“Just.”
It was a short answer. A simple word of only two syllables.
However, that alone was enough to bleach Elsi’s mind white.
Elsi’s eyes became vacant in an instant. She wanted to say something, her mouth flapping open and closed, but soon fell silent. The threads of the incident that had occurred could not be tied together with words.
She just wanted to ask.
How could he do that, wasn’t he almost dead?
The injury sustained that night was severe. If the position of the claw that pierced I-an’s abdomen had shifted even slightly, he would have lost his life.
Elsi could not understand. Especially I-an’s attitude, dismissing that determination and will with a simple “just.”
There would have been no one to say anything even if he had acted a bit more brazenly. Still, the fact that Elsi had to bow her head several times didn’t change.
The debt of life was that heavy. Yet, I-an’s reaction now was downright indifferent.
Thus, Elsi couldn’t figure out how she should respond even more.
Gripping the brim of her hooded hat, Elsi’s gaze fell down. She appeared to be hesitant.
She had grown up not knowing how to show gratitude or remorse.
A favor was merely a debt to be repaid someday. If there was a mistake, she preferred to trample it down until the other party could not recall it.
The humans who approached Elsi were only of two types.
Those who would try to use her or those who would oppose her.
Receiving such pure goodwill was a first for her. Elsi could merely stand there, unable to hesitate.
I-an watched Elsi for a while. He thought that her fidgeting was quite cute. It was a rather rude thought for someone who admired a senior.
Before long, a bitter smile formed on I-an’s lips. His mouth opened again.
“I just wanted to save you. That’s all.”
It was the same response as before. The tone was incredibly flat. So, Elsi realized it was I-an’s unadorned sincerity.
But the questions still lingered. In fact, I-an’s answer nearly plunged Elsi’s thoughts into a maze.
It was a story she simply could not comprehend.
Since childhood, self-preservation had always come first. Even the violence and cruelty Elsi displayed were merely extensions of that self-protective instinct.
She was someone whose own safety was the most precious thing.
She could not understand the act of saving someone by risking her life. But she also felt too shameful to explain it in detail, so Elsi managed to squeeze out a single question.
“…You could have died?”
“In the end, I survived, didn’t I?”
His voice was incredibly calm. Elsi felt an urge to cry for some reason.
She wanted to convey her true feelings, but she didn’t know how. So, she raised her voice, as she always had.
“You, you… do you even know how dangerous it was then?! My insides were almost spilling out!”
“If we’re being technical, Senior Elsi was in more danger.”
I-an’s remark hit the nail on the head. Elsi’s mouth fell shut for a moment.
That was true. At that time, Elsi was defenseless. If she had been attacked then, she would have likely died.
Being kidnapped by monsters would end in a predictable way.
She would have been used as a sacrifice or prey. Imagining her form being prepared as a delicacy for monkey monsters made Elsi shudder.
But Elsi was not the type to retreat like this.
Though she seemed to have strayed a bit from her goal of wanting to express gratitude, she didn’t care. In fact, she might not have even realized she was deliberately trying to escape from such feelings.
Because it was unfamiliar.
Every emotion felt foreign. Her breath toward a man, her heart, her mind—everything.
She could not understand why it felt so breathless and fluttery. She couldn’t even meet his gaze out of embarrassment.
To hide that awkward feeling, Elsi raised her voice further.
“Well, you still didn’t need to sacrifice yourself!”
“So, you dislike that?”
Once again, it hit right at the core.
Elsi urgently averted her eyes from I-an’s gaze. She questioned herself internally.
Did she dislike it? There was no way.
It was the first time she had received pure goodwill in her life. Excluding her younger brother Lupin, she had trusted no one. She believed that everyone would change their attitude like flipping a palm when their lives were at stake.
All the humans Elsi had seen until now had been like that.
A pain that went over the limit was enough. Then, even those who acted aloof would end up grasping at her ankle and begging.
Please stop, I was wrong.
Elsi was no different. The disdain she felt towards the weak was because she saw herself reflected in their forms.
The image of herself, sobbing and pleading for her life, overlapped like a hallucination. If the roles of perpetrator and victim were reversed, it would have been her in that position, and Elsi couldn’t bear that fact.
She loathed her own weakness so much.
No one had ever validated the maiden. Not even she herself.
So, all Elsi could do was give a short answer.
“…No.”
It felt good. The thought that someone would sacrifice their life to protect her felt like validation of her existence in itself.
It meant that to him, Elsi was someone worth that much.
She thought of herself as a cocky junior. Yet, even as she thought that, her face flushed, and she had to pull down her hat even more, as if to hide her heated face.
“I’m just glad you didn’t get scolded after saving me.”
That was where I-an’s response ended.
There were no further demands or accusations. He simply turned his head, wearing a satisfied smile at Elsi’s answer.
As silence settled in the hospital room, Elsi was engulfed by a strange sensation.
The sound of her pounding heart seemed so loud. What if I-an heard this sound? Elsi felt a sudden fear.
She couldn’t even grasp the roots of that anxiety. Elsi just desperately gathered any words she could.
“…I, I!”
At the utterance, I-an’s golden eyes fixed on her.
Elsi’s thought process became tangled. She had opened her mouth, but she didn’t know what to say. In this confusion, she inadvertently blurted out her true feelings.
A secret she had hidden and had never revealed even to her beloved younger brother.
“I’m not really a person of great value…”
It was a pitiful voice. It was the self-disclosure of a cat who pretended to be a fierce predator.
I-an fell silent. Afraid to read the emotion reflected in his eyes, Elsi lowered her gaze. Her voice now sounded timid.
“Actually, I’m also very scared and weak. So I’ve been bullied a lot since I was young… I’m selfish, only caring about myself.”
“Hmm,” he murmured, letting a silence slip. Elsi’s body flinched. Not knowing how he would react, the maiden quickly added more words.
By now, tears were forming with each word she spoke. It was a sad confession.
“S-so next time, don’t do that… I’m not a very good person…”
And once again, silence settled in.
Neither I-an nor Elsi spoke for a while. Only Elsi’s shoulders trembled slightly.
It was then that I-an opened his mouth.
“…I knew.”
“Wait,” Elsi’s puzzled gaze turned back to I-an. He seemed incredulous, letting out a chuckle.
“I knew Elsi Senior was scared, selfish, rude, and also a bedwetter… I’m not a fool, why would I not know?”
“…I’m not a bedwetter?!”
Elsi shouted out, feeling outraged by the absurd accusation, but I-an was not particularly attentive to her. His words continued.
“I saved you knowing that, so don’t worry about it. I’m not making some great confession or anything.”
As he scratched the back of his head, looking like he felt he had lost out concerning the worry, Elsi was once again left speechless.
A small voice slipped from her hesitant lips.
“…Why?”
She could feel his golden eyes staring at her. Elsi momentarily lowered her sight to the ground.
“Why did you save me, knowing everything…? I’m such a bad girl.”
“Well, I’m not particularly good at expressing myself… I don’t really know how to say it…”
With a thoughtful look, I-an scratched his cheek with a finger. He closed his eyes for a moment as if trying to gather his thoughts but eventually opened them again with a look of surrender.
He simply spoke one line.
“It literally means ‘just,’ there is no reason.”
With that, he wore a bitter smile. His crossed arms revealed solid muscles.
Elsi was dazedly admiring I-an’s appearance when she suddenly came to her senses and turned her gaze away.
She couldn’t fathom why she was acting like this. Yes, she could find no reason.
“You can’t make decisions in life by calculating everything one by one. I just wanted to do it, whether Senior Elsi is a bad woman or a good woman doesn’t matter.”
“…Just?”
“Yes, just… I just wanted to save you. Isn’t that enough?”
I see. Elsi muttered inwardly.
It was just that. There was no such thing as a reason. The emotion that was now dripping into her heart, making her heart beat incessantly, was the same.
It was still just a hazy feeling. Yet, Elsi instinctively felt that this new emotion might someday grow beyond her control.
At that moment, she finally let down the heavy walls of her heart.
Only towards one person.
That man still wore a dazed expression.
