Ultimately, it was something that was destined to happen one day.
“Really?”
What seemed like something that would never happen did occur, and what I had wanted was nothing more than a handful of ashes, whisked away like dust in the wind.
“No. You could have withstood that wind with your body.”
I couldn’t gather it back. This was something I had expected as well. It was impossible to scoop up the water that had soaked the dirt floor after I had fallen.
“It’s just that you compromised. You compromised with this reality… with the world.”
So, I thought that even with this happening now, it wouldn’t cause me to feel disturbed.
“Do you truly think that my death has accomplished everything for you? Surely not.”
I was mistaken. I had been too complacent.
“You just needed the courage to compromise.”
When I think about it, Teacher Moritz had warned me multiple times. Be careful with the medicine. Do not take it indiscriminately. Try to endure without medication as much as possible…
“The courage to be forgiven, the courage to believe one has been forgiven despite not being forgiven, the courage to shake off guilt…”
After bearing it and bearing it, if it becomes unbearable… that’s when you should take it.
“And then, finally fleeing from guilt, wrapping it nicely under the name of compromise… the courage to brazenly put it forward.”
I could not do that.
I failed to adhere to Teacher Moritz’s strong recommendations, and I had been taking medication several times a day.
“Lucio. Are you dismissing what I’m saying as mere hallucination?”
My body had been slowly gnawed away.
Like sand and dirt particles slowly settling beneath the raging river… within me, countless deposits had settled.
“Strange, isn’t it? I’ve always been right by your side?”
As that river began to dry up, the deeply settled deposits become a barrier, blocking the flow of water.
“I haven’t changed. Since that very moment, I’ve been reaching out to you. The only thing that has changed is you.”
The more I pushed away, the more I tried to firmly repress those things deeply settled within me… the harder they became. What I was pushing down, in turn, crushed me.
“What has changed? Are you truly asking that without knowing?”
When that unspoken layer of emotion hardened to its limit, it began to apply pressure on me.
“You compromised, Lucio Antorelli.”
Only after things had come to this point did a fool realize that there were cracks forming in his body.
“Just admit it already.”
In the end, the memories that had been sleeping at the bottom of emptiness stirred, moving with heavy weight…
Thus, illusions manifest as reality.
“You compromised.”
When I started to struggle under its weight, it was already too late.
*
Two weeks had passed since the summer break activities with the Occult Research Club ended.
During that time, I was preparing for the second semester exams, and I had come to see Teacher Moritz for my regular check-up, just as I usually did.
“Hmm… your shoulder has definitely improved.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. But… sigh…”
After examining my body for a moment, Teacher Moritz sighed and sat down.
“It’s getting a bit risky.”
“…Yes?”
I looked at Teacher Moritz with a confused expression. He let out a deep sigh, removed his glasses, and looked at me seriously.
“Mr. Antorelli. Do you perhaps remember the medication that contained narcotic components that you were prescribed earlier?”
“Ah…”
After I was assigned to the Academy, I had stopped taking the medication I had been prescribed for a year, following Teacher Moritz’s advice. As for the explanation that it contained narcotic components, I remembered there weren’t any severe side effects apart from feeling slightly more melancholic than usual.
“Yes. I remember. Is there a problem with that?”
“It’s good that you’re quick to understand. I will now explain in a bit more detail.”
Teacher Moritz pulled his chair closer. I listened to him with a somewhat tense heart.
“As you know, the medication I prescribed to you until early this year contains a small amount of narcotic components.”
“I understand.”
“Since it is a medication prescribed for severely ill patients, it contains a minimized amount of narcotics to suppress addiction. However, the issue is…”
Teacher Moritz extended his hand. He soon picked up a glass half-filled with water that was placed on his desk.
“Let’s assume this cup represents your body.”
“I’m listening.”
“The water inside represents your imperfect mind. Normally, a clean mind should fill a person, but patients who have lived a rough life like yours tend to have it half-dry as you’ve experienced.”
It was an easy-to-understand explanation. I attentively observed his continuing explanation.
“Therefore, I had to urgently fill something into you. Trying to fill this with regular medicine or counseling would be like trying to drip water into it drop by drop, which you wouldn’t be able to endure.”
Teacher Moritz stood up for a moment and returned with another cup, also half-filled with water.
“If I transfer this water into the existing cup, what do you think will happen?”
“You said that normally it should be full of water, so that should solve the problem.”
“That’s right. However, one could say that filling it with such clean water without a miracle doesn’t exist.”
Teacher Moritz moved his steps. He stopped where a small flower bed was placed by the window of the consultation room.
He then scooped up a handful of dirt and poured it directly into the second cup with water.
The clean water quickly turned into muddy water, as small pebbles and dirt particles swirled and began to taint the clear water.
“This is the medication with narcotic components that Mr. Antorelli was prescribed until early this year.”
“……”
The seriousness of the situation began to sink in. Teacher Moritz, seeing my gradually darkening expression, poured muddy water into what he had referred to as my body.
“This was Mr. Antorelli immediately after you stopped taking the medication earlier this year.”
Returning to his desk, Teacher Moritz placed the cup filled with muddy water before me. I stared at it blankly.
“Is this me now?”
“No. Please wait a moment.”
Just as Teacher Moritz said, I waited silently. The dirt and stone fragments that were swirling around in the water gradually began to settle to the bottom of the cup.
How much time had passed like that? The water, previously too murky to see through, regained some transparency, and instead, the bottom was filled with earth, sand, and stone debris.
Teacher Moritz pointed at it with his finger.
“This is the current state of Mr. Antorelli’s body.”
“……”
I looked at it silently. The slightly murkier color of the water contrasted with the handful of dirt that covered the bottom. I pointed at it and asked.
“What does this signify?”
“It’s the residue of the narcotic components that Mr. Antorelli has taken… in other words, the waste that has remained trapped in your body without being expelled quickly.”
“This…”
Is this really my current state?
Honestly, it was hard to believe. I was getting better, and while I was struggling due to Cesar’s death, I took pride in overcoming it after battling with myself.
But this… this water, all messy and with dirt piled at the bottom… is this my reflection?
“Is this going to be a problem or something?”
“On the contrary, I would like to ask you. Mr. Antorelli.”
Teacher Moritz sighed as he washed his face. For some reason, I felt a bit awkward meeting his tired eyes.
“Recently, have you been experiencing any strange symptoms?”
My body instinctively flinched at his words. Perhaps because there was something I was hiding.
“…What do you mean by strange symptoms?”
“Literally. To start with small changes, suddenly feeling depressed… dreaming of different nightmares than before… being overcome by the impulse to end your own life… or perhaps…”
I became more afraid to hear what he would say next. Still, I could not stop it.
“…or perhaps hearing hallucinations that weren’t there before, or seeing illusions. Those are examples I might give.”
“……”
“Mr. Antorelli. Have such symptoms appeared? Haven’t you noticed something wrong with your body?”
My lips parted and then closed again. Admitting that I had become strange was a frightening thing, but at least in front of Teacher Moritz, it wasn’t so.
However, I hesitated to answer…
“Answer me, Lucio.”
It was the quiet whisper I heard suddenly in my ear that made me hesitate.
“Answer me. Say that you’ve never experienced such symptoms, that you’re fine… respond like that.”
“……”
“Were you surprised? That I spoke to you suddenly?”
I closed my eyes tight. This is a hallucination.
“When talking to someone, you need to open your eyes.”
“You… you aren’t… a person.”
“Even for me, that kind of remark might hurt.”
What had faintly been heard for some time had become clearer, whispering resentment into my ear.
“I’ll forgive you this once, so just answer.”
“……”
“You’ve compromised, haven’t you, in the end.”
I, I…
Compromise… compromise with what? Compromise about what?
“You compromised.”
Compromise over guilt.
“…Guh!”
“Mr. Antorelli! Are you okay?!”
When I opened my eyes, I found my hands trembling uncontrollably. Despite it being mid-summer, I felt chills run through me. Teacher Moritz was holding my arm with a worried expression.
“…It seems like it has already progressed to a certain degree.”
“Teacher, I….”
“I know. I understand. I will do my best.”
At Teacher Moritz’s words, I slowly nodded my head. Perhaps because he had been counseling me for a long time, my trembling gradually subsided.
“I beg you, Teacher.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Antorelli. Caring for the patient is the doctor’s job.”
Teacher Moritz smiled warmly. Coupled with his white, fluffy beard, it felt like the comforting smile of a grandfather.
Once my state began to calm down a bit, Teacher Moritz pulled out a piece of paper, picked up a pen, and began to write something down.
“I will prescribe you medication. It’s effective for quickly expelling the residues of narcotic drugs.”
“…Thank you.”
“The medication is for one month. When you come back for your regular check-up in a month, we will decide whether to prescribe more, based on how much progress has been made.”
“I understand.”
Having completed the prescription quickly, Teacher Moritz handed it to me. His face was filled with worry.
“This is something you might not know, but the residues of narcotic drugs that remain in the body are usually expelled through the mouth.”
“Does that mean… it will be expelled from my mouth?”
“That’s correct. It will be expelled alongside dead blood… there will be a phenomenon similar to vomiting blood. The pain will be minimal.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
Though I found it troublesome, there was nothing I could do about it. I accepted the prescription and stood up.
I stumbled slightly, but there was no problem walking. The earlier hallucination was no longer heard.
“Well then, I’ll be on my way.”
“…Mr. Antorelli.”
As I was about to leave the consultation room, Teacher Moritz called out to me. I turned my head just to look at him.
“Take care of yourself.”
“…You take care of yourself too, Teacher.”
With that, I left the consultation room.
I felt a bit nauseous.
