“All right, please close your eyes once.”
“…….”
“Open them again, how does it feel?”
“It’s fine.”
How in the world did it come to this?
The me in the mirror wore a bewildered expression.
Although my face looked a little pale, it regained some vitality.
It really shouldn’t be. After all, I now feel more drained than ever.
A bright and cheerful-looking woman smiled at me in silence.
Her somewhat eerie smile made me quickly amend my words.
“It, it looks pretty on me.”
“Yes, then let’s go get your hair done.”
“Can I follow?”
“Yes, please come along.”
My hair, which was only roughly brushed, was smoothed with soft oil.
The look seemed not very different from before but strangely felt more refined.
In other words… I was suddenly being given an unexpected makeover.
*
Perhaps I asked something unnecessary.
What I intended as a comforting visit ended up stirring up old wounds.
Surprisingly, the coffee I sipped didn’t taste as bitter.
Is my sister now seeing both me and my younger self simultaneously?
Maybe her kindness towards me contains some vicarious satisfaction.
I thought about it for a moment, but it didn’t seem too significant.
“It doesn’t feel like something you’d apologize for…”
“She might not like it. Judging someone without knowing them, and dispensing undeserved kindness. It’s actually quite rude.”
“It’s fine. It was consoling to me, so it’s alright. I haven’t done anything wrong. So can’t you… just give me a hug?”
Elderlyn. No, Yuserin…
…Sister slowly drew me closer.
Her lightly entwining arms. My chest rising and falling with every breath.
The warmth only humans could convey softened the cold in my bones.
Together with that warmth, I felt like the person that was me was gently melting away.
“A little longer, just a little longer. It’s warm and… it feels good.”
Actually, I was using others as substitutes too.
After all, I just longed for this warmth. At the beginning, it wouldn’t have mattered who it was, as long as I could get what I wanted.
Someone who draws close, someone who knows how to say the right things.
If I had met such a person, my heart might have fallen for them right away.
The warmth of people has become far too precious to me.
So, if I could borrow some embrace, it would be worth paying a bit of a high price.
Even if some sinister intent lies behind that warmth, I may still be able to overlook it somewhat.
Perhaps I am much easier to handle than I thought.
I pressed my body closer into Yuserin’s arms.
It was still warm.
Even though spring has left the world, winter has not yet ended for me.
“Um… there was something I lied about before.”
“What is it?”
“My leg, it’s not a recent injury. It’s been a long time since it became unusable.”
“I knew that. So did everyone else, they just went along with it.”
“What?”
The shocking statement was said with no emotional fluctuation.
When I looked up, I saw her face with a faint smile.
I felt like an idiot for thinking I had hidden it well.
I immediately lowered my head again.
“How did you know?”
“The crutches and braces were extremely worn out. Also, habits… the body can’t lie, you know. And also, somehow it feels like Da-eun can’t lie.”
“I never noticed that…”
I thought I was quite skilled in psychological warfare.
But to hear that I couldn’t tell a lie to others…
Looking at my leg braces now, the marks of time were vividly present.
I had thought of them as a part of me for too long, losing even the awareness of them.
After all, I’ve been wearing them ever since the accident.
Maybe it’s time to get a new pair soon.
“I practiced kendo when I was young. It’s become difficult now. But I was… pretty good.”
“Mm, you must’ve been good. I’ve seen it.”
“You flatter me too much. Now, phew, I can’t even do anything.”
“Just saying what comes to mind.”
“Hehe…”
Being careful with my expressions,
I started the story.
Stories that would bring me pain if brought up, I’ll skip.
I just mentioned that the leg injury was due to an accident.
Not specifying that it was a certain kind of unlucky and unreasonable one the world should feel ashamed for me to have endured.
I described the condition of my leg relatively accurately.
My left leg feels like a rigid lump of stone.
No matter how I struggle, it barely moves.
And even so, if the weight distribution is wrong, or if it gets hit from the outside, it feels like deathly pain.
It felt like a divine punishment from a spiteful god.
It would’ve been better if there had been no hope left at all.
Leaving just a thread of it felt like malicious torture.
When the doctor suggested amputation, would things have been somewhat better if I agreed?
Sometimes that thought crosses my mind, but I don’t want to ponder it deeply.
“Doctors said before, my leg—there’s a possibility it could be fixed. So I needed money, and… I earn it through the game.”
“Have you thought about streaming? Is there any particular reason you haven’t?”
“I want to… I also want to talk with people. I wish more people would watch me.”
“Then…?”
“I can’t with my current headset.”
Futzing around with my fingers unnecessarily, I briefly faltered, biting my lips.
A metallic taste filled my mouth.
Yes. It’s something I have to say no matter what.
If I hadn’t meant to say this, I shouldn’t have called for Elderlyn at all.
Gathering my courage, I began my explanation about my headset.
The VR headset my parents were developing for critically ill patients.
A device using an overly risky neural interface method that has since been discontinued.
Initially not designed for gaming—preventing it from doing things like streaming.
It has become both my personal haven and personal cage.
And now…
I might not even be able to use it anymore.
“I… might not be able to play games anymore. The game company staff is coming in a few days. It may only be a matter of weeks. If they find it excessively dangerous, they won’t let me connect anymore.”
“They’re coming?”
“Yes. It’s apparently dangerous. In fact, I know too. If I keep using this, there might come a time when I get injured. But… what am I supposed to do if the headset is gone?”
There must be a reason birds fall from the sky.
It’s either because their wings are broken or their bodies can’t fly anymore.
Similarly, the discontinued neural interface had its reasons.
But this is the only thing left for me.
One day, I might die playing games.
It might be an acute shock syndrome like everyone feared, or severe depression that drives me to slit my throat—though the second seems more plausible.
But if I lose even the games, I will undoubtedly die.
“No… it’s too cruel. Everything was already taken from me—you, mom, dad, kendo, everything in my life. And now, I thought I had finally learned to cope. This is excessive…”
“Da-eun, slow down. Calm down, okay?”
With great effort, I took a deep breath. In, out, breathing slowly.
The tightness in my chest eased thanks to her firm embrace.
Still, I couldn’t get the answers I sought.
I am a woman of few skills.
My body isn’t complete, and except for the sword and games, I don’t know what else I’m good at.
The only thing I have is my face, which everyone acknowledges as pretty.
So what should I do to save my legs?
If all I have is my looks, should I sell my body?
There are plenty of wealthy and greedy people.
Through living as an “unfortunate woman,” sooner or later, I inevitably learn this fact.
Maybe I’d be quite valuable in the market. Perhaps I’d even receive the warmth I desire.
But…
Surviving that way would make further reasons to repair my leg or dream impossible.
As my spirit drowns in alcohol or hedonism… perhaps one day my body will be freed from this earthly burden.
It’ll be a short, intense flight.
Since it’s bound to end that way…
Rather…
“Um, I just want to die now…”
Sister covered my mouth with her hand.
“Da-eun, you said you wanted to try streaming?”
“Yes, but not in real life…”
“Knowing that you might not be able to game anymore, I can’t beat the game company for you, but I do have something that can help, a kind of insurance. The more, the better, isn’t it?”
“Eh…?”
The car cruised on empty roads.
I’m not sure where we’re headed.
But Elderlyn seems full of vitality at the moment.
Her enthusiasm made me a bit nervous, so I fidgeted with my fingers.
“Sorry, I can’t stream in real life.”
“Why not?”
“Well… I’m not strong like I am in the game world, and I don’t know how to enthusiastically talk. I’m nothing like Gawol.”
“You are Gawol.”
“It’s different, I mean, I…”
I instinctively closed my mouth.
“I’m gloomy, and full of jealousy inside. Honestly, I envy you. I dislike everyone who’s happier and shinier than me.”
I couldn’t say this.
So I looked for another excuse.
“I’ve been hated a lot, haven’t I? I definitely can’t handle it.”
Gawol can endure all the hate from others.
But Da-eun can’t.
If people direct their blame towards me… I might just crumble.
I’m afraid.
My heart isn’t resilient enough.
“True, you’ve made a lot of enemies…”
“Yes, exactly…”
“But you’ve been more popular. You don’t seem to realize it yet, so let’s prepare well and go for it anyway.”
“No! It scares me!”
“Do you really mean that?”
The car stopped due to a traffic signal.
Sister placed her hand on top of mine.
“I won’t force you if you truly dislike it. But I’d appreciate it if you’d trust me once. What do you say, Da-eun?”
