Episode 0-b. Those Who Fall.
My blood was red.
However.
To be honest, my blood had a slightly murky hue.
It couldn’t simply be red, mixed with ash, and flowed down in a dark, murky color.
Even if I tear flesh and expose my insides, the turgid blood that continues to flow does not change its hue.
If you were to ask how I know this, I would answer that I could tell from the droplets of blood that flowed like tears every night.
There is certainly ash mixed in with my blood.
The ash-colored mana also gently blossomed within the flowing blood.
Thus, I could never possess an ordinary bright red or scarlet hue.
Even though my skin is white and pale, the arteries visible beneath that skin do not appear blue and show a somewhat darker color.
This was yet another thing that made me acutely aware of my ash-colored nature.
Perhaps it was for that reason.
I struggled to hide the scenery in which I must bleed from others in any way possible.
As if it were a rule, I would only unleash the emotions I had stored up at night and scream.
It was because I didn’t want to show even a trace of ash to those who cared for me.
I wished for them to see me just as an ordinary woman.
Time just flows on.
On a sunny day, the birds chirp happily.
The peaceful landscape of the Empire hasn’t changed much over time and still remains calm.
If there was anything that changed, it was only the fact that Ain was not here.
Thus, what changed in this big city was solely that, so some may feel there was no change at all.
It really was only one person who disappeared, and most will live their daily lives without feeling sad about the separation.
However.
I thought everything had changed.
It feels empty.
It feels hollow.
I didn’t know it would be so fleeting and sad to be left alone in a world without him.
The emotions that had swelled and swelled over the three years became so large, perhaps even larger than a house.
Even with magic suppressing them and the love of people restraining them, they inevitably began to seep out.
Before I knew it, even though the sun was high in the sky, I had to hide my distorted expression.
I had to clasp my trembling hands together and settle them down calmly.
I am.
“…”
The most important person I look at has vanished, and now I think the scenery isn’t beautiful.
I had thought many times, dozens, hundreds of times, that it was a bright and beautiful landscape when I was young.
The protagonist who used to pull my hand in that scenery has already moved on to the next one, and now only dullness fills my surroundings.
The small world that was the alley turned into a grocery store.
The mundane world of the grocery store has again become a market street.
But Ain’s world expanded more rapidly and hurriedly than I could run, and before long, I could no longer find his figure in the scenery I imagined.
Emotions have become sticky and slimy.
Now they slowly began to rot away my world.
So.
The world is losing its colors.
Red disappears, blue disappears.
Even green and purple have faded away.
What seeps out of the brush I picked up to paint the world is now only dull colors.
Like the ash-colored hair that I must hide my whole life, or the ash-colored eyes.
As time passes, even those things that were once vividly colored have become dull and replaced by dark, grimy ones.
I laid down my brush.
It’s a memory.
However, it is becoming an ugly memory.
It was a smile.
However, that smile has become filled with sorrow.
It was warmth.
However, that warmth is no longer by my side.
I was foolish.
I believed that after he left, I could hold on with just memories, smiles, and the warmth he left behind.
The gifts and letters from him had piled up in the box in my little room, but that was not enough.
Neither the gifts nor the letters.
In the end, they only magnified my sorrow and longing.
They became torching flames that ignited the dampness throughout my emotions.
It is cruel.
The bracelet.
The bracelet remains tightly bound, firmly suppressing my desires.
It whispers to me not to interfere with him anymore and to remain still.
That little object I thought was hope has, before I knew it, become a shackle I voluntarily walked into.
Some may mock me for being foolish.
But can they still say that after seeing the emotions I tried to contain, suppressing them with all my might?
Damp and desolate, sinking and gloomy, empty and retreating.
Do they know my emotions—those abhorrent and dark ones—are slowly breaking apart?
The only emotion that remains solitary, holding off those slimy feelings, is a single one.
An emotion that is unfathomable, even three years ago when Ain hadn’t yet departed, and now as I have become alone.
When I think of Ain, my heart races, my hands and feet tremble, and that feeling makes my insides gurgle.
That one feeling causes my face to flush, makes my eyes tremble, and tears at my heart.
It is that one feeling that seems to burn away the clingy emotions and flicker away into the distance.
It was the only thing that kept me human.
Before long, night arrives.
In fact, the nights of my childhood were always a time of refuge for me.
There were no stones thrown by children, nor the glaring looks filled with disdain from adults.
I thought that the massive, pitch-black blanket covered me, blocking out the light above.
Even if my body shivered with cold, I liked gazing blankly at the sky.
Surely nights would gently approach and softly envelop me.
But.
Now, I fear the night.
Now that it has become night, I continue to bleed.
The scenery of the dark night.
The small room of the grocery store with the lights out.
In a way, that is cruelty within calmness.
The petals blooming red around me are what I always want to hide.
Sadly, on those nights when I find myself alone, I would scream.
The emotions I had desperately hidden beneath the tent of happiness would break free when I felt the solitude.
No matter how many days I try to endure, it only grows into something larger and more overwhelming.
I would always search for Ain and scream, biting into my arms and thighs to bleed.
My body trembles, the ash swirling around causes the surroundings to shake.
The emotions I’ve restrained all day come rushing out like madness when night falls and I am alone.
The emotions locked away over the three years become slimy filth piled in the drain, reeking foully.
“Ah… Ain.”
The disgust I felt from the smile I had forced to remain, trying to be a good girl, keeps coming up, causing me to retch.
“Ah, ugh… ugh…”
The scenery of the small room has already filled with ash.
The magic that helped me control my emotions has cracked and broken everywhere, whispering that I have reached my limit.
My nails dig into my arms, my teeth gnaw at my lips.
Soon, the skin on my arms has been completely torn away, exposing the flesh beneath, but I cannot stop it.
What pierces my thighs has become not just nails but blades; even as blood spouts like a fountain, I have to endure that pain.
I tore.
I do not know what it is.
I am just trying with all my strength to stop my emotions from flowing out.
I crushed it.
I have no time to know what that was either.
However, I felt relief in the fact that crushing it meant my emotions had been slightly lessened.
Ash swirls roughly.
They dig into my skin, scratching away at various places.
Now it no longer limited itself to my arms and thighs.
As Ildrin said long ago.
I have now reached my limit, and I must torment and chew at my whole body to make that feeling balk.
Thus.
The process repeats and repeats.
With splashes of flesh falling with a thud, and blood splattering against the window.
The blood flowing out may resemble tears, and the way it continuously trickles down is both sorrowful and heartbreaking.
I tightly closed my eyes to avoid seeing those things, wishing for this time to pass.
The night is long and stretches infinitely; after realizing I have become alone, it feels even longer.
After the room becomes drenched in blood, my hands begin to tremble, and my vision blurs.
Only then could I find relief in realizing that the emotions I had bottled up had somewhat loosened.
Now, the scars cannot be erased.
Little by little, they spread, and soon, such traces are growing in places covered by my clothes.
I had to bleed until only a handful of mana remained, so I had no strength to erase the scars.
And.
I lay there absentmindedly until I poked the snow globe that had been delivered to the grocery store that afternoon.
Covered in blood, that round orb was dyed red.
But within that round glass jar.
Snowflakes, white and reflecting the moonlight, swirl around.
So.
I stared at it blankly and smiled.
Having just screamed and bled, I found it strangely delightful to smile.
However.
As I spent time distracted by the snow globe, the mana that had been seeping out had eventually run dry.
Realizing this, I tried to get up, but all that welcomed me was pain and the blood surging up again.
“Ah… no, don’t…”
I could not stop my growing drowsiness and my body weakly collapsing.
The devastation I had wrought.
The small room filled with ash and spilled blood, the distant pieces of flesh, I could not erase those traces and lost consciousness.
I wished for them to see me just as an ordinary woman.
I didn’t want to show even a trace of ash to those who cared for me.
No matter how much they wanted to help and care for me, my essence was ultimately ash-colored.
I did not want to reveal a scenery that reminded me of that fact again.
And.
When morning came, bursting through the door was.
“A… Asha…!!”
It was the uncle, rushing in and calling my name frantically.
It’s blurry.
Perhaps due to the excessive blood loss, my vision is clouded, and I cannot see his face properly.
“Asha, Asha…! Are you alright!? What happened…!”
Even though he was clearly calling my name, that voice kept wavering.
I should be answering that I am alright, but my throat, which had been screaming all night, was unable to utter the words.
So, I shed tears in silence.
Instead.
I hoped all of this was a dream; just a nightmare.
