“I’m tired of living.”
That was something I had uttered countless times.
However, this time it wasn’t just a habit I unconsciously blurted out.
It was a sincere statement I struggled to voice with a throat that was already worn out.
I had been pretending to be dramatic to protect my mental state, but today I truly felt, for real, that I wanted to die.
“Hwaaa…”
By the time my sweat started to dry.
A sudden chill made my body shudder.
It might not even be because of the cold.
All my wounds had healed, but the sensations remained.
I had not expected this at all.
No matter how many beasts roamed among the nobles, this was a banquet hall full of people. I thought I would never encounter such a situation.
No. Even if I rationalized it, nothing would change.
I had let my guard down.
In this world where security was in shambles, the places to be cautious of weren’t just the dark alleys.
The private chambers of a randy duke were just as, if not more, dangerous, and I should have realized that much sooner.
I crawled into a tiger’s den and was not even able to keep my wits about me.
I was far too complacent.
At first, I thought I could solve it with words.
So instead of shouting, I chose negotiation.
And I regretted that choice up until this very moment.
The opinion of a mere commoner was not even a consideration for a duke.
Thus, I was left speechless the moment he decided to close my mouth.
Once my wrist was grasped and my mouth shut, all the memories I had desperately tried to forget resurfaced easily.
Those memories brought forth an instant sense of helplessness, which quickly morphed into fear that consumed my entire being.
When I regained my senses, I was not resisting at all.
No. I had lost the will to resist.
Despite my movements being restricted and my mouth gagged, I had completely lost the will to fight back.
That horrific time was not long at all.
Was it always like that, or was it that I felt insecure in such an open space?
If not, perhaps I had been trapped in trauma and lost the will to resist, and I was just sick of violating a woman who resembled a broken doll.
As the strength in the grip on my waist loosened, I slumped down and collapsed.
The duke looked at me for a moment before swiftly leaving as if to escape without a word.
He moved with an agility that reminded me of someone.
“That bastard the hero introduced is definitely not normal…”
I regained a bit of strength in my body.
I straightened my shoulder straps and exhaled deeply.
Finally, the unknown fear that had gripped me was gone.
But the trembling in my body remained.
The feeling of wanting to die hadn’t improved at all.
‘I need to get out of here.’
I had to leave this place quickly.
That thought consumed my mind.
A sense of crisis washed over me, warning that if I stayed, I might go through the same ordeal again.
But if I left, where would I go?
Who would I go to?
As I reached this question, my legs once again lost their strength as I hurriedly tried to organize myself to stand.
The innkeeper? I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to meet any man.
Irina? I didn’t want that either. I only wanted to show her my strong side.
Sasha was even more off the table. I couldn’t face that symbol of childhood in this filthy state.
Then, what about the hero, Leopard? Absolutely not.
He was the main culprit behind this situation.
Knowing he was aware of my gender and my homosexuality, I felt a slight kinship.
But the betrayal was quite significant.
I doubted whether it was even a relationship that could be called betrayal to begin with.
‘I don’t want to meet anyone.’
No one could empathize with me or utter words of comfort.
Even if they could, it would quickly reveal itself as false.
In this world, I was alone.
Naturally, since I was cut off from friends and family.
I could do nothing according to my own will, and as someone who couldn’t even choose to die, I was utterly alone without any understanding.
Today, that fact hit harder than ever.
“I really want to die.”
Suddenly, I became curious.
Am I really a body that can’t die?
The only thing I had heard about my inability to die came from the creepy priest.
I wasn’t sure whether it was simply a fast recovery ability or if it was truly an immortal curse.
The way to verify it was simple.
I could just tie a rock around my ankle and drop into the sea.
If the priest’s words were lies, I would peacefully embrace death, but if they were true, I’d live a suffocating life, filling my lungs with water forever.
I knew it was a gamble.
But isn’t life just like that anyway?
Sometimes, you have to be bold with your investments to gain happiness in your later years, or even a happy death.
So right now, I thought…
“Mom!”
“……”
With a flash of lightning, light poured in through the window in an instant.
Seeing the small figure standing at the end of the hallway, I froze.
No, she was not that small anymore.
She only seemed small in my eyes.
Tia’s eyes, captured by my overly sharp vision in that fleeting moment, were filled with tears.
Why did she come here?
More than that, how did she know to come?
“How did you…?”
“I followed the smell of mom!”
“What a great nose…”
“Mom! Don’t say that you want to die!”
Tia, who had rushed over from such a long distance in an instant, hugged me tightly.
Feeling the strength that wrapped around my waist, I finally felt relieved.
Tia hadn’t seen a thing that had just happened.
I was certain of that.
“Why? Why? Why do you want to die? I’m here, so why…!”
“Ah…”
Now that I thought about it, there was one person.
A perfect understanding who would accept each other as we were, no matter what happened.
That role could only be played by my twin, my daughter.
But of course, I had no intention of burdening Tia with such a heavy load.
At seven years old, she couldn’t possibly understand what had happened to me today with the mind of a three-month-old.
She was just someone I could hold and cry with without concerns.
For me, Tia was the only one with whom that was possible.
And also, a precious existence that allowed me not to do something silly like tie a rock around my ankle.
“I’m sorry for saying such things. I won’t say it again.”
“No, it’s okay! I’m sorry, mom! I didn’t know you were suffering…”
At first glance, she seemed to be crying with sorrow, but upon closer listening, it was a bit different.
As her mother, I could tell.
Tia was crying sincerely for me.
Not because she was afraid of being scolded or abandoned, but out of genuine concern for me.
Tia had grown quite a lot since then.
The child who only knew how to throw tantrums and assert herself now understood how to comfort her mother.
I felt tears welling up with pride.
Like when she was a baby, I accepted Tia as she burrowed deeper into my arms.
And just like back then, I supported her buttocks to lift her up.
It was hard, but it was worth it.
As I stroked her tail, which had grown tall and was now hard to conceal even with a half-human hat, I gently touched the horns that were beginning to grow back.
Even things that usually disgusted me seemed sturdy today.
“If you’re having a hard time, just tell me, mom!”
“Okay? Thank you. I’ll do that.”
“And it’s okay to tell me all your hard things! I’ll listen to everything!”
“Hwaah… I love you, my daughter.”
“Mommy! I’m breaking!”
Overcome with emotion, I hugged Tia tightly until I felt like my ribs would crack.
Out of love.
And to mumble my conflicting thoughts.
“I love you…”
Of course, I couldn’t say it.
You are the very cause of my suffering.
You are nothing more than my insurance.
I was only raising you as a weapon for my eternal slumber.
I had every intention of making you pay with your life as a price for your upbringing, and I couldn’t say such things.
“Thank you. You gave me strength.”
“Really? You don’t want to die anymore, mom?”
“Yes, of course.”
I decided to muster up a bit more strength.
I had a guaranteed ticket to the afterlife.
As long as I took good care of this child, I could close my eyes peacefully whenever I wanted.
It was not yet time to give up.
*
“It’s such a terrible feeling…”
In Dragania’s villa.
The duke pulled his hat down low, covering his face.
Remembering what happened yesterday, he truly felt like he wanted to hide in a mouse hole.
“I acted like a mad dog… Hah…”
It was the first time I had done something like that.
No, it was actually the second time, but again, I had been overwhelmed by the same impulse as the first time and had repeated the same mistake.
I thought my patience was strong enough, yet I couldn’t resist the intense urge at all.
It was an unpleasant feeling, as if I were becoming someone else.
Of course, I knew that a simple feeling didn’t grant me a get-out-of-jail-free card.
“I guess she won’t be coming to work.”
The duke briefly lifted his hat to peek at the firmly closed main gate.
She didn’t seem like a person with a strong enough spirit to confidently return after experiencing something so severe.
Nor did she seem like that shameless woman who wanted to use her secret relationship with the duke as a stepping stone to success.
A delicate flower vulnerable to harm.
Because of an unrestrained desire, I had destroyed that flower which Leopard cared so much for.
In many ways, I felt an immense sense of guilt.
“My lord.”
“…?”
Hearing a knock behind him, the duke turned around silently.
It was the butler’s voice.
This late hour shouldn’t have been when a butler would disturb him. What could have possibly happened?
“I’ve brought the maid. As you instructed, the pre-training was brief, covering only titles and etiquette.”
“What…?”
A maid, huh.
Had they randomly selected someone from the servants instead of the woman who couldn’t come to work?
Why would they take on such unnecessary tasks?
After working without drama for a considerable time, perhaps now was the time to cut her loose.
The duke said in an irritated tone.
“Just open the door!”
“Yes. I will let the maid in.”
“Greetings, my lord. It’s good to see you again.”
“……!”
When the door opened and a well-dressed woman appeared, the duke couldn’t hide his astonishment and froze.
It was the same woman who had collapsed before him, a disheveled wreck, just the night before; now she stared back at him with piercing eyes.
Those eyes were unwavering.
