“I’m thirsty…”
When I thought I would just close my eyes for a moment, I ended up sleeping until it got dark.
When I opened my eyes, the surroundings were silent and dark, and it felt like I had slept for a few hours.
I was passing through the dark hallway, feeling my way down the stairs with my hands along the wall when I heard.
“…so that’s what you’re saying?”
“Yeah, something like that…”
I could hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen where the lights were off.
I was trying to quietly get some water when I tiptoed to take a look in that direction.
Upon closer inspection, I saw two people facing each other at the dining table, deep in conversation.
Only a small mood lamp was on in the middle.
As I got closer, I realized one was my mother and the other was a middle-aged man I had never seen before, who seemed to be the head of the family.
“Is Ji-eun sleeping over?”
“Yeah, I think so. She didn’t say much, but she seemed tired and fell asleep. It’s for the best. We can all have breakfast together in the morning.”
“Yeah, it’s nice that you’re back after so long.”
To be honest, if they weren’t talking about something too serious, I would have just jumped in to quickly grab some water and head back.
But by now, all my sleepiness had vanished.
Though the conversation was about me, they were discussing it with such seriousness and gravity that I felt it would be awkward to interrupt them.
And by eavesdropping, I could find out what had happened to Ji-eun in the past.
Following that line of thought, I quietly held my breath and listened in from behind.
“…have the two reconciled?”
“No, not yet. I went to talk to her, but she was asleep… If Ji-eun’s time allows, I was thinking we could go to a café together tomorrow.”
It seemed the problem lay between Ji-eun and my mother.
The mention of reconciliation suggested there had been some conflict, but I wondered what it was about.
“There’s really nothing to reconcile. Just a little conversation could clear up the misunderstandings.”
“It’s my fault. I wasn’t expressive enough…”
“Why is that your fault? The situation was just that way.”
Misunderstanding. My curiosity grew stronger.
“No, Ji-eun would feel that way. I should have been more attentive so she wouldn’t feel alienated since she’s not my biological child…”
“The fact that Ji-eun found out about that was an accident. It’s not your fault, so don’t blame yourself.”
Hmm, it was a bigger issue than I expected. What Ji-eun was tangled up in.
If she wasn’t biological, what could that mean? Was she adopted?
It would be a lie to say I didn’t feel any shock at all. However, compared to the real shock Ji-eun must have felt, I was merely surprised.
If anything, I felt a strange sense of kinship with the original Ji-eun.
If she was adopted, did that make her an orphan like me?
“Still, if she’s coming home like this, isn’t that proof Ji-eun’s heart has eased? She wouldn’t come before when called.”
“Yeah… I guess so. We even had a nice chat during dinner.”
“Just talk to her well tomorrow. She probably came because she wanted to see you.”
That sense of kinship quickly morphed into subtle jealousy.
How could she feel unloved by her parents while being adopted into such a good family that she would decide to leave?
How spoiled can this girl be?
At the same time, I found myself understanding Ji-eun’s feelings.
I may have been an orphan since I could remember, but Ji-eun didn’t even know she was adopted.
If she suddenly found out her parents weren’t her biological ones… would she feel betrayed?
Or perhaps she might have felt a quiet alienation.
Unlike Ji-yeon, who is a biological child, she was the stranger in this home.
Listening to their conversation, I realized my mother’s blunt personality must have significantly influenced Ji-eun’s feelings.
But even with this speculation, as someone without any memories of the past, I couldn’t be certain of anything.
I, too, was a true outsider in this family.
Having learned of Ji-eun’s secret, I nodded and turned back.
Interjecting now for a drink doesn’t feel appropriate.
Thirst is manageable. I won’t die immediately from not drinking water. I can either come back later or just go back to sleep.
I’ve gathered all I can; now I need to think about what to say when I talk with my mother tomorrow.
What should I respond if she apologizes? Should I just brush it off and say it’s okay, or should I apologize first?
As I ran through the scenarios, I was climbing the stairs when—
“Ah.”
My gaze was drawn to the lit kitchen, but as I turned back to the dark stairs, I thought I grabbed the railing and slipped slightly, struggling in mid-air.
Despite twisting my body to minimize the noise, a considerable sound emerged.
“What was that sound? Did the kids wake up?”
“Ji-yeon, no… is that Ji-eun?”
Of course, they could hear that sound all the way to the kitchen.
I buried my face, imagining the awkward situation that would follow.
*
-Not exactly infertile… but it will be a bit harder for you to conceive compared to others. So you shouldn’t get your hopes up too high…-
When I first heard that, I thought the world was collapsing.
It was just a little over three years after I had married my husband, a time when the honeymoon was over and I was starting to think about having children.
Despite trying countless times, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting pregnant.
After feeling anxious, I finally visited the hospital, hoping it wasn’t true, only to receive that news.
I wasn’t infertile, but my chances of getting pregnant were low. That was my condition.
As I grew older, the situation was only getting worse. With the passage of time, the odds would continue to decline.
Moreover, both my family and my in-laws, though not directly pressing me, seemed to have longing eyes for grandchildren.
Regardless of all that, the person who most wanted a child was me.
I wanted to have a child that bore the fruit of the love between my husband and me. When I saw children holding their mothers’ hands walking around, my gaze would inevitably follow.
Why was I being subjected to this trial? Was it because my life hadn’t had any major ups and downs until now?
During that difficult time, filled with all kinds of thoughts, I found depression creeping in despite my husband’s reassurances, making me want to do nothing.
As I begrudgingly pressured my husband into intimacy, I started to feel exhausted, and it was around that time I resigned myself to the thought of giving up.
Meeting Ji-eun was a turning point.
-That poor little thing…
-Don’t you have any relatives or anyone who can take her in?
-I’ve heard that both sets of parents have no connections whatsoever—
Her father had died in a car accident. Her mother had been weak all her life and died giving birth.
Ji-eun had been alone since the moment she was born.
Watching her squirm alone in the incubator was so pitiful and adorable.
It was fortunate that during my last visit to the obstetrics and gynecology department, I overheard the nurses talking about how she would soon go to an infant protection facility.
Without hesitation, I decided to adopt the child.
It didn’t take long to persuade my husband. Later, he told me that he had no reason to disagree since just seeing me, who had been so haggard, brighten up, was enough.
Both my family and my in-laws were open-minded people, so they had no objections to me adopting Ji-eun.
In fact, despite the difficult decision, they encouraged me, saying I had made a good choice.
We thought about giving her a new name, but since Ji-eun had already stuck in our mouths, we decided to stick with it.
Somehow, the name Ji-eun seemed to suit her well.
That day, bringing Ji-eun home, I took pride in how truly happy I was.
Raising a baby wasn’t easy. Yet, I felt happy. Staying up all night to soothe the endlessly crying baby was still a joy.
Watching Ji-eun grow by the day, I felt an unusual sense of fulfillment as if a piece of my empty heart was being filled.
The little Ji-eun who crawled on the floor started to walk, holding onto me.
When she called out “Mom” while looking at me, it felt like I had the whole world.
As days passed, feeling proud that adopting Ji-eun was a truly great decision, I envisioned days where I would grow old while holding her hand, watching her grow.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m pregnant. It’s eight weeks along.”
Perhaps due to bringing Ji-eun home, my relationship with my husband became harmonious again.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant.
Everyone in the family, including my husband, was pleased, and I accepted the arrival of Ji-eun’s younger sibling with a dazed mind.
It was a late pregnancy, and as expected, I faced difficulties in childbirth.
Fortunately, I didn’t suffer a miscarriage, but Ji-yeon was born frail.
From a young age, she had frequent illnesses, and raising her was so much harder than raising Ji-eun.
Being the oldest, I didn’t neglect Ji-eun, but I cared for Ji-yeon more carefully simply because she was so weak.
I didn’t realize that it could hurt Ji-eun.
“Mom, I have the art festival today—”
“Is Ji-yeon sick? She has a high fever… We need to go to the hospital. Huh? What did Ji-eun say?”
“…Nothing. I’m going to school.”
Amidst busy parents who couldn’t pay much attention to her, Ji-eun became a child who couldn’t voice her complaints, even if she disliked something.
When I finally realized it, she had grown into a reliable firstborn who handled everything on her own.
I had ignorantly been pleased by that, oblivious to the fact that my child was suffering inside.
It wasn’t just me who failed to pick up on the signs. The bond between us mothers and daughters gradually began to split apart.
