The foolish and oblivious kid seemed to think that I was genuinely happy without any thoughts. Did he really think I wouldn’t notice his stiff expression?
I felt like I was about to sigh, but I held it in because I was in front of Seol-guk.
I could clearly see what he was worried about. At this point, even if I succeeded, I couldn’t cancel the engagement. He seemed to think that I was going to the United States. However, this engagement was fundamentally for a political marriage.
If I didn’t want it, I could postpone it as much as possible. The opposite was also true. In the meantime, I could find a way to prevent myself from going to the U.S. Even if we were to get married, I could find a way to stay in Korea. Then I would have enough time to take care of this kid.
Taking care of a sick friend wouldn’t draw any complaints from that side. If they wanted to criticize me for hanging out with girls, let them.
In any case, since I accepted help, out of courtesy, I hadn’t been seeing any other girls lately. Han Su-young occasionally annoyed me with her messages, but no matter how much she pressed, she couldn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want.
The worries you have right now are just foolish and unnecessary.
I knew that our relationship was far from healthy. We had already crossed the line of just being friends. But it wasn’t a romantic love between the opposite sexes at all. Seol-guk was dependent on me. I couldn’t reject that.
I felt like I was falling into an ant hell by myself.
Now I saw Seol-guk, who was naturally wearing a skirt. The excuses he was making, saying that it was comfortable to wear and that it was better than he thought, were quite artistic to behold. Had he ultimately accepted his situation? After dyeing his hair and putting him in a school uniform, no one would notice if I left him at middle school.
He must have always been careful with contraception, so it felt like there was suddenly a child.
Seeing a child grow up is a joyful thing, but at the same time, it feels lonely, right? My current feelings were similar. Although I didn’t feel paternal love toward Seol-guk at all, the thought of this kid hanging around with some guy in the future somehow made me feel bad.
It wasn’t jealousy.
How could I feel feminine charm towards this little brat?
I couldn’t possibly like a fool who whines during his period and pretends it’s not happening once it’s over.
I couldn’t like a kid who would turn into a bottomless pit of emotional turmoil if left alone.
What felt bad was simply the fact that I couldn’t trust anyone, no matter who it was.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t trust the other person, but I just couldn’t trust this kid’s choices. That’s why I felt worried and bad. It seemed that only strange people gathered around this kid.
Except for me.
By the way, Ji Kang-hyeon suddenly came to the house and made up? There were no contradictions in the story, and the timing wasn’t strange, but it felt somehow wrong. The girl named Im Mi-ra seemed like a mere coincidence, but Ji Kang-hyeon was different.
However, I didn’t particularly know anyone in the entertainment industry, so there was no way to look into it.
No, was there a way? But it was a method I absolutely didn’t want to choose. Regardless of my preferences, it was a method that shouldn’t be done. It was a matter of courtesy I owed to Seol-guk.
Should I tell Father…? But I didn’t want to add more shackles now.
The time I scolded Kang Seon-hwa hadn’t become a big issue. Though I cherished Kang Seon-hwa as if I’d love her more than anyone in the world, it didn’t mean that she could kick me out as I was raising her coldly as a successor.
In the end, I apologized by saying I was sorry, but thinking back, Kang Seon-hwa hadn’t done anything since then, so it must have had an effect. It would have been great if it had happened sooner. Though my step-mother’s expression, which had originally been favorable toward me, had turned sour, it was none of my business.
I thought Professor Seo could possibly do it, but having bowed once, I didn’t want to do it again. Then Professor Seo would probably want to take photos or something. I couldn’t tolerate such a thing at all.
So should I just dismiss the Ji Kang-hyeon matter as a feeling? Honestly, it felt a bit odd but didn’t feel dangerous. And I was pretty good at following my instincts.
Yeah, let’s just let it go. It’s just unnecessary worry. There’s no way to find out, and clinging to it won’t create a way.
On my way back from Seol-guk’s house, just as I thought that, my smartphone rang. It was a call from an unknown number, but it didn’t seem like spam, so I answered.
[Hello.]
[…Hello.]
[I’m hanging up.]
Ham Yejin, this crazy girl. How did she find out my phone number? It was foolish of me to even think about asking her for help. This was not appropriate for Seol-guk. Really.
[Wait, it’s regarding Seol-guk.]
I had no choice but to listen.
[…Let’s wrap this up in a minute.]
[Did you know that Muk Ha-neul’s novel was adapted into a drama and Ji Kang-hyeon auditioned for it?]
[Is that true?]
[Yes.]
Muk Ha-neul, that b…
[And I also heard that Ji Kang-hyeon met with Muk Ha-neul personally and exchanged some words. I don’t know what they discussed.]
[Are you still watching over Seol-guk and Muk Ha-neul?]
[…No. It’s just that since that house is mine, I can see things like CCTV. I just found Ji Kang-hyeon there and did some investigation.]
[That sounds nice. But you’re basically saying you were spying on them.]
[I’m sorry.]
Really, how stupid can you be?
[I’ll meet Muk Ha-neul separately. And let me give you a piece of advice. It’s time to give up and focus on yourself. Stop dwelling on strange delusions.]
Ham Yejin fell silent for a moment.
Though I spoke harshly, it was genuinely heartfelt advice. This woman was foolish. If you keep running from your wounds, in the end, you won’t be able to contend with anything. I really hoped she could just live her own life now.
After a while, Ham Yejin finally spoke.
[I hope so.]
And then the call ended.
That was my last conversation with Ham Yejin. After that day, she didn’t contact me again. I couldn’t know if she was finally living her own life or if she was still buried in the past, but I believed she was doing well, more or less.
After all, it was none of my business.
Returning to the present, now something had come up.
I had to meet Muk Ha-neul. She’s a busy girl and would probably refuse to talk to me, but I needed to give it a try. If that didn’t work, I’d have to ask Ji Kang-hyeon.
For now, I actually had Muk Ha-neul’s number. I still had the one exchanged during university lectures, so unless she changed it, calling wasn’t difficult. The problem was that she wouldn’t talk to me, as I had predicted.
But surprisingly,
[Yes, then let’s meet at the café on the first floor.]
Muk Ha-neul readily accepted my suggestion.
What could be her intention?
~
“My plan was perfect.”
“You crazy girl.”
What kind of nonsense is this right after arriving?
“I know my plan was flawed. I know it was a wrong approach. I did it knowing that. Because I wanted it.”
“Are you really out of your mind?”
“My plan was flawed, but it was perfect.”
…Enough. There’s no point in discussing this further.
“So, what did you talk about with Ji Kang-hyeon?”
Muk Ha-neul was half ignoring my words and babbling nonsense. I didn’t come here to waste my time listening to such rubbish. Fortunately, this question seemed to hit the right frequency, and Muk Ha-neul answered properly.
“We didn’t talk about much. I just asked if he could meet with me again and be friends.”
“…Are you Ham Yejin? Do you want him to think of you as his mother?”
“But it’s true. The request I made was just that much. There was just one small thing more.”
“What’s that?”
“I just asked how he’s doing these days and if he was looking good. I said it could just be once. I was relieved to hear he seemed to be doing well.”
To think she could do this after ruining everything.
“You annoying girl.”
“…I just wanted you to not be in pain anymore, since I was the one who messed up.”
“There’s nothing to be gained from pretending now.”
“Perhaps.”
Muk Ha-neul seemed to have left half her soul somewhere. I knew pretty much everything about what had happened at the amusement park. It was karmic, but it must have been a huge shock. I hadn’t known that Seol-guk could be so cruel. Personally, I thought it was for the best.
“There was something I didn’t know about.”
“What does it matter? You can’t reverse the result by reminiscing about the past.”
“I just want to know what I missed.”
What an annoying girl.
“When I was busy writing last year and had cut off contact, what happened before you were hospitalized with a fever?”
She had sharp instincts.
“Do you think I’m going to tell you about it?”
“Please.”
…Muk Ha-neul lowered her head. It must have been a difficult position for her to bend. But even that wasn’t enough to sway my heart.
“How can I trust you?”
“All I can say is, ‘Please trust me.’ I have nothing left now.”
“It’s your karma.”
After all, it’s your fault.
“If you hadn’t become a girl, I probably wouldn’t have had to go this far. I thought it would be easier this way, but it wasn’t. That’s why I became more desperate.”
“Why were you in such a hurry?”
“Because of Hwa-won, because of you.”
In that instant, I was left speechless. I couldn’t fathom what this girl was trying to convey.
“You’ve thought about suicide before. And at that time, Hwa-won wasn’t there. I knew you would come soon anyway. I didn’t pay it any mind.”
…I didn’t know that.
“If you hadn’t existed, I would have been okay. But since you exist, I had no choice but to hurry.”
“What a foolish thing to say. Neither I nor Seol-guk see each other through the lens of love. We are just friends after all.”
“How does it feel to say things you don’t even believe in?”
What a despicable girl.
“…Since you shared something I don’t know, can I ask you one time? This is an absolute secret.”
Muk Ha-neul clasped her hands solemnly.
“I swear.”
“Lee Cheon tried to assault Seol-guk.”
Muk Ha-neul’s face turned pale. It must have been a more shocking story than she had imagined. Just hearing it was disgusting, and from the standpoint of another woman, it must have been horrific as well. It was almost a given that that man had kidnapped and raped his own daughter.
“…So that was why I failed.”
“You were going to fail regardless.”
“You realized the pain and fear too quickly.”
I, I, I, as Muk Ha-neul kept analyzing and blaming herself for the reason, it was a pitiful sight to behold. Even though the other party was Muk Ha-neul.
All that needed to be said was said. Now that I knew Ji Kang-hyeon was safe, that was enough. I didn’t want to keep looking at that girl’s face. I didn’t even want to see her in her half-broken state like that.
I stood up from my seat. Muk Ha-neul didn’t seem to care about my departure; she continued to suffer, continued to hurt.
But perhaps, that pain was also proof of life.
~
My smartphone rang again. This time it was a known number. A very familiar, unforgettable number. A number I might never see again for the rest of my life.
[Oh, why.]
[Are you free tomorrow?]
[Why?]
[Can you come with me to meet Hye-won? She wants to buy new clothes. She wants to try them on herself.]
[Tomorrow seems tough, how about the day after?]
[Sure, then let’s meet the day after.]
The call ended there. It was the first time I heard Seol-guk suggest shopping.
Anyway, you’re also trying to live your life earnestly.
The snow was melting slowly.
And among it, a flower was peeking out,
That flower had not wilted yet.
