It felt as if a heavy weight had settled deep within me, like I had swallowed a boulder.
I had to sit in the room with a constant sense of discomfort. At times, I would pace around the room, then sit back at the desk, staring blankly at the white scenery visible beyond the window….
‘…Why isn’t there any response?’
It had already been five days since I arrived in the Holy Empire. Tomorrow, I have to return to the city, which means that today will effectively be my last day in the Holy Empire.
Yet, Acolyte Camilla hadn’t contacted me even once. I had clearly left her a message asking for time to think, but she had remained completely silent.
“Hmm…. Is it Acolyte Camilla…?”
Sofia Sub-priest entered my room and trailed off with a groan. She had been spending more time trying to be with me lately. Of course, I wasn’t pretending not to know the reason.
“I just want to ask, but could it be that Acolyte Camilla has also fallen under the Head Priest’s…?”
“I don’t know what you want to say, but it’s not what Sofia Sub-priest is thinking. First of all, what is this ‘clutch’ you’re talking about?”
“Usually, the perpetrator doesn’t know the feelings of the victim.”
“Am I the perpetrator?”
“Yes. Unlike me, the Head Priest may have several others… Oh dear….”
“…….”
I had nothing to say. I didn’t even understand what Sofia Sub-priest was getting at. I chose to keep my mouth shut and delve deeper into my thoughts.
“Ah! Don’t ignore me!”
“Anyway, all I want is just that.”
Even though she rushed in with a light atmosphere, she quickly changed her expression and began to ponder after hearing my words. I waited for her response in silence.
“First, you said that Acolyte Camilla goes to the church every day, right?”
“Yes.”
“…I think you might have the wrong address…”
Sofia Sub-priest awkwardly laughed, sweating a little. What does it mean to have the wrong address?
“Sofia Sub-priest, what does that mean?”
“Well…. If your last conversation with Acolyte Camilla ended like that, I think she might be staying at the hospital where that person is hospitalized.”
“…….”
“Well, even if you head to the hospital without any plan, there’s no guarantee you’ll run into her…. Thinking it over again, it might be wiser to wait at the church where you last met.”
With those words, the conversation with Sofia Sub-priest ended awkwardly.
It wasn’t just that I was lost in thought; before I could even say anything, Sofia Sub-priest stood up first.
“Anyway, I’ll be going now. Come to think of it, I’ve been in the Head Priest’s room for too long.”
“…Is that a problem?”
“Um… Isn’t it? In various ways….”
“But, Sofia Sub-priest and I already—.”
“Whoa! Whoa—! No—! I yield! I yield!”
As Sofia Sub-priest panicked and tried to cover my mouth, I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.
“It’s a joke.”
Sofia Sub-priest, hearing my mischievous joke, was clearly shocked and took a deep breath.
“Ugh… Head Priest, you’ve become quite mischievous since that day….”
“I’m surprised too.”
“Ugh… And! About that day’s answer…. Please give me a little more time…”
Her flushed face was very pleasing to see. I ruffled Sofia Sub-priest’s blonde hair roughly and nodded.
“Understood. I will wait.”
“Ah, anyway! I’ll be leaving the Holy Empire tomorrow, so make sure to wrap things up with Acolyte Camilla today!”
“Don’t worry.”
“Ugh… You can’t even talk!”
With a loud bang, the door closed behind Sofia Sub-priest, leaving sunlight dancing in the air along with Cesar.
“This is completely theft.”
Is Cesar appearing again? After having a conversation with Acolyte Camilla in the park that day, I hadn’t seen him at all, yet here he was, appearing before my eyes once more.
Looking at Cesar, a conglomerate of my guilt and sin, it made my stomach churn slightly as if he had just popped out from the deepest, darkest part of my heart.
“Get a grip, Lucio. You’re almost thirty, and Sofia Sub-priest is about to turn twenty-two. Actually, since your birthday is still quite a ways off… would you consider yourself twenty-nine instead?”
“…Is that also part of my guilt?”
“Yeah. After Acolyte Camilla, it’s the second greatest guilt.”
It was only natural that I would be concerned, knowingly or unknowingly, about Sofia Sub-priest. It had always been that way, but especially after that day, it had grown even stronger.
As if sensing my awkward demeanor, Cesar shivered and brushed off his arms vigorously. Although it made no sound.
“Have you thought enough about Acolyte Camilla?”
“What do you mean by thought…?”
“I’m talking about when Acolyte Camilla allows you to apologize. What you will do then. You’ve had plenty of time to think about it, haven’t you?”
As Cesar said, I had ample time to ponder. The burdensome, forced time created by Acolyte Camilla’s absence had become effectively meaningless.
“…Then, shouldn’t I go and talk?”
“You’re really bold, you know. Looking closely, you seem no different from those perpetrators. The very duality of those who killed me.”
The ones who killed Cesar. Not Carmondorf, not the Adelhaid Duke, nor the imperial family, but some larger force.
It was the very society of the ruthless empire that had relentlessly pushed Cesar over the cliff with cold gazes. Society killed Cesar.
All the elements that made up society, like people, corporations, and nobility, had contributed to Cesar’s death. Of course, I might be included among them.
“Am I being brazen?”
“That attitude of yours.”
Cesar glared at me. It was the same glare he had given me in the park. Bloodshot eyes.
“Your attitude, as if you’ve done all you can, and now only waiting for the answers from Camilla and Camillia. That arrogant, complacent attitude.”
“That’s being realistic, not brazen.”
“Sometimes, if you become too immersed in reality, you become brazen.”
“Is that also your opinion?”
“Why not? I’m part of you. I’m you, and you are me. The thoughts that arise in your mind and my existence were born from the same place… so to speak, you could call us twins.”
“……”
“To be precise, I’m not completely as shameless as those people…. Still, I worry a little.”
The manifestation of the guilt born from my mind, the illusion of Cesar Li shook his head. It was a sight that seemed somewhat comical. A fictitious existence created by my imagination imitating a person as if it were alive.
“The existence born from your guilt, and you who entirely embrace me. It’s not a matter for us to argue about, but rather a problem for Acolyte Camilla to decide.”
“That’s correct.”
“Then, wouldn’t thinking these thoughts be meaningless?”
“…….”
“Well, when you think about it, there’s nothing strange about it.”
Hoping for forgiveness from Camilla and Camillia, anticipating that the other party would clear away this guilt, was something I had already experienced once before, hadn’t I?
“Like with Helena’s incident.”
“…….”
“So don’t worry too much. Everything will turn out fine.”
“How can you be so sure about that?”
“Well, as I mentioned just a moment ago….”
Cesar tapped his head lightly with his finger. The side of his head that was split, completely torn apart, and bleeding.
“Because it’s something that has already happened before?”
“…That’s completely a different matter from Helena.”
“Why do you keep comparing the guilt you had for Helena with mine as if they were on the same level? To be honest, what’s the real difference?”
Cesar pressed on. I couldn’t muster any retorts.
“Your duality in this matter—still—shameless to the point of being a concern—.”
Cesar, whose jaw was smashed and barely hanging by a thread, struggled to articulate his words. His tongue seemed half severed, making it difficult to pronounce properly.
“Then—prove—.”
“……”
“Prove it—to—Camilla and Camillia—.”
In front of the two guilt feelings you have for Helena and Camillia, despite having different values, remember that the subject judging right from wrong is never you— prove that.
“Now, I’ll—.”
I slowly rose from my seat. After putting on the thick coat that was hanging on the coat rack over my priest’s robe, I left the room.
Cesar didn’t follow me.
He merely faded into the air as always, disappearing in an instant.
*
The park in front of the church was cold, just like when we last met, with few people around, snow covered the ground, and occasionally, a cold wind blew.
In the chill, I cleared away the thin barrier of snow piled up on the bench and sat down on it.
If a person has wronged, they should start with waiting if they display an attitude of apology.
This morning, I had tried to wait, especially to match the time most priests came to the church, but Acolyte Camilla hadn’t shown her face.
Gradually, a feeling of unease began to creep in. Could it be that one of the anxious words Cesar had voiced was coming true?
I knew that Camilla still hadn’t forgiven me. However, I hoped that at least a little of her anger had subsided.
And if that was the case, that was enough for me.
The lonely winter wind tickled my nose. It was a refreshing sensation, as if the air in my lungs was being cleared.
From afar, a soft sound echoed. Could it be Camilla’s footsteps?
Light yet heavy, complicated yet unable to easily reveal her feelings or share her troubles… that familiar footstep.
– Creak. Creak.
Alongside that, an unusual sound that seemed almost alien began to tickle my ears.
“It’s over.”
Setting aside Cesar’s mumble that I heard from somewhere, I couldn’t help but turn my head toward the source of the sound.
“Hello. Reverend Antenelli.”
“…….”
What soon came into view was Acolyte Camilla, looking at me from her wheelchair, her smile bright unlike anything I had seen before, yet seemingly lacking strength.
“Acolyte… Camillia…?”
Acolyte Camillia.
She was approaching me, facing the wind.
The winter wind still blows strong.
