I am back – Chapter 67

“It looks good.”

Yoori’s remark came after our conversation had wrapped up.

It was that time again when I was seeing Yoori off as she headed out of the store.

As usual, she would come to hang out, we’d chat about our daily lives, and when it started getting busy, I’d excuse myself.

I knew well that Yoori didn’t do this just because she had time to spare.

She must be worried about me. Certainly.

So, I thought that her compliment about me looking good probably wasn’t meant in the straightforward sense.

“Um, A-yun.”

Yeah, actually, it hadn’t been easy these past few days.

I’d tried to look alright, because I didn’t want to cause concern for those around me.

Even Mom had managed to overcome Siyun’s death, so I couldn’t be the only one wallowing in sorrow.

And, in reality, time had been healing it bit by bit.

I started eating food again, began to go out, and even got to the point where I could ride in a car.

After meeting the pastor, I even began to work like this.

But no matter how hard I tried to look okay, people easily noticed that I really wasn’t.

Well, I had known these people for so long. There was no way they wouldn’t pick up on the fact that I wasn’t feeling that great.

…Since Siyun died, I hadn’t been anywhere for fun.

I had taken walks to clear my mind. I sometimes went out to eat when a friend called, making an effort to do what others normally did.

But no matter where I went, Siyun, who used to always be by my side, was absent.

He wasn’t in the places he should be seated, standing, or walking. For me, those spots were always just empty spaces. Even if someone else tried to fill them, it just wouldn’t be the same.

I had been told to forget several times.

I knew that the “forget” didn’t mean to completely erase Siyun from my mind. I understood that people were worried for me.

The deceased are dead, and the living must keep living.

But still, I couldn’t accept it.

So, since then, I hadn’t gone anywhere far for fun.

…It’s not like I hadn’t attempted to go. Even if it wasn’t with anyone else, I wanted to try going and walking alone.

But I couldn’t.

That was… it was something I had never done with Siyun.

The only trips we ever took together were school trips. Naturally, Siyun and I had never been to the same school since he was older than me, and our school trips had never overlapped.

Siyun had once said that we should go on a trip together when he had time. Mom should join us too, when she had a chance.

No matter where I went, I felt like I would be reminded of those words.

So, I couldn’t go. Not at all.

I just worked, went home to sleep, got up, and worked again… that was all I repeated. It wasn’t until I heard the pastor say I should take a break at least once a week that I managed to take the next day off. After that, I’d mechanically rest once a week, every Wednesday.

…So.

So, I’m saying I hadn’t really looked all that fine until now.

But meeting “Siyun” was slowly changing things.

Though he’s so different from the Siyun I knew… for some reason, he reminded me of that boy every time I saw him.

So, it wasn’t strange for Yoori to be worried.

“…”

Yoori opened her mouth to say something but then closed it, her gaze drifting to the bakery.

When I redirected my gaze, I locked eyes with Siyun inside. The boy waved cheerfully at us. Yoori also smiled back and waved in response.

“…So, you’re taking a break on Wednesday? Is that when you’re going for volunteer activity?”

“No.”

“Then can you spare some time that day? It’s been a while; let’s chat comfortably, just the two of us.”

“Alright.”

I said it without thinking twice.

I felt better.

But it felt strange.

I knew that much myself.

Yoori nodded with a slightly stiff expression, tightening then releasing her grip on my hand.

“See you then.”

To my friend who was verifying once more, I replied, “Yeah,” nodding to reaffirm.

*

“How is it?”

I asked Siyun, who was sipping coffee.

As always, he squinted while drinking, then swallowed the sip before responding.

“Um….”

He then spoke very cautiously.

“Actually, I don’t know much about coffee. Even if I tell you, it probably won’t be all that helpful…”

His demeanor was so apologetic that it reminded me of the Siyun from my childhood.

“No, it’s fine. In fact, if someone who doesn’t usually know coffee can enjoy it, that might mean it’s actually pretty good.”

Honestly, I wasn’t too sure about that.

What about me?

When I first tried coffee, I thought it tasted terrible too. But since everyone around me drank coffee without sugar, I forced myself to drink it so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed, and at some point, I ended up liking it quite a bit.

Coffee is bitter. It can be sour too. But between those bitter and sour flavors, at some point, there’s a fragrant aroma. The delightful taste that lingers in your mouth disappears as soon as you consume the coffee.

Then you end up longing for that bitter and sour flavor, taking another sip… and before you know it, you’ve finished the whole cup.

Perhaps it’s because I followed Yoori around while she was drinking.

I don’t think I’ve ever had coffee that didn’t taste like anything.

There were also opportunities to smell the aroma of coffee beans before drinking, and some cafés let you choose coffee beans based on that smell.

Truthfully, I couldn’t differentiate all those aromas. Maybe Yoori could, but I thought that all brewed coffee tastes pretty similar. While I sometimes noticed different subtle aromas… I simply enjoyed the moment of drinking coffee itself.

Once, I made up my mind and took Siyun to one of those cafés.

And when Siyun tasted that coffee for the first time, he frowned for a moment before quickly changing to a flustered expression.

Then he forced himself to finish the coffee. There was really no need for him to go to such lengths.

Yeah, I used to do that at that age too…

At one point, I had hoped that Siyun could also enjoy coffee with me.

“…Um…”

Siyun, who had taken a sip of the coffee I made, tilted his head as if pondering and then said,

“It’s a bit bitter and slightly sour… but… it seems to have a fragrant aroma left in my nose. A little bit fragrant… but honestly, I can’t tell if it’s a fruity aroma or what.”

Siyun smiled as if he was in a bit of a dilemma while answering that.

“Is that so?”

But that was enough.

…The reaction of the Siyun in front of me might have been what I would have expected if the Siyun I knew were here now.

Of course, there were plenty of differences. He was a year younger than the Siyun I knew, and he must have had a completely different past to grow up this way.

“It’s okay. Honestly, I was somewhat satisfied with how it turned out.”

I said with a smile.

I had recently bought some coffee gear. I had thought about one day selling coffee made by me in this café, but for now, I was still practicing.

It was the first time I made coffee for Siyun.

Yet, since this was his first reaction, I thought I should pay more attention and share something with Yoori too.

“You really like coffee, don’t you?”

Siyun asked again, a question he had once posed when I first started working at the bakery.

“Yeah, I try to keep liking it.”

“Try to?”

“Yeah… even if I like it, if I forget why I liked it at some point, I won’t remember what made it enjoyable. So I have to keep repeating it, over and over, to remind myself why I liked it, what was so good about it, and why I want to keep liking it.”

“Is that so?”

Siyun tilted his head at my words, and I chuckled softly.

“Yeah. Liking something is… it’s a pleasant thing.”

And it’s a sad thing too.

Ah, this is why I liked it, right? Yes, that was how it was back then. Recollecting the past can be delightful but also quite melancholic. The feelings of liking something now can never be the same as back then. Even if I like it more, it feels entirely different. The excitement of discovery during the time I knew nothing compared to embracing it softly once the passion had cooled down… it’s bound to be different.

But still, I will continue to like it.

The fragrance nestled between the bitterness and sourness is something I don’t want to forget. That subtle scent feels like it could vanish quickly if I just forget it for a moment…