After finishing the meal, I did not specifically seek out Corporal Janssen, the presumed chef. I thought it was not the right time for that.
Moreover, even if I were to approach him…
‘…I wonder if I would get a good reaction.’
It was about the war that led to the death of my twin brother. On top of that, Janssen, who spent time with me on the battlefield, would send letters and money to his younger brother whenever circumstances allowed, inquiring about our parents’ well-being.
I knew how difficult it was to send letters packed tightly with words while sending what little salary he earned as a corporal each month. That level of kindness could only come from a deep love for family.
So, I refrained from bringing it up first. It was the least consideration I could show for Corporal Janssen and myself.
After avoiding Professor Esther, who seemed to have caught on to my calculation, I finally stepped out of the shop, and the darkness had already settled upon the street where the sun had been brightly shining. I had not expected that my leisurely dinner would stretch until sunset.
Instead of complete darkness falling over the street, it was gently illuminated by the street lamps and lights streaming from the windows of the buildings lining the thoroughfare.
In the darkness, the sparkling lights served as guideposts for those walking the streets, feeling to me like stars.
“Hmm… hmm….”
Professor Esther, tightly wrapping the coat I had given her around herself, hummed an indescribable tune as she followed me out of the restaurant. She seemed to be in a good mood after having enjoyed a delicious meal.
“Professor Lucio, how was it?”
“If we’re talking about the food… yes, I enjoyed it. I would want to come back again.”
“Really… Right! I tend to be quite picky with my taste!”
With an exaggerated clearing of her throat and a slight tilt of her arms, she seemed to have returned to her true self, contrasting with her earlier somewhat gloomy demeanor.
Nodding in agreement, I inhaled the chilly autumn night air that had settled along with the darkness.
With the purpose of our outing achieved, I had gone around the shopping district, talked excitedly to my heart’s content, and had ended our dinner on a satisfying note.
“Well then, now….”
All that was left was to return to the Academy dormitory.
As I trailed off, Professor Esther amicably nodded in agreement. Even she seemed to realize that, at this hour, it was time to head back.
“Yes. Then….”
“…Let’s go back. To the dormitory.”
With that, we slowly began to walk.
Perhaps it was because we had filled our empty stomachs with warm and tasty food, but it felt good to walk while that warmth lingered inside me.
The right amount of warmth and satisfaction spread throughout my body, easing the chill of the autumn night that blew against me.
It seemed that Professor Esther felt the same, as she subtly linked her arm in mine and slightly curled up.
“It’s gotten a lot colder at night…. I guess fall, no matter the city, is still fall.”
“Still, I feel a bit better having had warm food.”
“Yes. It really does seem so.”
Despite my brief feelings of complexity as I glanced at the chef, what I received from Professor Esther was a response that felt genuine.
Or perhaps she was being considerate due to my expression. Professor Esther is somewhat perceptive after all.
“Huh…. It’s cold….”
“The weather certainly seems to be getting markedly colder.”
“Indeed…. But still, it feels nice being like this. Hehe… It’s not uncomfortable for you, is it?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
Although I still wondered if it was necessary to link arms, it wasn’t uncomfortable for me to walk, so I didn’t press the matter.
Seeing my reaction, Professor Esther seemed to tighten her grip on my arm even more. Feeling the warmth being transmitted from her, I continued to walk.
‘…This is too much.’
To be honest, this kind of close proximity wasn’t really my style. Yet, strangely enough, I didn’t feel the urge to push Professor Esther away.
Walking down an autumn night street, linked arm-in-arm. This is just…
– He, Helena…!
– Hehe… This way, it feels warmer, right?
Suddenly, memories from the past flooded back. I knew I shouldn’t think this way, yet there was an intangible force that prevented me from stopping my brain from recalling those thoughts.
And I found myself shivering, truly caught off guard by the memories of Helena.
‘…I shouldn’t have strange thoughts.’
I shook my head slowly. Although it wouldn’t change anything, it was an attempt to clear my mind of those distractions.
Now, it was mid-October, with the true autumn weather settling in. It wasn’t strange to want warmth while feeling the peculiar chill of an autumn night.
And for someone like me who feels cold easily, seeking warmth was even more understandable.
The unusual atmosphere with Professor Esther stemmed purely from my own delusions. At least, that’s what I decided to believe.
After all, I still hadn’t forgotten Helena. I wouldn’t be able to refrain from feeling nostalgia for the past with anyone I was with, not just with Sofia Sub-priest.
For example, today I even speculated, “Could that chef be Corporal Janssen’s brother?” and I wasn’t able to keep my thoughts from drifting for a brief moment.
It was not only disrespectful to Professor Esther, but it was also highly detrimental to me—I couldn’t shake the past off as easily.
‘I’m not in a position to be feeling these emotions; it’s too early.’
In the end, that was the conclusion I reached.
When I thought about it, it was absurd. The actual person, Professor Esther, was walking naturally without saying anything, wasn’t she? How could I impose my assumptions on her?
The reality was that there was nothing to begin with.
“Professor Lucio, look over there.”
In that instant, as I turned my gaze toward Professor Esther, she coincidentally spoke to me at the right moment. I subtly turned my head toward the direction her finger was pointing.
“…Did you want to see the night sky?”
“Yes. Isn’t it beautiful? The countless stars floating in the night sky….”
“Yes. It really is beautiful.”
– So, what were you really doing?
– Well, just… admiring the stars in the night sky…
– Stars…?
Why.
– They’re pretty….
– Yes. Indeed….
“……”
Seeing Helena’s reflection in Sofia Sub-priest was, yes. Thinking back now, it seems understandable.
With Sofia Sub-priest’s clear green eyes, along with her slightly tousled blonde hair and her radiantly beautiful smile—it certainly called to mind Helena’s physical features.
But why. Why.
“That star is particularly beautiful, isn’t it?”
Why do I see you in Professor Esther as well?
That’s, that’s…
‘It shouldn’t be possible.’
The reason I thought of Helena while looking at Sofia Sub-priest wasn’t just that she resembled Helena. It wasn’t a simple, one-dimensional reason like that.
It was, really… in search of Helena’s ‘substitute.’
Whether it’s Sofia Sub-priest’s appearance or anything else, those were merely supplementary elements that fueled my imagination, while the core reason was…
‘Because I’m really… struggling to find a substitute…’
…No.
I don’t want to accept it. I cannot allow myself to accept it. That’s not true.
I tried to brainwash myself as much as possible. Of course, that sort of thing wouldn’t be effective.
The moment I realized I couldn’t deny that fact, nor could I accept it straightforwardly, my vision went dark.
A severe bout of dizziness, enough to make my head spin, washed over me, but I managed to stay standing without falling.
“Luc, Professor Lucio! Are you okay?”
“……”
“Professor Lucio?”
“Oh, um….”
Professor Esther’s sparkling eyes were directed at me. Her navy-blue hair fell softly like a curtain of night.
In the darkness, with even the street lamp’s light dimmed, Professor Esther’s presence emerged in my sight.
The glimmer in her eyes in that darkness appeared like a single star.
“…Yes, I’m fine. It seems I misstepped for a moment.”
“Thank goodness. You startled me….”
Sighing in relief, I quickly rose with her support. Professor Esther still hadn’t removed her arm from mine.
I stared at it blankly. Professor Esther was now gazing again at the night sky and walking slowly while partially leaning on me, seemingly unaware of my gaze.
In that situation, I had many actions I could take.
‘No.’
Ultimately, I didn’t take any action at all. I buried the disgusting, disturbing feeling I felt moments ago deep down, doing nothing.
– Isn’t Your Grace deceiving yourself right now?
‘…How foolish.’
As all kinds of thoughts swirled in my head, I inhaled the refreshing air deeply. Alright, I felt a little better.
So, I became indifferent. That was enough.
“Could that star be Polaris?”
Professor Esther spoke to me again. I had to awaken from my trance.
“No. The one shining a bit higher up… that star is Polaris.”
“Oh, I see…. Do you have some knowledge of astronomy?”
“I only know its name. I don’t have anything I could truly call knowledge.”
“Still…. Ah! What about that star?”
“That one…”
We walked down the autumn night street, each enjoying the slight weight of our linked arms as if leaning on one another.
To return to the Academy, to the staff dormitory.
…To return.
