The winter wind still blew sharply.
I was swaying precariously like a lamp in front of the wind.
The wheelchair carrying Acolyte Camillia slowly approached me. I couldn’t clearly see the expression on Priest Camilla, who stood behind her.
“Hello, Reverend Antenelli.”
I couldn’t find my voice to respond.
Acolyte Camillia had lost her former appearance. Her body looked gaunt, and her skin was pale, as if all the vitality had drained away.
And above all, the grayish-white eyes staring at me.
Once filled with hope, they had fought against the darkness of despair and shone brightly.
“Camillia… Priest…?”
“I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
It was almost completely extinguished. After all, I was the one who had snuffed out the spark of hope that Acolyte Camillia had.
Her eyes, as desolate as a barren desert, turned toward me. Meeting that gaze, I unconsciously shuddered. The eyes were so cold that there was no trace of warmth.
“…….”
“Priest Lucio. At least acknowledge her. You ignored her outright before.”
As I stood there staring at Acolyte Camillia, she spoke with a somewhat stiff expression. I quickly lowered my head and opened my mouth.
“It’s been a while. Acolyte Camillia.”
No response came. The wheelchair, which had briefly stopped in front of me, creaked and moved closer.
I slowly straightened my bent waist. Acolyte Camillia’s closer gaze felt very daunting.
“Uh, um… Acolyte….”
“First, let’s walk a bit.”
As the cold winter wind brushed against my cheeks, Acolyte Camillia moved the wheelchair and began to pass by me. I quickly followed her side.
The park was very quiet. Since lunch hour had just passed, the children didn’t need to come to the church for snacks, and anyone leisurely spending time in the park in the middle of the week was probably a loafer or unemployed. Such people were extremely scarce.
Even as Acolyte Camillia and I walked through the park surrounded by stark winter branches, there was no one to hear our conversation.
“Reverend Antenelli.”
As we turned halfway around the park, Acolyte Camillia spoke first. I quickly turned my head toward her.
“Yes, I’m listening.”
“Have you been well?”
“…….”
It’s a common greeting, but for some reason, it struck me as a statement laced with meaning. I felt a sharp ache near my chest.
I bit my lip to hide my feelings. I had come here with a determined heart, and if I kept wavering like this, I would achieve nothing.
“Yes, I’m doing okay.”
“I see.”
“…Yes.”
After that, our conversation fell silent for a while. I felt a bit impatient and glanced at Priest Camilla.
Priest Camilla was pushing Acolyte Camillia’s wheelchair while silently gazing ahead, not even glancing my way.
“While I was lying down…”
Acolyte Camillia spoke again. Her grayish-white eyes fixed on me, seeming to pierce through me.
“There must have been many events.”
“…Yes, that’s right.”
“I heard from Camilla. Thanks to you, Reverend Antenelli, she was able to escape from the demons where she was sent.”
“Ah, that’s….”
“Although it’s a bit late, thank you for saving Camilla.”
Had she heard about the exorcism ceremony from Camilla? It wasn’t particularly recent, considering it was several months ago, but still.
“I was quite surprised. Just a few months ago, something like that happened to Camilla….”
At least, it wouldn’t be so for Acolyte Camillia.
The conversation fell silent again. I had sensed it a little earlier, but the dialogue between Acolyte Camillia and me was entirely being led by her.
Moreover, there was this peculiar atmosphere that seemed to crawl up my skin.
“I was relieved to hear you were there, Reverend Antenelli. Camilla is still inexperienced in many ways.”
“Not at all.”
“Thanks to you, Camilla is safe…. I was quite alarmed when I heard it at first, but now it seems alright. Perhaps it’s because Camilla is safe.”
The source of that peculiar atmosphere lay hidden in the conversation I was sharing with Acolyte Camillia.
“Camilla has also attended the Academy, you know—the Caldera Imperial Academy where you work, Reverend Antenelli.”
“…….”
“Well, that’s all old news. Just a long-past story….”
Acolyte Camillia was engaging in the conversation now without any attached emotions.
Talking to someone devoid of feelings is frightening. A conversation without the slightest emotion, every minuscule sign that should invariably be visible to a person thoroughly hidden.
It felt like I was conversing with a doll, vaguely resembling a person, that only echoed back the responses I wanted to hear, making me uneasy.
After a while of silently gazing around the park, Acolyte Camillia finally spoke again.
“Camilla went through a great deal of emotional turmoil. While I was lying down, she must have had to support the family as well and had to give up on her studies. It must have been hard for her to return to the Academy.”
“…….”
“Camilla has a very strong desire to study. I remember how excited she was when she received good grades from a respected professor.”
“Um… Sister….”
Priest Camilla scratched her cheek with an awkward expression. Acolyte Camillia, looking at her, smiled softly.
“Why be shy about it? Dedicating oneself to studies as a student is certainly something to be proud of.”
“Ah, but… there’s no need to tell that in front of other people….”
“Hehe… Sorry? I was quite insensitive as a sister.”
She still held that dry gaze, devoid of any discernible feelings.
The conversation fell silent once more. A heavy silence enveloped the space between Acolyte Camillia and me, as the cold winter wind slipped in. It was inevitably stealing away our body heat.
“By the way, this park has changed a lot.”
Acolyte Camillia said as she looked around. I followed her gaze and surveyed the park.
Trees left with only sparse branches, flower beds that were so bare not even insects could be found, and pale snow piled high atop shrubs that came up to my knees.
“I saw it last when it wasn’t winter.”
“…….”
What had time taken away from Acolyte Camillia, I wondered.
No, to phrase it differently….
“By the way, Reverend Antenelli.”
“…Yes?”
“I heard you had something you wanted to say to me… is it alright if I hear it now?”
What exactly had I caused Acolyte Camillia to lose in her life?
My heart sank. I swallowed dryly and met Acolyte Camillia’s grayish-white gaze directly.
The grayish-white eyes, which had momentarily dived into reflection as if recalling past memories, rolled around and then focused on me, unwavering. However, something that began to lightly flicker started to pop up like sparks from those eyes and then disappeared.
“Please, tell me. My condition isn’t quite right yet, and it’s tough to stay out in this cold wind for long.”
In that brief moment, I saw it.
The glimmer of the hope that could still be seen in Acolyte Camillia’s eyes. The eternal sacred flame that must not be extinguished.
Even if that flame had cooled down momentarily, with just a sprinkle of dry firewood and a bit of air, it would surely blaze bright once again.
I confirmed that within Acolyte Camillia’s eyes.
“Ah.”
So, that was it.
No matter how hard I tried to extinguish it. The harsh words I had spoken to Acolyte Camillia, and the despair-ridden me who had sowed despair onto Acolyte Camillia as well, that led to living in a story of mine that no one could empathize with because I didn’t voice it.
Acolyte Camillia still hadn’t lost that light.
As the intensity of the light weakened, the fire began to dwindle gradually, and the firewood to keep it ablaze had vanished into faintness. Somehow, she was managing to keep that flickering ember alive.
Acolyte Camillia had not yet sunk into an irretrievable depth of despair.
That thought alone provided me immense relief.
“Acolyte Camillia.”
“Yes, Reverend Antenelli.”
I was finally able to face Acolyte Camillia directly.
The sound of crows crying out in the evening echoed in my ears. My eyes remained fixed on Acolyte Camillia.
Slowly, very slowly, I lowered my head. The faces of Acolyte Camillia and Priest Camilla faded, and only Acolyte Camillia’s feet filled my vision.
I went lower still. My body bent naturally.
Closer and closer to the ground, until, in the end, the stone tile floor of the park’s walking path, dusted with sparse snow, came right up to my nose.
So Acolyte Camillia could certainly see me. With a heart full of reverence before that sacred flame, wherein the spark of hope had not yet died out.
“I’m sorry.”
I knelt before Acolyte Camillia.
“I’m sorry. Acolyte Camillia… really, truly sorry.”
“…….”
“I mean, I….”
“What are you sorry for?”
From above, Acolyte Camillia’s voice came to me. It was a question I had envisioned countless times, and I had given a different answer to that question several times.
And thanks to that, I was now prepared to give an earnest response.
“I… spoke harshly to Acolyte Camillia.”
If she were to ask me, “What are you sorry for?” I would answer without a hint of hesitation.
“Not only that, but I betrayed something I must never betray…. I truly repent for that.”
“Something you must never betray…?”
“…….”
“Then, could you please explain what that is?”
“Hope.”
The shoes of Acolyte Camillia in front of me twitched. I bowed my head even deeper and replied.
“The very thing you repeatedly urged me never to lose, Acolyte Camillia… for briefly losing that… I genuinely reflect and repent for it.”
“…Hope, you say.”
Acolyte Camillia’s lips pressed together. How long had the silence lingered after that?
“The reason I made such a choice back then… perhaps I hadn’t yet developed deep thoughts.”
“It’s not that.”
“Though I was the one blathering to Reverend Antenelli about not losing hope… I still made that choice. I feel a deep sense of regret for Camilla and my family, but at the same time, I feel immense gratitude as well.”
Perhaps that was when it started.
When Acolyte Camillia began to overlap with the vision of Helena.
“I realized that even while floundering in despair, there are surely people who love and cherish me.”
That was it.
The reason Acolyte Camillia had never let go of hope until the end, and why she could still contain the spark of hope in her eyes even now.
“So, Reverend Antenelli.”
Even if she were slowly sinking into the swamp of despair, somewhere… there existed someone who would hold her hand and pull her out from the mire.
That was undeniably a driving force. Isn’t it an incredibly splendid piece of firewood to devote to the flame of hope, which must always burn?
“Realizing that hope still remains and that those who put it into practice are like building a house on the rock.”
A house built on rock is not easily toppled even in rain and storm, for the solid rock supports it.
“But those who continually deny that and live in the swamp of despair… it’s like building a house on sand.”
A sandcastle, as the saying goes.
A house built on sand is bound to collapse soon.
“So… Reverend Antenelli, you have to cultivate the house built on the rock.”
Acolyte Camillia’s gentle hand gently covered my hands, which were now neatly gathered on the ground. A warm energy was conveyed.
“Thus, I forgive you.”
“…….”
“I forgive you. Reverend Antenelli, I… truly, sincerely… forgive you.”
“Thank you….”
Her bony, gaunt hand. I took it with my trembling hand. I wasn’t shivering from the cold. I was trembling at the overwhelming change that began to fill me with a new light.
“Thank you. Thank you….”
No matter how much cold water I splashed, I was grateful for the hope’s light that refused to be extinguished.
Thank you for handing me that spark.
“Thank you….”
The wages of sin is death.
The guilt hidden within me had led me to the brink of death as a price of the despair I carried.
For this, I, who had been lost and wandering, found myself on the path called “life.”
No matter the hardships and trials that may come before me, I had gained the strength to live.
“Thank you—.”
The name of that strength was hope.
