I am back – Chapter 82

“I’m sorry.”

How many times have I apologized already? At least more than three, I think.

What on earth is there to be sorry about?

Noona doesn’t have anything to apologize for. Things just went that way back then.

The fact that I got hurt was just because of my own choices. Noona had no reason to be affected by that.

“…It’s okay.”

As I gently stroked Noona’s back, I said that.

She took a few breaths in my arms. It seemed like she was trying to stop crying. She really didn’t need to try so hard. It was okay to stay in my embrace.

But Noona’s breaths slowly calmed down. Her sobbing faded, and her trembling shoulders steadied considerably.

“…”

“…”

Noona stayed in my embrace for a moment, then slowly opened her mouth.

“…I’m okay now.”

At her words, I gently lowered my arms that were wrapping around her back. Even after she moved away, the part where we touched still felt warm.

“Haa…”

With one final big sigh, Noona swept her hands over her face.

After her hands came down, her face was still a bit flushed. Her eyes were still red and swollen.

With that face, Noona awkwardly smiled at me. The awkwardness of that smile probably came from having just cried and also from having been held in my arms moments ago. A little embarrassing, too.

Still, after crying so much, Noona looked much better than in the morning.

“I showed you my ugly side.”

“No, it’s okay. That can happen.”

I said that to her as she lamented.

“…Mmm.”

Noona turned her head to look out the window, as if feeling a bit shy. That look was kind of cute.

“…”

“…”

For a moment, silence fell between us.

To be honest, it was an awkward silence. How could it not be after such a scene? Noona had cried her heart out, and I was still feeling a bit choked up myself. Even my apron had a bit of her tears on it.

After a while of this lingering silence, it was Noona who first broke it.

“By the way…”

She spoke in a tone that made it seem like she was trying to be casual.

“Do you have a boyfriend, Siyun?”

“Huh?”

I was taken aback for a second. I never expected Noona to ask me that.

But the sudden racing of my heart calmed down quickly. Thinking about it, it’s not such a weird question. Asking someone if they have a partner isn’t bizarre. It could be asked between girls or guys.

Even if there’s no particular interest in the other person.

“Uh, no, I don’t…”

I awkwardly replied because I was momentarily flustered.

“…Really?”

Noona responded like that.

And then we fell silent again for a while.

*

I don’t even know why I acted like that.

I never thought I was someone who would be so impulsive.

What was the reason that I gave Siyun a present just in time for her birthday?

Am I really just seeing Siyun through Yoori’s lens, as Yoori said? Not treating her like a person, but overlapping the image of the dead person onto the living one?

Siyun, who received my gift, looked genuinely happy as she smiled. That smile of hers was too beautiful.

And that smile reminded me of the Siyun I remembered.

The two of them didn’t resemble each other at all, but strangely, their smiles overlapped so easily in my memory.

The shape of her lips, where they curled up, the way her eyes crinkled.

Is it just that I’m projecting the image of the past onto Siyun? Or is it really that their laughter resembles each other, like Yoori said? Perhaps Yoori was also overlapping the image of Siyun onto another person.

…No matter the reason, I knew that what I was doing to Siyun was wrong.

What would it be like if the Siyun, who smiles so brightly and innocently, found out the reason behind my actions?

That smile could be because she doesn’t know anything. How would she feel if I told her I was overlapping the image of the dead onto her? She might feel a chill run down her spine.

I had to tell her. But I was so afraid to speak.

If Siyun found out the truth, she might just leave.

And I would go back to my usual life.

Carrying the burden of my unhealed heart, I would act like a machine every day.

Maybe I would gradually heal. Just like how people say time heals all wounds, maybe my scars would slowly fade away over a long time. Just like how I started going out little by little after never leaving home, or how I started working and moving regularly after not being able to properly attend school.

Just like how I was able to convince myself that I was slightly better because I went out for volunteer activities every day. Like how I gradually lessened the worries I burdened my mom and friends with.

—Perhaps, Siyun would also slowly be forgotten.

…But then again.

If that happens, will I still be as happy as I was when I knew and remembered Siyun?

That thought terrified me.

I know it’s selfish.

But…

…Yeah, but Yoori is right.

I couldn’t keep living like this forever.

Today, Siyun passed by without suspicion, but she surely would ask again next time.

If I kept giving her gifts, she would definitely grow curious about their meaning.

Especially if I gave her gifts every year on the same day.

Would I still be able to hide the truth from Siyun then?

“By the way…”

The fact that I asked that too was quite impulsive.

“Do you have a boyfriend, Siyun?”

“Huh?”

I had never thought about the possibility that she might have one.

But it wouldn’t be so strange if she did.

Siyun seemed to be living a better life than I did when I was young, and she probably had friends, too.

Honestly, there were parts of her that I couldn’t understand.

When I first met her, she seemed so unstable and struggling with interactions. But one day, she said she was hanging out with friends. I was surprised, but I tried not to show it.

I was curious about the friends she hung out with. But I didn’t dare pry too deeply, thinking it might seem rude, so I kept quiet about it.

So really, Siyun wasn’t the type to spill all her stories in front of me. So it wouldn’t be strange at all if she had a boyfriend and met him after work.

Maybe she found someone after starting work here. Unlike me, who was still stuck in the past, she might have been trying to move away from her injuries, little by little.

“Uh, no, I don’t…”

Siyun answered like that.

That reply oddly made me happy.

Why was that?

Siyun and I were both girls.

But my heart raced at her words, and there was nothing I could do about it. Even without knowing why, I felt that joy.

“…Really?”

“…”

For a moment, silence fell again.

A strange tension arose. What if Siyun started to think I was weird? As a girl, I suddenly asked her such a question.

Could it be uncomfortable for her?

I messed up.

I was acting overly impulsively today. Maybe it was because of the conversation I had with Yoori last time. Ever since that day, I was subconsciously aware of Siyun, overlapping her every little action with memories of Siyun. I didn’t even know if those memories were accurate or not, and yet I kept seeing Siyun everywhere in my mind.

All of that might have begun to unravel with today’s gift.

Our daily lives were getting dampened because of that impulse.

Had I made an irreversible mistake? Had I spoiled Siyun’s life?

Thinking like that made me uneasy inside.

“…Do you have a boyfriend, Noona?”

Siyun opened her mouth.

“Do you have someone you’re dating?”

“…”

I was momentarily at a loss for words.

Someone you’re dating.

I had heard that word from Yoori several times. To anyone, it looked like we were dating, and even though I denied it, I still felt a sense of romance when I was glued to Siyun’s side.

We held hands tightly while wandering around together. Like a younger boyfriend, I would give Siyun various things to eat.

I loved the way Siyun smiled. I loved the way she followed me around. Always.

…But she wasn’t someone I was dating.

She wasn’t my partner—

“…But I do have someone I like.”

Yes, someone I like.

Not someone I used to like, but someone I still like.

So, I had to shake off my selfish actions as quickly as possible. It was wrong for Siyun—and also for me.

“…I just suddenly want to see that person.”

I smiled at the corner of my mouth, hoping that my smile didn’t look forced to Siyun, and turned my head away.

In the direction my gaze landed, I saw Siyun looking at me in surprise.

“I’m thinking of going to see them today.”

Honestly, that wasn’t my actual plan. After the day passed, I hadn’t gone out of my way to seek them out.

But for some reason, I wanted to do that today.

“…Do you want to come with me?”

And even though I knew that saying this was crossing an irreversible line, I asked Siyun like that.