Chapter 147

I arrived with Sofia Sub-priest at a massive cemetery located on the outskirts of the city.

It took about forty minutes by car to get here from the Caldera Imperial Academy, which is situated in the center of the city. It was a long way for a mere outing.

However, today’s purpose was not just a simple outing. I stood at the entrance of the cemetery, gazing up at the gently arched entrance.

‘Imperial Royal Cemetery.’

Managed directly by the royal family, this place is a national cemetery where the level of management and security is strict. And therefore, being buried here is seen as a glorious thing.

Those entombed here include members of the royal family who died long ago, senators, nameless agents from the intelligence department, firefighters, and… national heroes who dedicated themselves to the Empire.

In other words, those who participated in the Great War and were killed in action are buried here without exception.

“Head Priest?” Sofia Sub-priest trailed off as she read the inscription on the archway. I simply continued to walk in silence.

Not saying anything caused Sofia Sub-priest to also become quiet. She likely guessed the reason for our visit.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at Sofia Sub-priest, who walked stiffly beside me. I kept my gaze fixed straight ahead, walking endlessly like that.

I will admit it. Bringing Sofia Sub-priest here was a momentary, childish mistake.

This morning, I couldn’t make normal judgments, and I acknowledge that before the thought even crossed my mind, it slipped out of my mouth.

However, I could not stop it. I didn’t have the strength to do so.

The blonde that resembled Helena. The eyes that resembled Helena. The smile that resembled Helena…

I couldn’t endure coming here without taking Sofia Sub-priest along. If I came to the cemetery alone, trying not to think about Helena, I would have undoubtedly remembered her and ended up in despair.

But if that was the case, I should have definitely not brought her. The presence of Sofia Sub-priest continuously etched the existence of Helena in my mind.

Yet, bringing Sofia Sub-priest here was… because she resembled Helena too much.

Though I may seek forgiveness in front of Helena, I hoped that the hallucination of my imagination wouldn’t see it.

Rather than a mere hallucination that my pain keeps dragging up, it would have been better…

“……”

Rather, if I were to do this in front of Sofia Sub-priest… then I would…

‘I am so disgusting.’

The disgust had exceeded its limits. I stopped walking.

“…?”

Sofia Sub-priest, who had quietly followed me, also stopped in her tracks. I could feel her questioning gaze on me.

‘I shouldn’t have brought her.’

Even if I had no confidence to come here alone, I shouldn’t have come with Sofia Sub-priest.

Unfortunately, I realized that fact too late.

Perhaps I needed someone to see me, to bear witness as I sought atonement for Helena. I simply wished for someone to acknowledge my appearance, seeking simple sympathy and consolation from it.

What can I say? Like a snake crossing a ditch, I had brought Sofia Sub-priest here so shamelessly and naturally. It was a fatal mistake that not even the most pitiful excuses could cover.

– You compromised, Lucio.

Now I just want to stop the pain. So, I tried to compromise. No matter how shamelessly I deny it, the fact that I tried to compromise doesn’t change.

Since Cesar’s d*ath, I had naturally tried to find a little happiness. However, you consistently prodded at my wounds, making me feel old pain once again.

As a result, the suppressed desires grew larger, and I… feel distressed, thinking I may have done something regrettable once more.

In anger, in drunkenness, impulsively. Three excuses no person should make.

I only hadn’t drunk, but I was terrified that I had made a mistake that I would never do if I were sane. Suddenly, a strong impulse hit me to beg Sofia Sub-priest to go back to the academy right now.

If I did that, the soft-hearted and somewhat perceptive Sofia Sub-priest would likely agree and return to the academy without resistance. But would that resolve the issue?

‘…No.’

It would only worsen the situation, adding more burdens to my heart. I slowly turned my gaze to Sofia Sub-priest.

“Head Priest?”

“……”

The shimmering blonde hair, the faint blush of crimson, and… those eyes.

No matter where I looked, I couldn’t completely see Sofia Sub-priest. It had been that way since the first time I met her, and despite Meijhem’s stern warnings, I still hadn’t changed.

That is what is disgusting.

Not being able to see Sofia Sub-priest as she is, saying I can’t come here alone, claiming I can’t ask for forgiveness in front of the illusion of Helena that my mind had created… just making excuses.

– You’ve compromised.

… constantly turning my eyes away from reality and trying to compromise felt unbearably disgusting.

“Is something wrong…?”

Sofia Sub-priest gently asked. The worry, concern, and slight confusion reflected in her eyes were all transmitted directly to me.

“…That.”

“Yes?”

My lips trembled. If I had been capable of rational judgment and had no intention of closing the distance with others as before, I might have shown a cold attitude, suggesting that I would take care of the fare and that she should return to the academy.

But now, I couldn’t bring myself to say such things. It wasn’t simply because Sofia Sub-priest resembled Helena.

“…It’s nothing.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. It’s nothing. Really…”

“Then let’s keep going.”

Sofia Sub-priest awkwardly smiled. The smile that should naturally arise from sincerity was instead a forced, clumsy attempt to reassure me, a smile so terribly awkward that it resembled Helena’s.

And seeing that smile from Sofia Sub-priest was…

‘…d*mn it.’

It is harsh. Too harsh to endure.

As I walked slowly, a modest hill-like cemetery came into view.

I passed rows of neatly aligned gravestones. Each one was well-kept, and even amid the occasional family members visiting unknown graves, there wasn’t a single piece of trash in sight, showing that it was clearly well maintained.

Cesar suddenly came to my mind, and I found it quite amusing.

As technology advances, people say we have entered the age of reason. But that statement is incorrect.

People have become even more emotional. Otherwise, is it reasonable that the living treat the dead with more respect than the living?

I bit my lip hard. With the sharp pain, a metallic taste spread across my tongue. I continued walking without showing any sign of it.

Though it had been a while since I had come here, I still remembered the way to you. Despite my mind drifting to other thoughts, my steps forward were oddly unwavering.

After ascending the low hill for a while.

“……”

I found myself standing in front of one of the many gravestones. Sofia Sub-priest had slightly halted her steps behind me.

[ The priest, Helena, who was a faithful servant of the Lord. Blessed are those who d*e in the Lord. ]

The three characters engraved on the gravestone. Helena.

I wanted to see that name more closely. So I did.

I knelt on the damp grass. My calves began to get wet.

If only it had been just my calves soaking up the moisture.

“…Ah.”

Slowly extending my hand. The rough yet simultaneously smooth texture of the stone reached my fingertips.

“…I.”

I intended to say words of atonement, but in the end, my lips couldn’t utter them.

“…Ugh!”

When a man holds back tears, it ceases to be crying.

“Ugh!”

No matter how much I pressed my mouth shut or held my breath, what erupted out of me was like an uncontrollable hiccup.

“Ugh…!”

It was not weeping but drowning.

Slowly, I poured water over the dry ground, soaking it as something deep within me sank.

I placed my umbrella down. Kneeling in front of the gravestone, I tried to catch my breath and finally spoke.

“…I wish it hadn’t been.”

I wished it hadn’t been love.

It wasn’t a relationship where I clung to you and you fell away. We had a quite healthy relationship.

You leaned on me, and I leaned on you. We became each other’s umbrellas, enduring the time of loss together.

In truth, the ability to endure like that was not mine. It entirely stemmed from you.

In the ever-changing waves, I felt powerless. I had nothing I could do.

Nevertheless, the reason a white laugh could bloom between you and me was due to the smiles you had given me.

I always felt my heart race at that smile.

“I wish it hadn’t been…”

I wished it hadn’t been love.

I couldn’t say it to you. But now, I think I’ve come to realize that it was love.

Sometimes I often got confused. Whether I loved you or revered you.

“Ugh! I, I am….”

When I recalled your actions, my respect for you grew, and when I thought of your words, my love for you as a person grew. It was a confusing matter. Was I really such an indecisive person?

Trapped in a frame of clashing steel and gunfire, we had to run blindly without knowing each other’s final destinations. Even when I felt breathless and sweat dripped down my forehead, obscuring my vision, we ran reluctantly.

And now, you, who ran beside me, were no longer here.

I had somehow begun to run alone in loneliness.

Like a mandarin duck that lost its mate. While around me, couples of ducks leisurely groomed each other’s feathers, I was drifting alone in the water.

Yet, looking at my reflection in the water, I was utterly captivated by the colorful feathers of the mandarin duck while recalling you and turned my gaze away.

Ironically, I thought of myself as a mature adult.

But it wasn’t true.

The fact that you smiled for me, the fact that you spoke to me, the fact that you smiled for me…

The fact that I had given up even a piece of bread for you, the fact that I worried about your health for you, the fact that I enjoyed your smile…

“Ugh…!”

I truly hope it wasn’t love.