The winter night sky is truly devoid of clouds.
It is indeed extreme. During heavy snowfall, the dark clouds obscure any starlight, yet the clear sky after the snow is piercingly high and looks so fragile it seems ready to shatter.
The moon, bright and full, proudly displays its large, round form, as if this is its season. As I quietly gaze at the surrounding starlight…
It resembles a puddle filled with crystal-clear water. Perhaps this shining cluster of stars is merely a handful of light spilled from a large puddle in the sky of this world.
“That’s very poetic.”
“Really?”
Helena smiled softly as she closed the Bible she had been reading. I couldn’t help but crack a smile in return.
“Yes. A puddle that captures the sky, such a romantic and poetic expression.”
“Ahem…”
“I didn’t know Father Lucio was such a romantic man.”
“Haha… What’s that about?”
Helena’s expression was mischievous. She particularly enjoyed teasing me.
I’ve never seen her play tricks on anyone else. When she interacted with anyone other than me, she always flashed a kind smile, but I could tell she kept a slight distance.
The way she showed me such a natural smile, the way she played tricks on me and we laughed together, was something I could not hide my delight in. I laughed like a middle schooler who had just fallen in love with their first crush.
My heartbeat felt connected to hers. It was an illusion, but it only made it all the more necessary to feel that way. I wished to share my pulse with her, for I could not express it in words.
Like the moon that creates the ebb and flow of tides, just as it pushes the waves towards the beach, I wished this feeling to be conveyed not through words but through the heartbeat we shared.
Words have power. However, the communication of thoughts and feelings resonating with ‘understanding’ — even without words — is far more meaningful and powerful. I foolishly hoped for that.
“Really.”
“……”
“There’s romance.”
The gaze of Helena, as she said this, perfectly reflected the night sky, and soon filled with the image of me standing beneath it. I wished only to be reflected in that clear green puddle, amidst the countless white hells of dying, amidst a world frozen and stuck.
It flowed like water. Just as the snow melts into water and flows away somewhere, the feelings that had flowed into my heart overflowed, unable to reach Helena, and dripped away.
I thought.
Before these feelings all run out, I must quickly convey this to Helena. Before my heart’s vessel runs completely dry, I must hastily share the clear water from the puddle that captured the moon of that clear night sky.
“It’s cold…”
From Helena’s lips came a puff of white breath that erupted like a dragon’s flame. The cloud dispersed into the air, melting away into the coldness.
A dragon’s flame. Seeing those pure white snowballs, which carried the innocence of ‘firsts,’ made me feel like I was returning to my own innocent days.
At the same time, I felt anxious. The Helena who had entered me like the incoming tide seemed as if she would slip away from my heart like the outgoing tide. Never had I resented that round moon as much as right now.
Was it a childish thought? To think of Helena while gazing at the moon. I felt a suppressed chuckle trying to escape my lips.
“Yeah.”
I tightened my thick coat, grasping Helena’s hand tightly, which sat next to me. Though our gloved hands couldn’t convey the softness of our skin, the warmth inside those leather gloves was surely communicated. We were connected.
The walls of the trench were cold, yet every time the cool air filled my lungs, it felt like a breath of fresh air. I despised the cold intensely, but at least I didn’t dislike the cold, refreshing air of this winter night.
“It’s really cold.”
“I think I’ll have a good dream tonight.”
“I’m sure it will be a very good dream.”
It would be nice if she could dream of me. I couldn’t bring myself to voice that thought; it swallowed me whole, like something hot. That left me feeling regretful.
“Do you know?”
“…What?”
“I’m not good at expressing myself.”
Helena’s hand was soon filled with soft white snow. I gazed at it closely.
“Not good at expressing yourself?”
“Yes. To be precise, I can’t convey my true feelings properly… No matter who it is, I can’t clearly show my complete heart.”
“People, huh.”
“Yes. I changed after meeting Father Lucio.”
As she said this and looked at me, Helena resembled snow.
Her flawlessly clear skin was as white as snow, untouched like the fresh snow that just fell from the sky, maintaining its purity. That purity was her essence.
“You resemble it.”
“What? How?”
“…Nothing. Forget it.”
Helena resembles snow. White as a blank sheet, pure, exuding innocence, yet simultaneously cold and painfully near. Perhaps she and I were indeed snow covering each other’s worlds.
Helena enveloped my world, just as snow blankets the entire earth, and I wished to approach Helena in the same way.
The former was the truth for me, while the latter was merely a hope.
Helena distinctly resembled snow. It would undoubtedly melt and disappear over time and flow away to some unknown place that I couldn’t fathom. I sensed that.
If I sensed it, I should’ve emptied my puddle to contain Helena, ensuring she wouldn’t flow away, even when she eventually melted.
“Hey, Father Lucio.”
Helena called me again. It felt like this instant conversation we shared might be our last, so I hurriedly looked at her. There seemed to be an urgency in her voice.
“I—”
Ah… No.
“Don’t.”
No. No. No.
Keep talking. Keep speaking. Let me hear your voice continuously. Speak to me in a voice I could listen to for a lifetime, and don’t stop.
“———.”
The tide that flowed in from beyond the past would, as always, retreat.
The wet trace left in the sand by the wave was always thick and left a mark that wouldn’t easily dry up.
Truly, how cruel.
……
……
……
238 days until losing Helena.
1,827 days until stepping onto the train.
*
The cold winter night air was still refreshing. I drew that cold air deep into my lungs, then slowly exhaled.
At that moment, a dull lighter was subtly offered to me. The owner of the hand was Professor Madison, who had come out of the pub with me.
As I stared blankly at the lighter, Professor Madison shook it again and said,
“Do you smoke?”
“Oh, yes.”
So that was his way of suggesting a smoke. I didn’t know Professor Madison smoked.
I pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my pocket. Inside, about five cigarettes rolled about in the empty spaces, all jumbled and not even neatly aligned.
Right now, my head felt similarly chaotic. The tipsy sensation from the drinks danced in my mind, raising my body temperature, which the cold winter night air was coaxing back down.
I placed a cigarette in my mouth and took the lighter from Professor Madison, who then lit it for me.
– Pof—!
With a crisp sound from the Dupont lighter, the lid flipped open, and a steady, warm flame of a deep crimson hue emerged from it. It seemed quite an expensive lighter.
“Thank you.”
I bowed my head in gratitude, inhaling deeply from the lit cigarette. The spot that the clear, cold air had filled was soon filled with the scent of mint from the smoke.
It was tranquil, yet not at all quiet. The inside of the pub, and the alley where we stood, was still bustling with people and generating a noisy clamor.
Where I gazed, however, was not so.
The remote and distant North Star brightened the night sky. Far away, in the northern lands, the pure and clear light, as if shaped by the coldness itself, hung quietly in the night sky, quietly doing its duty.
Long ago, sailors and travelers must have looked to that star to find their directions, and countless others surely used that North Star in place of a compass.
Even while gazing at that space filled with a poignant yet mysterious silence, no conversation passed between me and Professor Madison.
Professor Madison leaned slightly against the wall; he looked rather troubled from the effects of alcohol, and I, feeling a bit tipsy, did not want to spoil the particular taste of the cigarette by awkwardly starting a conversation.
“…Professor Antorelli.”
Eventually, it was Professor Madison who broke the silence. As he was effectively my superior, I felt somewhat uneasy that it was he who disrupted this calm atmosphere.
“You like mint, don’t you?”
“What?”
“The cigarette.”
“Oh.”
Inhaling the smoke, the brightening tip of the cigarette illuminated Professor Madison’s fingers, which pointed to the cigarette in my hand. I nodded and took another drag.
“Yes. I do.”
“…I don’t like it.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. I experienced too much of it. Just smelling it makes my nose react…”
The light in Professor Madison’s eyes sparkled with a sadness as he spoke. His voice sounded like he was reminiscing about long-ago times.
“Back in the day, I used to smoke a lot. Of the military rations, it was one of the better options.”
“…But the flavors were only three, right?”
“That’s right. Mint, a hint of vanilla… and…”
“A nutty-flavored smoke. With a slight hint of pencil flavor…”
“Exactly, yes.”
I let the smoke billow from my mouth. The cigarette, heading straight towards the distant North Star, looked like the waves a long-ago sailor must have created while navigating by that star.
Breaking white beautifully, reflecting the night sky… within it, fragments of waves that scattered like crystals.
I had thought the night sky resembled a puddle. It was truly that.
“Professor Antorelli.”
“Yes. Top Professor.”
“It seems I’ll be taking a leave of absence next year.”
I was about to ask, ‘What’s the reason for that?’ but I kept my mouth shut upon seeing Professor Madison’s languid gaze.
“I have someone I… no, someone I love. I thought this person would never come into my insignificant life again… but…”
“……”
“Yet, here they are again. Isn’t it strange? I thought I could never feel love again, yet they turned my life upside down…”
I never would have guessed, not even in my wildest dreams.
Professor Madison exhaled a puff of smoke. The surroundings became eerily quiet, as if a curtain had been drawn. Only the unnecessary waves of the night sky scattered around.
“She was really… a beautiful person.”
“……”
“She was a nursing officer. That person…”
Professor Madison flicked away the burnt cigarette butt and, rubbing it against the wall to extinguish it, tossed it into the trash.
“…Let’s head in now.”
“…I’ll just smoke one more.”
Professor Madison looked at me silently. I, too, stared at him without a word.
“…Don’t run away.”
“I’m not running away.”
“Haha… Yes. Well, that makes sense.”
Professor Madison returned to the pub. I turned my gaze away.
I merely gazed blankly at the North Star.
Like those sailors from long ago. Like travelers who explored this land in ancient times.
If I am a sailor looking at that North Star. If I am a traveler trying to determine direction by observing it.
Then, where is my life headed?
Two days before boarding the train.
