### Chapter 33: The Shattered Hero Dream
In those slightly bloodshot eyes looking at me, I saw a flicker of light piercing through the gloom. It was a glimmer of hope born from helplessness and confusion—a feeling like being stuck at the bottom of a crumbling well, hands covered in bl**d, unable to climb out alone. And then, suddenly, a rope dangled down from above, making you desperately want to grab it.
It was like that moment when a person, with nowhere else to turn, desperately seeks reliance on someone.
From the restlessness in his eyes, the quivering pupils, and his constant swallowing, I could tell he was trying to meet my gaze yet couldn’t bear to lock eyes with me. That clenched fist and tense posture? Yeah, I saw right through it.
But…
“No.”
I firmly rejected Barry without batting an eyelid.
“Why not…”
In that moment, his pupils widened, his face displaying a mix of confusion and a hint of fear, tinged with pleading.
That look made my heart wobble a bit—like I was suddenly hit with an unexpected emotional earthquake.
I quickly diverted my gaze, opting not to look at the boy’s face any longer.
“…Phew—”
I exhaled softly, letting my turbulent feelings settle down slightly, and shook my head, unmoved: “No.”
“Why…?”
“There’s no why. A ‘no’ is a ‘no.’”
“I won’t be a burden…”
“……”
“Why…?”
He asked me again, layering on the dramatics: “I finally got to see you… now I’m a rebel of the Church, a sinner ‘tempted by heretics’… but I just wanted to be a hero!”
“I worked so hard to become a knight, just like Father and Captain Williams… I wanted to protect the people of the God of Guardians, but why… in the end… even you don’t want to accept me…”
The floodgates of his emotions had broken, and he couldn’t contain them any longer, voice trembling. I didn’t turn to look at his sad, confused, bloodshot eyes, but I could hear the crashing waves of suppressed sobs nearby.
“I don’t understand… Little Shay… I can’t fathom… I’m too scared to write to Grandma anymore… I can’t imagine how she’d feel if she knew everything… I miss her… but I can’t go to her… what am I supposed to do now… I’m a wanted criminal of the Church… a sinner… I’ve lost the face to return to the village…”
“……”
I had no idea what to tell him.
Whether then or now, I’ve never been good at comforting people.
“You’re right, I’m a selfish person… what a load of hero dreams… I can’t even take care of my only family properly… but that wasn’t my intention… I didn’t do anything wrong… So why… why did it have to end up like this… I’ve killed plenty of heretics… but ended up just like them, a sinner… why… sniffle…”
For a long time, the room was filled only with Barry’s helpless crying.
This wounded boy, throwing out every desperate question born of his despair and confusion—truth is, I could answer him all because those questions were mine too.
Weren’t they the very questions I’d asked myself in countless silent nights, alone with my heart?
But I didn’t want to just toss the answers at him.
At least not now. I wasn’t ready to tell him about the heretic war from two years ago or anything about the higher-ups in the Holy Church.
I didn’t want to harm him.
Nor did I want to impose my darker realities on this big boy who was barely an adult, still viewing the world in black-and-white terms, good versus evil.
He’ll figure out those answers someday.
And after that, he’ll choose a path that truly belongs to him.
When that time comes…
If he still wants to follow me and has the right skills to do so, then let’s go together.
“…Barry.”
After what felt like an eternity, sensing that his emotions were finally stabilizing, I lightly patted his shoulder, stood up from the bed, bent down, and stared directly at him, speaking slowly: “Next, I’ll tell you just one thing, so listen up.”
He looked up from his red, dull-eyed gaze.
“I understand how you feel right now because I’ve been through that too… being hurt by schemes, betrayed by those I trusted. Last year, I fled to the Eastern Continent, killed a lot of scumbags, and also some who didn’t deserve it. Now, with my hands stained in bl**d, I can’t even call myself a human hero anymore…”
I spoke, the memories flooding back of the Church knights who bravely resisted and died at my hands under the bl**d-red sunset of Eborista, and even earlier, those furious swords swung at me from the borders of Woodward Forest, with faces full of hatred.
So I took a long breath: “Maybe I never could’ve been a hero to begin with.”
“Honestly, like you, there were so many things I didn’t know what to do about after they happened, and now there are still many situations I don’t know how to tackle… I was once as helpless as you. Sometimes I think, maybe everything I did in the past was pointless…”
“No, you’re not—”
Barry tried to retort.
In his eyes, I was surely just that dazzling, powerful figure that seemed impossible to catch up to.
A silhouette living in the imagination of a big boy.
“I’m not as amazing as you think, nor as… pure. There are so many things, Barry, that you don’t know, and it might be for the best if you don’t find out in the future either.”
I paused, noting his silence, and continued: “It’s not that I don’t accept you, Barry. Understand this—you and Grandma Claire are like family to me; I would never abandon you. But the situation is complicated right now, and I don’t want you entangled in it.”
“It’s not just about carrying luggage or getting food… it’s not that simple. And I can’t promise myself that when the real danger comes, I’ll be able to protect you. For now, I don’t want you to have any contact with me.”
“I can’t let anyone know I’m alive, especially the Church… Do you get that? I can’t tell you the reasons now, but you must remember: when you leave here, act like you’ve never seen me, as if I’ve been dead all along… and whatever anyone asks, that’s the answer you give them.”
“If someday in the future, when you’ve settled down, become stronger, and more mature, and you’re capable of learning what you want to know about me from others… then, if I’m still alive and we have a chance to meet again, I won’t stop you from doing anything you wish.”
“……”
“Do you understand?”
I watched as the boy let his head droop again.
“I don’t know when it started, but you always see me as some clueless kid…”
He said, fists clenched tightly on his knees, voice filled with frustration and grievance.
