Marble wanted to simply be marble. It wished to display its grandeur and to be loved by all in its marble form. However, its father—fearsome, enormous, and terrifying—wanted to carve the marble into the image of the eldest grandson. The father was a soldier. He began chiseling away at its flesh, bones, body, and spirit, claiming it was for marble’s own good, shaping it into the image he desired.
Marble grieved as its beautiful form was ruined; crying, however, was not permitted. Being the eldest son meant one must not cry, not laugh, be strict, quiet, wise, excellent, more considerate than anyone else, and more humble than anyone else.
Marble wondered if it could never be recognized as marble, if it had to become a statue to be valued—but asking such questions wasn’t the attitude of an eldest son. So the child merely pretended to be a good kid, deceiving itself in the process.
Goodbye, cruel world. In my youth, I was a good child, a reliable eldest son, a cheerful friend, and an outstanding spare part. This level of compensation seems fair enough. I don’t wish for anything more or less—I only wish to escape from the pain of self-deception and find rest.
The wild boar’s fierce assault could have been avoided, but it wasn’t. My body and spirit were exhausted, and I had lost the will to live. I believe no one would condemn this as suicide.
Yet, for some reason, I received an unwanted second life. It felt like hell. A pastor from a church I visited during troubled times once said that those who commit suicide go to hell. Indeed, it was a truthful statement, the proper argument. If not, there would be no way to explain my suffering. My family had always been my jailers and my prison, and in this other world, it wasn’t much different. How could I expect to arrive at paradise after fleeing?
Even just once, I longed to belong to an ordinary family, to receive ordinary love and expectations. But even that desire was a sin—a sinner deserves to suffer.
So this is my karma, my sin. A coward who fled must pay the price.
I lay crying in the wilderness, but my father’s boots did not come flying. Perhaps now, since I am a girl, it’s okay. Let me cry my heart out—waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah.
This is a joke. I must remove this pus-like jest before it festers. If left too long, it turns from a joke into phlegm. This is a joke.
I apologize. Father loosened his leather belt and struck me. The pain was palpable, but it wasn’t my pain—it was the eldest son’s pain. It looked unbearably painful.
What reason do I have to keep living? If I ask, I wouldn’t know the answer, nor would anyone else. Even the wisest sage wouldn’t understand. Life should remain a mystery, yet why is mine so clearly defined? By suffering. They say life has joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness, but where are the joy and happiness?
There must be many others who want to live. Why am I given a second life? Give it to someone else—I don’t need it. Did I offend someone? Why won’t you listen? Excuse me! I’m returning this! Why won’t you listen? Excuse me! Your cries drown out the voices of those who truly desire life. Excuse me!
The auctioneer’s loud voice deafens me. Who is calling my name, Alterra? I didn’t hear it because I wasn’t paying attention. Alterra.
I shouldn’t have been born. No, Alterra! Don’t say that! Pull yourself together!
Is that Mother waking me up in the morning? No, Mother wasn’t human—she was closer to an object. Alterra, get up as your father says! Do you hear me?! You’re more like a moving tool.
Why do mothers all look the same? It’s amusing. Will I become such a mother? Does Mother become me? Do I become Mother? Does Mother become me? Another jest arose in that fleeting moment.
My consciousness surfaced.
Nothing else was visible except Myungho. Trapped in thought, I almost met my end. If only being immersed in thought had heralded death. Is the dimness the sky, or Myungho’s shadow, or perhaps thick clouds? Did the sun try to commit suicide with me?
I don’t know. Ah, it’s my future. The dimness suits it perfectly.
“Huff… Huff… Alterra… Alterra!! Can you hear me?! Say something if you can… Damn it, this blessing thing isn’t working! Why isn’t anything happening?!”
Myungho kept rubbing something wet and sticky on my stomach, which was incredibly annoying. Despite wondering if staying still might mean I wouldn’t die, I felt pity for Myungho and spoke while lying down.
“Myungho.”
“Alterra?! Alterra!! You’re awake… Thank goodness… Really…”
“Kill me.”
Though I knew it wasn’t the best thing to say when he was shedding tears of relief, I couldn’t help but ask shamelessly. Myungho stopped his tears mid-flow and asked what I meant.
If he asked what I meant, explaining it seemed impossible, so I had no choice but to reveal my pitiful reasons.
“I’m scared of living.”
“…Isn’t dying scary too?”
Myungho looked at me with trembling eyes, as if he couldn’t comprehend. Our eyes met. Myungho’s gaze was filled with the desire for me to live. Oh, receiving such a look might shake my resolve a little.
“I’m scared. But living scares me more. All I’ve experienced so far is pain. Last time, this time—it’s all the same. Don’t misunderstand, the three months with you guys were enjoyable.”
“Then why…!”
Something streamed down my cheek. I thought they had already dried up, but apparently, there was still some left.
“Because I’m afraid you’ll leave too. Like everything else that invalidated me completely. I’m scared. Everything flows in the worst possible direction. The truth is cruel.”
Apparently, there was more than just tears left. My emotions surged, making it hard to continue speaking.
“They were all liars. Mom, everyone in Golsamet… They all just stared at my body. No one ever looked at me. Why have I been alive? For what? Have I just been suffering, waiting to give myself to someone…?”
“I’m not a liar, Alterra, please! I’m looking at you! So…!”
“You already lied to me.”
This much I could assert confidently. His claim of not being a liar was a lie. Myungho had hidden so much from me. Some things I could figure out.
“At first, you approached me because of my body. My strength, my appearance. And you still want my body now, don’t you? Isn’t that right?”
It was easy to see once I thought about it. Why would a monster stick around unless it wanted to cling to my power? This monster was beautiful unlike the others. That’s why you stuck so close, right?
Myungho couldn’t utter a single word in rebuttal, only opening and closing his mouth. See? You were only looking at my body.
…That’s right. There was nothing useful about me except my body.
If killing monsters is best done with a sword, then let’s use his blade. Though he approached me because of my body… I liked you best in this life.
So here, I’ll give you my soul too.
“Gently, please.”
Myungho continued staring down at me without moving.
“That’s true. At first, I definitely approached you because of your body. I needed your strength, and above all, you appeared so beautiful to me.”
I already knew that much.
“…Until you got covered in mold in that house. That’s when I started thinking differently. I wanted to protect you. I know, it sounds funny. What can someone weak like me protect?”
That’s exactly what it sounded like. If I hadn’t been crying, I would have smiled.
“…But thinking back now, it wasn’t like that. Wanting your body, wanting your strength, wanting to protect you. I’ve just… loved you since the first time I saw you.”
…
“…I’ll become your family. I’ll give you my love. I want all of you—your body, your heart, your mind. I want to always be with you wherever you are. Alterra, please don’t give up.”
…
…
…
I know. That guy loves me enough to throw everything away for me.
…But in the end, I was just making excuses and running away again.
I haven’t grown at all.
…
But… now, I think I can improve.
Because there’s someone to hold my hand when I fall.
“…You’re… ridiculously… selfish…”
More tears flowed. Myungho threw the sword aside and hugged me tightly.
“I love you, Alterra.”
“H-Hic… Hiccup… Waaaahhhhhh…”
That single embrace was extraordinarily warm.
