certainly did not know everything about me. For she never recognized my face from the beginning.
The gaze she cast at me when we first met at the Academy’s main gate was not that of someone who knew me well.
Perhaps she had picked up some hints during the conversation with Priest Peter. When Priest Peter started talking about the great war, I had reacted particularly sensitively.
Of course, I don’t know how she deduced that Helena and I knew each other. Only Acolyte Camilla would know that.
Beyond noticing the connection between Helena and me, Acolyte Camilla had thrown countless hints my way.
“Why did Head Priest Antoinneri do nothing when Priest Helena was dying right in front of him?”
For example, she had acted as if she were trying to blame Helena’s death on me.
Or, while bringing up that story, she had taken an unusually hostile attitude toward me.
It couldn’t have been that she simply intended to blame Helena’s death on me.
If she had genuinely meant to say such a thing, the words Acolyte Camilla had directed toward me were disrespectful not only to me but also to Helena’s death. Acolyte Camilla was not someone who could be unaware of that.
In fact, she had been testing me in a different sense. She was angry with me in another way.
Her sister, Acolyte Camillia.
I had told her about Helena. It was a story I didn’t particularly want to voice, but my mental state at that time was quite unstable. I needed someone to lean on.
And unconsciously, I thought that person was Acolyte Camillia.
That was another sin I had committed. A thing I needed to deeply reflect upon.
“Was my explanation wrong?”
“……”
Upon hearing my lengthy and detailed explanation, Acolyte Camilla donned a semblance of confusion and disbelief, feelings somewhere between astonishment and bewilderment traced on her face.
“Acolyte Camilla. It’s not important how you came to know the connection between me and Helena.”
“Can I take that to mean it has become unimportant?”
“Rather than unimportant, I want to say it has become something I’m no longer bound by.”
“……”
Acolyte Camilla, having heard my answer, finally relaxed as she stared into space, her expression sharpening with newfound determination. A piercing gaze, filled with emotions, shot toward me.
Her fiercely furrowed brow, the tilted eyebrows that seemed angry, and above all, a sharp glare. All three elements turned toward me.
“…So, is that so?”
“Acolyte Camilla.”
“I seem to have misjudged people. When I left the Academy, I at least thought your feelings for Professor Helena were genuine.”
“That feeling has not changed.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Just earlier, you said you were no longer bound, and now you say that?”
“……”
“No, more importantly… Did you know from the beginning?”
Acolyte Camilla had even dropped her formalities. She no longer referred to me as ‘Head Priest.’
“You knew all along… and yet continued to act that way?”
“…What I know for certain is now. Until now, it was merely speculation buried in my subconscious.”
“Isn’t that the same thing? You can’t possibly….”
Her words trailed off as Acolyte Camilla glared at me for a long time. I did not avert my gaze.
It is true that I suffer from guilt. I did commit an act against Acolyte Camillia that was irreversible and hard to tolerate. There is no reason for me to be proud.
However, there is no longer a reason to run away.
If I cannot act proudly, nor can I run away with my tail between my legs… then there is only one thing left for me to do.
I stood before Acolyte Camilla and slowly bowed my body. Acolyte Camilla, who had been glaring at me, spoke in a slightly flustered tone.
“W-what are you doing all of a sudden…?”
“I apologize. For now, it seems appropriate to kneel and continue the conversation.”
“No, that’s….”
Acolyte Camilla’s eyes began to shift around, and she forced my kneeling body back up, glaring at me as if she wanted to kill me.
“…Are you doing this on purpose?”
“Not at all.”
“Then, sigh….”
Acolyte Camilla let out a lengthy sigh of frustration before pointing to a bench behind me. It was the bench where Cesar and I had been sitting.
“First, sit down.”
Acolyte Camilla had reverted to her formal tone. It seemed she had calmed down to some extent.
As is often the case, people tend to panic when an overwhelming amount of unexpected information floods in. Acolyte Camilla must have experienced something similar.
Acolyte Camilla walked over and sat on the bench behind me. Cesar had long vanished.
“Please, sit here.”
I slowly took a seat next to her, a little distance away. The piercing gaze following my action was sharp enough to feel like a burn.
“…We seem to have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”
“Indeed.”
“Sigh… Where should we start?”
In that brief moment, her tone returned to normal. Acolyte Camilla was a person whose reason often prevailed over instinct.
Seeing her reminded me too much of my former self and left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“First, Head Priest Antoinneri… I want to talk about the day I first met you.”
In Acolyte Camilla’s eyes, a blend of determination and guilt sat separately, like oil and water, without mixing. I maintained my gaze, not flinching.
‘…Is this the right thing to do?’
On one hand, I felt a prickle of fear. Could I really ask Acolyte Camillia for forgiveness?
Helena was the same, but regarding Acolyte Camillia… Wasn’t it really my fault?
…Should I be thankful that I stopped even now?
To sink or to suffer wounds. The world must inevitably be one of the two.
“…It was before my sister lost consciousness.”
I simply chose to suffer wounds before it was too late.
*
Camilla hated hospitals.
For her, hospitals always smelled like something foul, enough to make her nose twitch. The strong odor of antiseptic was particularly unbearable for someone as sensitive as Camilla.
And after the great war ended.
Camilla grew even more averse to hospitals. For someone like her, who had devoted herself to treating others in the rear, when she deemed a person’s condition hopeless, amputating a limb immediately required an excessive amount of antiseptic.
As a result, Camilla had come to detest the stinging smell of antiseptic that was reminiscent of sour and sickly detergent. It was not just a simple dislike; she truly hated it deeply.
Nevertheless, just like every day, Camilla prepared to head to Saint Antonio Hospital at the break of dawn.
She got dressed, neatly combed her hair, washed her face thoroughly, and brushed her teeth.
She still skipped breakfast. Having a leisurely breakfast in the battlefield was little more than a luxury, and it was ingrained in her habits.
“…Alright. Done.”
Looking in the mirror, Camilla checked her white teeth and cleanliness carefully, nodding in satisfaction.
Having finished all preparations, she stepped out of the house. The warm sunlight unrelentingly attacked her eyes.
Autumn had passed, and winter had just begun. The crisp air was refreshing enough to clear her nostrils.
Of course, Acolyte Camilla’s heart heading toward the hospital was not in a good state. It felt heavy, as if she had swallowed a multitude of rocks.
‘Will everything be alright…?’
Her sister, Acolyte Camillia, had been conscripted to the frontlines just like her father. To help Camilla attend the Academy, acquiring a land grant in the Empire had become the root of trouble.
Though her father would not come back alive… Acolyte Camillia made it back, somehow, alive. Though she had to live with a limp, the fact that she returned alive was priceless.
“Ugh…!”
Acolyte Camilla tightened her clothes and did not stop walking. Today was the day of Acolyte Camillia’s regular check-up. She wanted to meet her as soon as possible.
Her steps, piercing through the cold winter air, soon reached Saint Antonio Hospital, where Acolyte Camillia was staying.
