Yoon Sua’s appearance had changed a lot from what I used to know, even though we hadn’t seen each other often and it had been quite a while.
In the past, Yoon Sua was quite a tomboyish girl, but now she looked entirely different. Although there was a slightly casual feel to her hurried appearance, her fashion was quite sophisticated and feminine. It seemed like this was the first time I was seeing her in a skirt.
But when I said she had changed, it wasn’t about those aspects.
It was her face.
“You’ve become quite gaunt since we last met.”
Her cheeks had completely sunk in.
“….”
“Why did you call me? It doesn’t seem like we’re on friendly terms just because we bumped into each other on the street.”
“I have… something to say.”
“Go ahead.”
“It’s difficult to talk about it here.”
“I’m not expecting you to sit with me in some café or anything.”
“It’s important. It’s about Ha-neul.”
… Ah, so that’s how it is.
If she puts it like that, I can’t just walk away. I don’t know what story she brought with her, but for now, I would entertain her.
“Have you eaten?”
“… No.”
“How about we grab a bite together?”
Yoon Sua nodded. The way she was politely accepting was certainly different from how she used to be. How nice it would have been if she had been this polite back then.
I thought going to a snack shop in this situation wouldn’t be right, so I looked for a restaurant nearby. It was a place I wanted to go but had excluded from my choices because it felt a bit awkward to go alone.
“… Dakgalbi.”
“Why? Don’t you like it? Even if you don’t, you’re eating it. I like this.”
Of course, Yoon Sua’s opinion didn’t really matter. She shouldn’t think that I would adjust to her preferences. What reason would I have to do that?
“No, it’s just that I had it continuously in front of the school.”
“That’s true.”
The food hadn’t come out yet. Even though she could have spoken up at any time, Yoon Sua kept hesitating and couldn’t say anything.
“Are you going to stay quiet forever?”
“… Just a moment.”
Hah, Yoon Sua has really changed a lot. In the past, I would have heard her loudly tell me not to rush her. What on earth had happened that made the strong-willed Yoon Sua evolve into this?
“You’ve changed a lot.”
“Is that something you should be saying?”
This aspect of her hadn’t changed. In that moment, her irritation felt like a fragment of the old Yoon Sua.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry.”
“Forget it. Don’t apologize. It’s awkward.”
Until now, I never thought I would hear anything resembling an apology from her.
Eventually, until the food came, Yoon Sua remained silent.
“Ugh, this is annoying.”
I had forgotten that a dakgalbi place doesn’t usually serve pre-cooked food. Holding the tongs with her small hands, Yoon Sua suddenly reached for the tongs that were on her side.
“… I’ll do it.”
“What? No need.”
“No, I’ll do it.”
“… Okay, then.”
For some reason, Yoon Sua insisted she would do it herself. At first, I had refused, but it didn’t matter whether I did it or she did, so I let her take over, yet it felt a bit uncomfortable.
There wasn’t much skill needed to grill and mix dakgalbi, but Yoon Sua managed to do it quite well. Half of it was cabbage and glass noodles, but the dakgalbi itself was still tasty.
“Ah, hot!”
As soon as I put a piece of dakgalbi in my mouth, it was hot enough to nearly burn my tongue. Yoon Sua quickly poured cold water and placed it next to me. Why is she acting like this? I drank the water when she offered it, but she seemed a bit off.
“… You really feel strange.”
“I feel strange too. You’re very unfamiliar to me right now.”
“If you had acted like this in the past, you would have been popular.”
“Sexual harassment… I mean, no, it’s fine.”
Trying to use the term ‘sexual harassment’ on a guy in this situation probably meant nothing, and she knew that best. We started eating properly again, and after finishing about half the food, Yoon Sua finally began to speak.
“I have something to say.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well… I’m actually a lesbian.”
“I know.”
“W-what?!”
I immediately covered her mouth, afraid Yoon Sua would shout louder. The sight of her looking at me in shock somehow made me want to laugh.
“H-how did you know?”
“There are ways.”
Bringing up Jin Seo-hye wouldn’t be advisable.
I truly had no concern over whether she was a lesbian or not. Since Yoon Sua wasn’t the one who committed the crime of the interview, it didn’t matter. As long as she didn’t suddenly confess her love to me here, there was nothing to surprise me.
“… Then you know I like Ha-neul.”
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t have imagined it until I heard it from Jin Seo-hye. But now I knew.
“Is that all you wanted to say?”
“… Then you must also know that I got rejected by Muk Ha-neul.”
“I didn’t know that.”
What? Is she out of her mind? Wait, she confessed? Seriously? To Muk Ha-neul? Knowing full well that Ha-neul liked me?
“I didn’t confess. But I realized it. She knows my feelings, and she has no intention of reciprocating them.”
“That sounds a bit unfair to Ha-neul, considering it’s zero confessions and one time.”
“I don’t think it’s unfair.”
Hearing that made it seem absurd. That Muk Ha-neul was unfair to such a degree. But Yoon Sua laughed at that statement. Amazingly, she wasn’t laughing at me but at Muk Ha-neul. I had no idea that she would change her attitude so plainly just because someone hadn’t confessed.
And it seemed Yoon Sua didn’t really know either. She wasn’t aware of something.
“… I didn’t know. I didn’t know at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, I didn’t know Ha-neul was still close with you, and that her feelings for you hadn’t changed.”
“What does that have to do with you?”
Yoon Sua laughed.
The subject was… right back at herself.
I had said that if she wasn’t going to confess her love, she wouldn’t be able to tease me, but that had shattered instantly. It was certainly a topic that could surprise me, no, horrify me.
“Hah, it does matter. The one who took that photo of me without my consent was me, and the one who did it was Muk Ha-neul, and the one who posted it was also Muk Ha-neul.”
… What the hell is she saying now?
“What did you just say?”
The stiff expression I wore probably didn’t scare her. Honestly, I didn’t give off a scary impression at all. Yet, Yoon Sua was saying something with a smirk, but was actually terrified of something. What was it?
“… It’s true. Ha-neul asked me. She just wanted to mess with you a bit. She said it was revenge for bothering her. So I helped her.”
“Y-you’re talking about me?”
“It was right after you were discharged, in the very early days…”
There was a photo, and although I didn’t really remember it well, it had been leaked online where I could be seen at a bit of an awkward angle. And at that time, I had been with Muk Ha-neul. All the hateful comments and sexual harassment I received back then came flooding back.
“You crazy bitch.”
Who was I directing that insult towards?
“… I didn’t think it would get so serious! I just… I just did it because Ha-neul asked… I, I even refused at first.”
“Did Muk Ha-neul really do it?”
“… It’s true. I swear.”
“Your swear means nothing. What’s the reason you’re saying this? Is it revenge because Muk Ha-neul rejected her?”
“… I never expected it from the start. I gave up from the start. I also… gave up. I just wanted to live normally. Look at how I am!”
The feminine clothes that seemed out of character, the skirt she had never worn before. I had noticed a lot had changed about Yoon Sua from earlier, but I hadn’t realized it was for that reason. Was this docile demeanor the result of her efforts? Or was it an expression of her guilt?
“I just wanted to like boys, dress like a girl, study, and make an effort. But it’s not something you can change just because you want to…”
“I have no interest in your sexual identity.”
Yeah, what mattered wasn’t that kind of thing.
“…”
“I didn’t know how you and Ha-neul were doing since then. At first, you said you’d mess with her and that you could meet her, but I didn’t know you were still close.”
Yoon Sua lowered her head.
“The reasons, or rather, the triggers, are two. One is that I saw an article.”
“What article?”
“There was a rumor that Muk Ha-neul stayed at your house for a few days. It didn’t become a big issue and seemed to have disappeared when I looked again, but if she stayed there for several days… then at the very least, you and Ha-neul aren’t the types of friends I thought you were.”
“What kinds of friends are those?”
“… At the very least, the kind that shouldn’t still be meeting.”
“What’s the other one?”
“‘Ha-neul Mushroom.’”
Yoon Sua suddenly mentioned Muk Ha-neul’s novel.
Thinking back, there definitely were homosexual characters in that story. At that time, I had no idea that Yoon Sua was a lesbian, so I hadn’t noticed. But now…
“… It wrote about me; a homosexual who likes the protagonist but ultimately cannot confess, doing everything for the protagonist and just being a good listener, essentially a dog that listens well.”
Was that character a well-behaved dog? I had never thought of that. I had never heard that evaluation before. Rather, it seemed like a character that highlighted her devotion and self-sacrificing qualities. Naturally, she was indeed popular. There were quite a few who liked her more than the male protagonist.
But…
That sacrifice must have been one Yoon Sua never wished for. How would it feel witnessing a self-sacrifice that one never desired? How could one accept it?
Yoon Sua liked Muk Ha-neul. But because of that, she wouldn’t want to be just the foundation of Muk Ha-neul’s love. Even if it meant being an obstacle, she wouldn’t want to be the accessory that made them shine.
The story of Park Chan-wook came to mind.
Park Chan-wook despises those who sell their own stories. Because one’s own story inevitably contains others’ stories, those who sell their own stories end up selling others’ stories as well, and Park Chan-wook hated those kinds of novels.
Unknowingly, Yoon Sua became Muk Ha-neul’s product and was displayed on a shelf. She became a popular item.
Now everyone in the world knew Yoon Sua’s shortcomings, and the only thing that remained unknown was that it was Yoon Sua.
I didn’t defend that character in any way. Frankly, I didn’t care.
So I just asked.
“So in the end, it’s not about guilt or anything like that; you came to find me because of your petty desire for revenge. How did you find me? Did you dig through social media?”
Yoon Sua hesitated for a moment and nodded.
“Hah, this is ridiculous. Seriously… what the hell is this?”
I had intentionally pushed my thoughts about Muk Ha-neul to the back of my mind. But I couldn’t keep putting it off forever. So just wait a moment.
I would finish this one paragraph first.
“… I’m sorry. I know, I know I was wrong. I, I didn’t want to do it at first. I didn’t want to.”
“You keep making excuses. But in the end, you did it. Didn’t you?”
“….”
“I see real guilt in your eyes. That makes me feel worse. The original you would never wear that expression. What’s the reason for that guilt? Because I’m small and weak? Because I got this damn awful illness and became a noticeably pale girl?”
“Th-that…”
It was real.
“Damn it, just say something. In the end, what’s the reason? You said this to pull me away from Muk Ha-neul, didn’t you? Isn’t that right?”
“N-no, it’s not that.”
“What do you mean it’s not? Damn it.”
Yeah, perhaps it truly wasn’t, but I didn’t care. I was angry for the first time in a while, and I didn’t want to hold back. I wasn’t interested in hiding her circumstances, nor was I going to believe in her innocence.
“I was genuinely feeling good until just now. Now, I feel like I’m going crazy because of you. I wish you hadn’t said a thing at all, that you’d just said you called me once and let it go.”
“I’m sorry….”
“I don’t believe your apology. Why? Do you find this small body attractive? Are you feeling guilty because it’s your preference?”
“N-no, that’s not it!”
Why the hell is she suddenly denying it in such a loud voice? Could it be real? This crazy girl. It gives me goosebumps, really. It’s frustrating. It’s irritating. It’s annoying. Annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying!!!
Aaaahhh!
In a moment, I screamed and stood up from my seat. Everyone in the restaurant was looking at me, but I ignored them. And I said.
“Forget it.”
“What?”
“I’m leaving.”
Right after I screamed, my mind cleared up as if it were all a lie, and I had no thoughts left. I couldn’t continue on. I just wanted to go back.
I walked straight outside. Payment? Who cares, she can figure it out herself.
I began walking in the direction of home. My cleared mind kept rejecting thoughts, and during the walk, I had no thoughts at all. I couldn’t.
I don’t know. I don’t know about this.
Really,
I have no idea.
~
When I arrived home and entered the password to open the door, that moment, I realized someone was next to me.
“Damn, what is this?”
… Yoon Sua was beside me.
