“Keukheuks~!!”
Dionysus grinned with his teeth clenched and lips spread wide, emitting a grotesque laugh.
Hmm.
Though I wanted to grab my stomach and burst into loud mocking laughter, there was this massive mountain named Hades right in front of me, so I couldn’t help but suppress my laughter.
It was quite similar to the feeling of being a child, getting scolded by my mother, and then trying to hold back laughter while reading a funny comic book.
“Lord Dionysus. Isn’t a greeting unnecessary?”
That was me, suggesting to skip the formalities.
It was pointedly mocking Dionysus’s unsightly behavior of keeping his distance from me all day while tailing me like a stalker.
Whether he understood my sarcasm or not, Dionysus just grinned awkwardly and raised high the soda tumbler he had snatched from me.
“Burp! Of course. Ark, the same goes for you, doesn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“What’s the point of drinking soda when you’re about to leave this world anyway? It will only add unnecessary weight to the corpse undertakers have to carry. Keukheuk!”
“…That was a tad excessive way to say goodbye.”
“Uhm~ No, no, it’s just right. Compared to your foolishness of giving Hera the soda pre-order rights, it’s not excessive but actually insufficient.”
“Hmm…? Then who do you think deserves the pre-order rights?”
I countered with just a slight upward curl of my lips.
Even in the midst of my disappearing body, turning into a mist, I didn’t lose my composure.
Or, rather, I made an effort not to show any signs of anxiety to Dionysus.
Facing him with an expression as if I were calmly accepting my death.
“Well, it’s obviously my glory as the god of all wines. Not just wine—beverages of all kinds fall under my dominion.”
“Could you answer me one thing before I leave?”
I extended a finger that had become so faint it was barely recognizable.
Despite deeply sensing that I didn’t have much time left, I couldn’t help but satisfy this curiosity.
“What is it?”
“I believe the Double Labors alliance was carried out with Lady Hera. Why, then, are you trying to steal her glory?”
“Arc, Arc, A~A~ Poor Arc. Why should I care about Hera who persecuted me? The goal’s achieved, that’s all that matters.”
May’s rice wine.
An idiom where enemies join forces due to shared interests when their boats are about to capsize in a strong wind.
But, perhaps, that collaboration, no matter how impressive, eventually goes back to normal once they reach the safe harbor.
Dionysus…
What a truly ON/OFF-switch kind of deity.
“Is that so? Then I’ll leave the rest to those who remain. I only have a few dozen seconds left… Could you honor my passing with that soda?”
“Keukheuekheukeuk! Sure thing… Hey, Lord Hades? Is it okay if I drink it?”
The Dionysus who had forcibly taken the soda from me didn’t ask for permission from me but instead addressed Hades in the utmost honorific.
Hades, who was witnessing this shameless and two-faced side of Dionysus right before his eyes, remained expressionless as ever.
He stared down at me coldly, as if I had nothing to do with him.
“Just evaluate the taste of this drink as requested by Arc.”
Hades tried pulling off the cork seal covering the soda bottle’s mouth with his fingernail using his left hand.
Tak. Tak.
The cork didn’t budge easily, and despite applying more force to the point of almost breaking his nails, he was unable to remove it.
Then Hades extended the soda bottle to me, maintaining his stoic expression despite this embarrassing situation.
“Is it sealed by a divine boundary? The cork won’t come off.”
“…The cork has a spiral design. Grab the cork with your fingers and turn it counterclockwise. It will come off naturally.”
“Hmm… Oh!”
Though somewhat skeptical, Hades reluctantly followed my instructions.
As we watched, the tightly sealed cork began to loosen and slip out.
At the same time, the sound of carbon dioxide gas—like the steam hissing out of a pressure cooker—escaped with a hiss, causing Hades to slightly open his mouth in surprise for the first time.
As Hades nodded repeatedly and raised the soda tumbler to his lips, he briefly glanced down at me.
I tilted my head in a question mark when he did, and Hades said:
“I’ve never seen a spiral cork on such portable cups.”
“Soda must be kept from losing its fizz. Sealing it this way ensures complete containment. You can use it in the Underworld if you want.”
“…Such a waste.”
It was easy to understand what Hades meant by “waste.”
He was referring to me as a sort of Idea Bank.
I gave him an awkward smile in gratitude, and then he took a deep breath and started drinking the soda energetically.
His smooth gulp continued until the container was almost empty.
“Kuek~! …It’s delicious.”
His brief burp accompanied by a taste review was cool and quintessentially Hades.
A new desire sprouted within me: if I ever got the chance, I wanted to develop new food products and invite both Artemis and Hades to sample them and provide contrasting taste reviews.
This, too, was a proper desire born from our current life-or-death struggle.
Bowing deeply, I expressed my gratitude to Hades.
“Thank you. This has helped me let go of some of my attachments to this world.”
“Alright. Ten seconds left.”
The space boundary opened by the golden key grew larger.
Like Amazonian piranhas with mouths wide open, the space expanded aggressively, ready to engulf me.
“Hmm~ Then I shall raise a toast for our Arc’s final moments.”
In front of me, facing death, Dionysus turned and assumed a stance.
Lifting the soda he’d stolen from me, he gave me a cunning smile before beginning to turn the spiral cork forcefully.
Gas began to escape between the cap and the seal.
Chiik! Chi-iik! Chihi-iik!!!!!
“Oooh~ This is the carbonated gas I’ve only heard about… Hmm?”
Just as Dionysus tilted his head in curiosity while finishing the rotation of the cap—
Pong!
The cork couldn’t endure the internal pressure inside the soda bottle anymore and shot out spinning.
“Keu!”
The cork, speeding like a bullet, struck Dionysus right in the center of his forehead.
Caught off-guard by the impact, Dionysus wobbled and let out an agonizing shriek.
“What, what’s going on?!?!”
Kwaerr Kwarrrr!!
Startled, Dionysus tried to assess the situation, but the merciless soda wouldn’t give him time.
From the narrow neck of the soda bottle, soda began to spurt violently, like a volcano erupting.
The first time I saw this phenomenon, I imagined it like a small studio room less than 4 pyeong filled with dozens of men for a day, and when the door finally opened, they charged out like that.
“Keueuk!”
The powerful stream of soda hammered the drunkard Dionysus’s face, trying to wake him up as it plastered his face with liquid.
As the powerful fountain gushed out like a fire truck’s strong stream from the small container,
Dionysus tried blocking the soda jet with one hand while turning the bottle upside down.
And there went his critical mistake.
He should’ve immediately dropped the soda bottle he was holding.
“You’re ensnared, Lord Dionysus.”
“Hm, wha, what, what?”
“You’ll know soon enough. It’s the power of the water rocket.”
As if in response to my words, the soda bottle began reacting from within.
The right hand that was firmly gripping the upside-down soda bottle trembled.
“What, why is the soda moving like this!!!”
Phuuuaaat!!!!!
The soda tumbler responded by delivering its final explosive jet.
I had engraved grooves on the lid and attached liquefied butane gas in a soft capsule inside it.
As soon as the lid opened, the soft capsule sank to the bottom of the tumbler,
And as it melted in the soda liquid, the liquefied butane gas mixed and created consecutive double boosters.
“Isn’t it necessary to counter a double labor with a double booster, Dionysus?”
The tumbler, strengthened by the powerful reaction, turned into a rocket and quickly escaped from his grasp.
The firing tumbler accurately struck Dionysus’s jaw and skidded along the ground, disappearing into the dark alleyway without losing momentum.
Struck in the jaw, Dionysus crashed to the ground.
In the face of the sudden turn of events, his eyes betrayed an inexplicable sense of terror.
“What, what is this…”
Unaware that he was drenched in soda, he attempted to rise but…
Thud.
He fell over.
He tried to get up again, using his hands to push off the ground.
Thud.
Once more, Dionysus hit the ground with his buttocks.
“What, what is this?! Gooorrrlr…”
Dionysus fell forward with sincerity in his voice and passed out.
With just three seconds left until mission failure,
I climbed over the fallen Dionysus and stood proudly before Hades.
Like a butler welcoming a guest, I gathered my arms at my abdomen and bowed low,
And threw what could be my final question.
“One-man audience, Lord Hades. How was it, the soda SHOW?”
“Could it be that all of this was for this final moment…?”
“That’s right. I handled the filming, directing, lighting, and production all on my own. Of course, the main actor was Dionysus.”
Hades realized that everything had been a part of this one play.
With his lips quivering, he began to return the bow slowly.
Even as his body jiggled like an earthquake had hit,
“Grrk!”
“Keukeuk…”
“Keuek keuekeu, kuhahaha! This, this is a masterpiece!”
Unable to contain his laughter, Hades fell to his knees, slapping his hand on the floor while pointing at the unconscious Dionysus—and burst into irrepressible giggles, disregarding his dignity.
“What about the task?!”
With just one second left.
The task tattoo on my left hand, bruising my body, gradually faded, and my dissipating form gradually returned.
“Kuhahahahahaha!”
Hades, unable to stop laughing.
Replaying the moments until Dionysus fainted, he relived the hilarious situation over and over,
His lips, once tightly sealed, now wide open, his shoulders trembling, he let out keuek keuek laughter.
Thus, we discovered that the entirely black teeth of Hades were, in fact, as white as ours.
If I were ever to write a novel about the Olympian gods in the future…
Without a doubt, the subtitle for the first volume would be:
“The Black Hades’s Teeth are White.”
