104. Venting
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When the two of them got back to school, Lin Nan seemed to have adjusted her emotions.
Though her face wasn’t exactly a canvas of expressions, at least she didn’t look like a walking frown anymore—just a bit puffy around the eyes, like she’d been practicing her best impression of a raccoon.
Chen Yao still worried about her. As they passed the cafeteria, he suggested, “How about we grab some dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You’ll ruin your stomach!”
Lin Nan ignored his attempt to play health police and quickened her pace past the cafeteria.
Chen Yao, helpless, followed her like a lost puppy.
Despite the slight uptick in Lin Nan’s mood, he still held his tongue, afraid that any wrong word might send her spiraling back into her sensitive shell. So, he trailed her in silence.
Soon enough, they reached the dorm.
Lin Nan pushed open the dorm door. Inside, Tu Junhui glanced over at the pair and, as usual, teased, “Look who it is! The beautiful Nan Nan has returned! How was the family reunion? What’s the bride price looking like?”
Before he finished, he noticed Lin Nan wasn’t retorting like usual. Instead, she tossed her bags into a corner and started to take off her shoes, heading straight for bed. Chen Yao shot Tu Junhui a look that could k*ll.
“What’s wrong with her?”
Tu Junhui looked confused for a moment, then turned back to see Lin Nan already curled up in bed, pulling the covers over her head—classic move. He remembered the last birthday incident all too well, where he accidentally triggered her wrath.
“Did you upset her?”
“Not my problem.” Chen Yao plopped down on his bed, staring at the blanket cocooned Lin Nan.
Lin Nan always liked to lick her wounds in private and could rarely be persuaded to open up. Surely, sharing her troubles with a friend and dumping her emotions like garbage couldn’t be so bad? But no, she’d rather wallow alone in her sorrows.
He shot a warning glare at Tu Junhui, who suddenly decided it was best to be quiet and instead looked expectantly at Chen Yao.
Ignoring him, Chen Yao bent down to unpack his suitcase.
Meanwhile, Lin Nan was huddled under her blanket, where she could finally let the tears flow, which she had been holding back in public. Back in the safety of her bed, her nose started to tingle.
How did she get wrapped up with Lilith, and why did everything have to go haywire? Sure, her family life was never a picture-perfect postcard, and being tossed between relatives left her feeling like a neglected houseplant. But at least her parents had been trying to build a decent future for her, and now it felt like all hope was dashed.
She was about to become a woman, and though her personality and body were gradually leaning more feminine thanks to Lilith, she still wasn’t ready to accept the reality of turning into a girl.
Even if she was starting to enjoy dressing like one, and her body was growing on her, the thought of completely becoming a woman still gave her the jitters.
Buried under the covers, her phone buzzed again.
Her mother had called about ten times that day, but she hadn’t picked up. Assuming it was just another call, she was surprised when it only buzzed twice and stopped.
Curiosity piqued, she grabbed the phone. Before she could even unlock it, a text from her mom popped up.
“Nan Nan, I’m really sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing leaving you at your grandfather’s when you were little and later putting you in a rental apartment. You had to fend for yourself even before hitting middle school. I know that’s tough—it wasn’t what I wanted either. I realize I owe you so much, but I have to provide for the family and help your dad out with your uncle too.
Nan Nan, I know you’ve always been so understanding and never complained to me, but now that you’re an adult, you really should start thinking about your future and life instead of just avoiding it, right? My education isn’t the best, and I may not have the right words, but your body is something you carry for life; it’s not a bargaining chip for your feelings.
Nan Nan, I love you very much.”
As she read the last line, the dam broke; tears flowed uncontrollably down her face. The ache in her heart felt like a kn*fe twisting inside her.
Her nose was throbbing, her throat dry and painful, tears blending into a mess of snot and sadness.
I don’t want to be this way… If you want me to have surgery, fine.
But wait a sec, I wanna be a man for a little while longer—give me some time…
Lin Nan tried to text back, but her hands trembled too much, so all she managed was a weak “Hmm,” before the phone slipped from her grasp and landed on the bed.
Her face buried in the pillow, she sobbed silently.
“Nan Nan, we’re going out to play ball!” Tu Junhui suddenly shouted, “Chen Yao, Xiong Da, weren’t we supposed to play ball?”
“Huh?” Xiong Da, engrossed in his mobile game, looked up in confusion, but before he could utter another word, Chen Yao was already shoving him out the door.
The dorm fell into an eerie silence. With everyone gone, Lin Nan finally let her cries loose, escalating from muffled sniffles to full-blown sobs.
She pounded her fist against the bed frame, making a loud thud that rang in the empty room. Her knuckles turned red and swollen, but the pain was nothing compared to the emotional turmoil inside.
Her eyes were so blurred with tears she couldn’t see a thing. She started to hiccup, leaning over the bed and dry heaving, but it only pushed her deeper into despair. All she could feel was resentment towards her own weakness and fear—after all, why couldn’t she be someone stronger?
If only I could be heartless…
They barely raised me besides sending money; why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I just be a little ungrateful brat? Why did everything explode when that text appeared?
Lin Nan longed to return to her middle school self, when she didn’t overthink and just charged ahead, reckless and unafraid to get hurt.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she ran out of tears. Her throat felt raw, and her chest heaved like a broken engine. Sniffing away the remnants of her breakdown, she climbed out of bed, her aching body protesting.
“Maybe a drink or a smoke would help…” she mumbled, glancing at Tu Junhui’s bookshelf, but those bottles had long been emptied.
She pulled herself up the stairs, tears still streaming down her face, her eyes swollen and red making it hard to see. With a crash, she slammed into the still-closed door to the dorm.
Leaning against it, she suddenly started pounding on the door like a madwoman, as if Lilith was right on the other side.
“d*mn!”
Finally done venting, Lin Nan wiped her face and crawled back to bed. Within moments, she drifted off to sleep, tears still glistening on her cheeks.
