Episode 0-b. The One Who Collapses.
Once again, I regained consciousness around noon.
My vision was still blurry, and my head was dizzy, so I couldn’t say I was in a state to claim I had opened my eyes.
Even amidst the fog, I could tell that the surroundings were bright, indicating that it was daytime with the sun high in the sky.
Moreover, despite having passed a considerable amount of time, I could still sense the stench of blood entering my nose, causing a disgusted feeling.
There was still pain in my arms and legs, forcing me to unconsciously scrunch my face.
Since I had never let wounds remain unhealed by magic for too long, I had to fully accept all of this.
And then, a voice reached me.
“Asha, are you okay…?”
“…, Ah.”
It was a voice I had hoped was a dream before losing consciousness, now poking right at my ear.
“The wounds are severe, so I’ve done what I could for emergency treatment…, but it will still hurt a lot.”
“…. ”
It was undoubtedly a voice filled with concern for me, but I couldn’t see the expression, leaving me anxious.
Could the words be hiding a distorted expression?
Perhaps it was a landscape that could twist even the kind uncle’s thoughts about me a bit.
Such thoughts gnawed at me and began to consume parts of me until, before I knew it, a part of me was being eroded by them and transforming into a strange shape.
However, it didn’t end with just the uncle’s voice.
“Asha, are you alright?”
“…, Aah….”
Even though my eyes were too cloudy and unclear to see, I recognized the owner of that voice.
It was clearly Rain’s voice, who used to pat my head and hold me in his arms.
“You said you were in a lot of pain…, so I came.”
“Aah…, ah….”
Only then could I begin to feel the presence surrounding me one by one.
It belonged to Uncle Rendo and also to Rain and Zvezan.
There was Ildrin’s presence, and the gym leader Rini’s as well.
Moreover, even Janssen from the adventurer’s shop, whom I had only met once, was looking at my condition.
“…. ”
“Ah, ugh….”
I couldn’t manage to say a proper word, just like when I was a child.
I didn’t want to be caught.
I didn’t want to be seen.
At least, I wanted to hide this from those who were making an effort and sending me their affection.
“…. ”
“P-please… don’t look at me… This… this appearance….”
So I forced the words out from my blocked throat.
I didn’t wish for this.
I wanted those who cared for me not to see my grotesque and repugnant form.
I didn’t want to be reminded that what constituted my essence was a hideous thing entirely different from them.
I considered myself close to a beast rather than a human.
I found it embarrassing and shameful, a product of instincts.
The moment my ashen nature was about to be revealed to the world, tears began to roll down.
Ashen powder scattered with emotions, and mana should ripple according to feelings.
But emotions of sadness and despair had consumed the entire night, so even if I shed tears, they wouldn’t rise again.
I needed to erase this hideous form quickly.
However, no matter how much I clenched my fists and bit down hard enough to make a sound, no mana would rise, forcing me to defile their eyes helplessly.
“P-please… don’t look at me….”
Their silence felt like sharp blades piercing my heart.
Even when I furrowed my brow, I couldn’t discern their expressions, making it impossible to read their thoughts.
I was anxious.
I was restless and desperate.
Even if the whole world despises me, I didn’t want that from them anymore.
Even if the world rejected me, I wanted to receive affection from them.
I felt as if my world would plummet back to the bottom of an alley.
I was terrified and frightened that I couldn’t even face their expressions now.
And then.
A figure wobbles and approaches me.
The sound of footsteps is frightening.
Clop—
What words would be spoken, what actions would happen, I was terrified as I could not gauge any of it.
It was no more than three or four steps away.
Clop—
Now, as those steps drew near, it felt like hours to me.
Clop—
The moment I was touched by that footstep, I had to shut my blurry eyes tightly.
A hand approaching with a swish and a breath blowing softly.
What if that hand tightens around my throat?
What if that breath unleashes harsh words?
I was.
“….”
I was that…
“Asha.”
“….”
That was…
“Go to Ain.”
“….”
“Do what you want to do. Asha, go for what you desire.”
I knew that was.
“Everyone thinks the same way. We are always on your side, Asha.”
“…, Ah.”
Why was I so scared?
“It’s okay. You’ve held on for three years. Now you can do what you want.”
“Ah, ugh….”
Why did I think that the affection I had received thus far would have vanished in an instant?
“I’m sorry for not being able to tell you sooner. I’m sorry for just watching you struggle, knowing how hard it was for you.”
“…, Huh. Hic, ugh….”
They had always been sincere with me.
“Get up quickly and go to Ain. Go and hit that foolish son of his on the head.”
“Ugh…, Hic, Huh….”
Even though I couldn’t see properly, the gentle smile filled my mind vividly.
So.
Did I just say that emotions scatter in ash and mana ripples according to feelings?
It still holds true now.
Sadness and despair have burned out to the end, and it will take time for the flames to reignite.
Yet I still had many emotions remaining within me.
One of those emotions thumped heavily in my chest, causing my rapidly circulating blood to stoke the dying flames.
Soon the ash began to surround me, and the mana began to swell.
Of course, it wasn’t threatening.
What I was releasing felt warm and splendid.
“Yeah, ashen too is beautiful.”
“Yes, it’s a beautiful sight. So it should be recorded.”
Hearing those voices made my face flush, and I waved my hand.
“I offer the recording.”
In front of them, I naturally recited the incantation.
The once hazy view suddenly became clear.
The pains that had been striking my whole body faded away, and even the sticky stench of blood dispersed.
Thus, finally.
I was able to see their expressions.
“…. ”
And it was undeniably filled with affection.
“Go, Asha. Go and give that guy a good thrashing.”
There was Uncle Rendo’s hearty laughter.
““We’re counting on you to take care of our son.””
There was warmth from Rain and Zvezan.
“If you need any books, just let me know. I’ll prepare them.”
As always, the slight smile on the unfriendly face.
“I will prepare protein and exercise equipment for your upcoming journey. Be sure to punch Ain in the solar plexus with your fists hardened from training.”
Even if that wasn’t a smile, I’d let it slide.
“Well… you can ask me for any items you need. If you run low on money, I’ll put it on credit with that brat Ain.”
There was a sort of awkwardly formed smile too.
I realized.
The culmination of my efforts wasn’t the bittersweet collapse suggested by the words of those who cared for me.
The grocery store uncle.
Every parent from every household.
The librarian.
The gym leader.
The owner of the adventurer’s shop.
Simply calling them that was utterly insufficient; I had to redefine them.
If they would allow it, these people were undoubtedly my family.
They were my family who generously gave without any reason or gain.
Though it was infinitely inadequate with such expressions, I was too foolish and dense to know any greater expressions.
So.
I intend to move forward, filled with their affection.
Because I am an extraordinary ashen.
Because I am a flawed and deficient ugly ashen.
I would surely falter again after taking a few steps.
I would still overflow with incompleteness and behave foolishly.
Whether I can stand proudly alongside him remains uncertain.
But I will move forward.
This is my resolve.
Having collapsed and repeatedly struggled for the past three years, there are those who wish for my happy ending.
Though I had once thought I would eventually crumble without ever reaching him, there are those who now support and push me from behind.
I grasp their hands and stand once more, straightening my knees.
Thus, I am hoping.
At the end of this journey, marked with signposts.
I hope to reach that goal, to embrace the light and meet my end.
