“Absolutely not!”
It was a night shrouded in deep darkness. There, on a gentle slope, I was raising my voice to some woman.
It was less of a refusal and more of a scream.
Under no circumstances must this happen—my desperate tone left no room for negotiation, yet the woman offered no response.
She only gazed at me with a desolate yet tender look in her eyes.
The faint smile that rested on her lips seemed unbearably beautiful.
And so I found myself shouting even more earnestly, choking out my words with greater intensity.
“No, no, no… you’re staying here?! Look at the horizon! It’s a bombardment of unimaginable scale… If you stay alone, you’ll certainly die!”
“And if I don’t?”
In a voice filled with compassion, the woman returned my question with a sorrowful smile.
“Then how many will die? And what will become of humanity’s future without them?”
“Somehow… somehow, it’ll work out…”
Long ago, I had abandoned any semblance of rationality. Logically, her words might have been correct.
If we retreated from here, it wouldn’t just mean losing tens of thousands of troops. The entire eastern front would crumble, and humanity would be left with no time to prepare for resistance before being overwhelmed by the Dark Cult’s massive army sweeping in from the east.
That would be the end.
And yet, despite this blatant conclusion, I was throwing a tantrum like a child.
“Please, stop this. You know perfectly well… You’re the most important person to me. How am I supposed to live without you…?”
“I care for you more than anyone.”
Her confession came forth without hesitation.
I was instantly rendered speechless, my face turning pale as I stared at her.
The moonlight poured down.
In the darkness, the pristine light seemed to exist solely for the woman in front of me. It reminded me of that time when we drank wine and kissed—it was like this then too.
So why, now…
Frustration coursed through my voice, causing it to tremble. I wanted to say something, anything, but a flood of emotions welled up in my chest, squeezing tightly.
A soft touch brushed against my cheek.
It was a gesture full of affection and comfort.
Before long, the woman’s pale pink eyes had drawn close to mine.
“Therefore, I can’t let you become a fugitive or a coward… I know, I-an. I know that someday you’ll regret this choice.”
“…Why, why?”
The broken fragments of my questions echoed over and over.
My emotions had long overwhelmed my brain. Composing a coherent question required far too much effort.
Finally, a torrent of despair and pain burst forth.
“Why does it have to be you?”
“Perhaps.”
“Is this fate? Is this the will of the so-called Heavenly Deity, merely this?”
“…I-an.”
“Just once! Could you let me have just this once!”
The shout burst out with such intensity it left my ears ringing.
Lost in my overwhelming distress, I slammed my chest repeatedly. I silently wished that the blows would leave bruises, that my ribs might break—then at least my heart wouldn’t ache so much.
My eyes burned with unshed tears. The restrained emotions began to flow from my heart in a stream of hot warmth.
Was there still any tears left in me?
Through this, I learned another truth from her—a bittersweet one, leaving a mixture of gratitude and resentment. Out of my throat emerged a hoarse cry.
“Just once, couldn’t you have allowed this? After losing everything… everyone that I loved! And now, even you?”
“I-an….”
“Why does it have to be me!!”
The tears streaming down soaked my cheeks.
Why did my sobs continue to escape me?
At an age too old to cry openly, I collapsed to my knees, unable to withstand the torrent of emotions.
“Why does it have to be me?! Anyone other than me would do! Why does it always have to be the people I love… Why do I have to lose everyone I treasure?”
A man, at the very brink of despair, was sobbing.
I once thought I had grown numb to emotions. But as always, fate came to cruelly shatter my arrogance.
In the cruelest way imaginable.
Who could possibly understand the depths of my pain?
The woman smiled, as though she might break at any moment. Lowering her upper body slightly, her voice drenched in moisture whispered.
“I’m sorry, I-an, for also bringing you pain…”
“…If there’s a god, a god…”
Through a sobbing gasp, I voiced the question I had long carried inside.
A heavy mist settled in the air.
“Why doesn’t the god save us? Why do you place such a cruel fate upon me…?”
No answer came.
Instead, the woman silently embraced me.
Warmth, sweetness, softness—all this was perhaps farewell.
Is this truly the end?
Unable to bear this fact, I continued to cry and beg for an answer.
“Please, please, answer me….”
“Perhaps.”
It was a phrase I had heard many times.
The gods remain silent. And those who serve them cannot confidently declare the reasons or meanings of anything. This was something I had long understood.
But today, I have never hated those words more.
How can you expect me to worship, to revere a god who has placed me in such a fiery ordeal without even offering an answer?
Losing all reason, I let loose every ounce of my resentment.
“How, how can I not curse the gods?! I despise it… claiming to love us but only granting such miserable destinies…”
But my words were soon stifled.
With a loud thud, my head was buried deeply in the woman’s embrace.
Even breathing became difficult. It was only logical that my words would not continue.
Perhaps I could have pulled away if I wanted…
But I didn’t want to. My tensed body rapidly lost all its strength.
The woman tightened her arms around me with a sorrowful expression.
“Why do these things happen to us? Betrayed by the very family we trusted, left scarred, waiting to die while paying for our sins… and then, why did I meet you, fall in love this way… feeling that I could do anything for you… only to have to make this painful decision?”
“I am, I…”
Choking my words back amidst my sobbing, I silently wept in her arms.
The hem of the Lady Virgin Saint’s gown grew wet with my tears.
And a tender, loving whisper washed over my ears.
“I-an, you are my salvation, my blessing.”
I too wanted to say the same, but my vocal cords refused to obey, drowned in my crying.
The tender whispers continued, tapping softly against my heart as if a clear and gentle voice sang to me.
“I learned love when I met you. I found happiness again, regained the courage to trust someone… and that’s why I’m truly thankful, I-an. For meeting you.”
“My, I…”
“What about you?”
With a faint smile, the woman quietly gazed at me.
“Do you regret meeting me? Do you still resent divine will because of me?”
How could I lie in front of those pale pink eyes?
In the end, I could no longer protest. I could only sob quietly.
“You… you were also a miracle and a blessing to me… But how, how can this happen…?”
But wounds do not heal so quickly. For a long time, I had harbored resentment towards the gods.
Much bitterness remained.
In a fractured voice, I hurled my resentment towards the woman.
“It’s far, too cruel… we just started to find happiness again, and it’s all being taken away like this…!”
The moist voice continued with its questioning.
An old story I once heard involuntarily mixed with my plea.
“Am I still supposed to ‘obey’? Is this… is this actually the will of the Divine?”
The woman silently looked at me for a while.
Then, she lightly chuckled. Gently pushing me away, she folded her arms behind her back with a tender glance.
Her pale pink eyes turned towards the sky.
The moon was radiant.
As it always was during the nights we spent together.
“I-an, remember what I once told you? No matter how painful or difficult the circumstances, you must ‘obey.'”
It was a distant memory.
From long before the woman and I became close, there was a night when she said something incredibly cold-hearted.
To a noble who had lost their family and lands, she suggested ‘obedience.’
Perhaps she had deliberately sought to provoke hostility then. That was likely the case. However, the reprimand wasn’t entirely devoid of truth.
A white finger tapped my forehead.
“Is your fate pitiful and miserable? Are the tragedies and trials that befell you so cruel that you feel like giving up? Do you seek to flee, closing your eyes and ears to everything?”
Feigning a solemn tone, the Virgin Saint’s finger slowly moved downward.
Gently touching the area just below my chest, where the sternum lay.
“In that case, I shall reveal to the one I love, you, the special will of the divine.”
Each movement of her hand.
Connecting the traces of her fingers formed a vertical line.
Then a sweet whisper followed.
“And I shall only reveal it to you.”
