Time always flows too hastily. Even chasing after it feels overwhelming, and it seems that the hands of the clock are getting faster every day. Even if I try to reach in and stop the clock, time moves ahead, mockingly, as if to say it won’t stop for me.
I have never been ahead of time. I am always just chasing it.
Since becoming this way, it felt like I was experiencing peace for the first time. The weather had already turned cold, ushering in the end of autumn, and it appeared I had no reason to wait for the snow that would not fall this year.
The first snow fell.
It was a bit too early for the first snow. Could it be that the sky, responding to the sudden drop in temperature, decided to gift this to us? It was an unwelcome gift, just like it always had been.
The news was talking about unusual climate patterns with the unexpected first snow, but unfortunately, I had no leisure to care about such issues in my life.
Should I give a little background on previous events? The clothes I received from Hye-won’s shopping mall occupied a spot on my clothes rack, and the underwear I got thanks to her consideration found its place in my closet.
They were nothing but ordinary things like panties, bras, socks, and stockings that anyone would recognize. There were no excessive designs, and the prices were reasonable. I considered returning the stockings, thinking I probably wouldn’t wear them, but since she had gone out of her way to help me, I felt bad about doing that, so I ended up buying everything.
Although we didn’t maintain frequent contact after exchanging phone numbers, I needed minimal communication regarding the underwear. In the process, I also ended up purchasing a few other clothes.
It was shameful for me to buy such things, but I had no choice.
I bought a skirt for the first time. Although I had received a skirt among the clothes, I felt uneasy about wearing it, and since I had to face a monthly visitor, I needed a skirt.
In this process, I also received a lot of help from Hye-won. She even recommended sanitary pads when I mentioned my situation. I had been too embarrassed to bring this up with Muk Ha-neul or Ham Yejin, so I had done some vague internet searches, but it turned out to be more helpful than I expected.
The few skirts I ordered arrived alongside a black scarf. They said it was a service. I found while looking in the shopping mall that it wasn’t a very expensive item, so it felt wrong to refuse it, and I ended up accepting it.
I had a feeling that this attitude would make me a regular customer, and it seemed I would be relying on them more often in the future.
With the issues regarding the clothes resolved, my daily life became quite ordinary. It was truly peaceful, as if I had returned to the past.
I finished reading the manga I’d started in Jae-Ah’s room and revisited some web novels. I stopped playing games as the intense fun I felt at the beginning faded away.
Using the ID Ham Yejin had shared, I watched some movies through an OTT service. Whenever we decided on a film to watch together, we would discuss it a few days later.
Muk Ha-neul still occasionally dropped by to slack off, and Jae-Ah came over under the pretext of tutoring, only to play games before leaving.
I didn’t see much of Hwa-won. They seemed busy.
However, peaceful times eventually have their breaking points, and determining that moment was in my hands.
This had been on my mind a lot lately.
Before me lay my smartphone, showing the phone number that former editor Kim Sung-kyu had given me.
If I just pressed the call button, the connection would be made immediately.
The only reason I was hesitating to use a number I would never have originally used was simple.
It was for a donation to the House of Love, the orphanage. It seemed to still be struggling financially, and because I felt partly responsible for that, or rather, I found myself feeling that way even though it wasn’t truly my fault, I couldn’t just sit idly by regarding the orphanage.
However, I had no direct way to help, so the only method available to me was to donate. I needed the money, but I wasn’t in a position to be generous.
I did have some savings, but I wasn’t the naive rookie I had been at the start of my debut. At the very least, I had learned that I needed to keep some minimal amount of money always set aside.
Because of that, I had to find new ways to earn money, and looking for a new publisher and getting a book published would take quite a long time.
So it was inevitable that I focused my attention on the only way to directly submit this completed manuscript as quickly as possible.
Jikang Culture.
A publishing company where Kim Sung-kyu’s acquaintance worked, and it was also operated by Ji Kang-hyeon’s parents.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to get involved again, but I didn’t want to forsake the only immediate option due to my discomfort.
This might be a pointless endeavor. Perhaps guilt and remorse could all be seen as irrelevant ramblings. Yet, I still wanted to leave something behind.
Without erasing the memories of my childhood, which would no longer be called the House of Love, I wished to leave behind at least a trace of it.
The contemplation that had dragged on for a few days took mere moments to press the call button. I held my breath as I lifted the phone to my ear.
And soon,
“Hello?”
The time had come.
~
I was currently on a train heading to the countryside.
The first snow had already stopped, but the cold that accompanied it remained, making it a chilly day. I had walked outside fully equipped in clothes I had bought last time. I wore a red padded jacket on top, a thick black skirt below, white stockings that reached my calves, a white bucket hat on my head, and a black scarf around my neck.
Inside the train, it was heated, so I could take off the jacket and scarf.
The reason I looked like this was as follows.
Jikang Culture was a somewhat large small to medium-sized company, but in terms of overall scale, it wasn’t a very big company. Considering the fact that it was located in the countryside, it didn’t have the feel of a company that anyone would readily recognize.
Still, given my current situation, it was a quite reasonable choice.
I had once received a small literary award from their magazine, and it was just the right size to not be too large or too small, making it neither a burden nor a worry.
The reason I had tried to refuse was due to a slight awkwardness regarding Kim Sung-kyu and our personal connection, but if I were accepted, it would be hard to find a place better than this at the moment.
I spoke for quite a while with Kim Sung-kyu’s acquaintance who took my call. When I mentioned Kim Sung-kyu’s name, he said that he had already heard about me. He assumed I had rejected the opportunity, but he expressed his gratitude for getting back to me.
Of course, he knew who I was. His voice sounded like that of a middle-aged man who seemed a bit older. He introduced himself as Kang Jin-soo and also mentioned that he was the editor-in-chief.
I had expected a regular editor since he was an acquaintance of Kim Sung-kyu, but I didn’t expect to meet someone of such a high position. Normally, someone in that role wouldn’t even review manuscripts personally.
While I directly requested him to look at my manuscript, I sensed a hint of hesitation in his tone.
Indeed, the scandal with Ji Kang-hyeon, although it had passed more lightly than expected, had not been without its impact. Since it was a publishing company run by Ji Kang-hyeon’s parents, it wouldn’t be easy to accept me without some careful consideration.
Yet, it didn’t completely feel like a rejection either—a rather ambiguous feeling. In the middle of our conversation, he asked for a moment to think and ultimately decided to accept my manuscript.
There were many intertwined matters, but the important thing was, in the end, it was about the book; he suggested that we look at the manuscript first and discuss it afterward.
Three days after I sent the manuscript by email, I received the first contact from them. This time, there was no hesitation in his voice.
“Let’s have a meeting,” he said.
That was why I was on this train, dressed as I was.
Naturally, I didn’t want to wear a skirt, but unfortunately, my period started the very morning we decided to have the meeting. Thankfully, the severe pain I experienced last time didn’t return, but it was difficult to manage the discomfort and melancholic feelings, along with the sticky emotions that are hard to articulate.
I contemplated postponing the date, but since the other party was also busy, delaying would mean I would have to wait quite a while. Ultimately, I sighed and put on the skirt.
However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that wearing a skirt was a significant issue.
It was cold.
The wind blew right through the skirt, making me feel excessively cold. Of course, wearing a skirt naturally exposed my legs. How did women walk around with bare legs in this weather?
After briefly stepping outside, I returned home to look for something to enhance my defense. Then, I found a pair of the stockings that Hye-won had sent me.
“…white.”
There were also pantyhose, but I couldn’t wear that during my period, so the only option left was a regular-length white stocking that reached my calves.
I didn’t particularly dislike white, but it gave off a strong feeling of being childish. In fact, I felt that I had only seen kids in kindergartens wearing white stockings. Naturally, I had never been able to wear them myself. I had merely seen kids wearing neat kindergarten uniforms with white stockings.
Of course, if they had been black, I would have felt uncomfortable for being too feminine. It seemed there was no escape no matter which way I turned.
Well, thinking about it, skirts and stockings were garments that were worn by both genders in the past. I could just consider them slightly traditional attire. In Scotland, don’t men wear skirts? Given that I was already wearing sanitary pads, it was ridiculous to fuss over such things.
After finishing my outfit and looking in the mirror, all I saw was a child that looked like a middle schooler. The large red padded jacket was a significant factor in that appearance.
Considering how quickly children were growing these days, I might not even seem like a middle schooler. At least being tall was a good thing. I felt both a desire to grow taller and a reluctance to grow up at the same time.
Once fully dressed and wrapping the black scarf around my neck, my white hair was no longer so noticeable. Wearing both the black scarf and the white bucket hat made it more acceptable. If you didn’t look closely, you might not even realize my hair was white.
After I had finished dressing up completely and stepped outside, it was definitely much less cold than before. The wind still blew through the skirt, but thanks to the stockings, it was tolerable.
Was I really going to this meeting in this state?
I sighed. I had grown accustomed to the gloom, so it no longer felt significant. I accepted the sigh and started walking.
Thus, I boarded the train. I didn’t feel the gazes around me.
