I am back – Chapter 84

My head has turned white.

I had imagined it. It was one of the possibilities I had thought of while coming this far.

Once, it was a dream.

That my older sister liked me. That she cared for me.

But I, the coward, never mustered the courage to confess my feelings to her until the very end. I was always anxious, wondering if she would leave my side someday, and I kept thinking, just a little longer, just a little longer… until I grew up and became an adult, then I would tell her how I felt.

I wouldn’t say I had never thought about it, though.

She was always kind to me, and the time we spent together felt long. She would casually hold my hand and wander around. Even with Yoori’s mischievous teasing, she never let go of my hand.

I was always nervous, holding my sister’s warm hand.

Yeah, I did wonder.

Would she really go this far if she didn’t like me? At least, from what I could see, she didn’t act this way with other guys.

There were times when I waited for her in front of her university. No, to be honest, it happened quite a few times.

University was different from high school or middle school or elementary school; anyone could walk in through that wide-open door. Nobody suspected anything. It was almost natural. There were no uniforms in university, so there was no way to distinguish between students and non-students.

At first, I thought it was a bit embarrassing, but after going in a few times and realizing nobody raised any suspicions, I became a little bolder.

But still, I never ventured too deep, not wanting to be a burden. I felt a bit anxious about the glances that came my way.

My sister rarely came out alone after classes. It was only natural for her to be popular since she was friendly and pretty.

She would come out with Yoori or, sometimes, chat happily with other female classmates.

And very occasionally, she would be with male classmates who would talk to her.

But when she was with her female classmates, she seemed a bit more relaxed, while with the male classmates, she appeared somewhat awkward. Usually, the guys would just initiate conversations, and she would awkwardly smile, responding in the bare minimum.

But then, when her eyes met mine, she would beam and wave at me.

The male classmates who were talking to her usually became a bit embarrassed at that point and would quickly say goodbye and leave.

That repetition happened a few times, and soon no male students followed her out.

However, there weren’t many days where I could do that. I attended school as usual. I could only do that when she was a bit late… After doing that for three years, it seems the rumor spread within her department.

Of course, I didn’t let those rumors bother me and continued to show up consistently, and Yoori would smile brightly every time she saw me.

Later, I heard it slipped from Yoori’s mouth that she was the one who had spread those rumors the most.

…The reason I managed to do such a thing for three years was, of course, because I liked her that much.

I liked her. For a long time.

From my earliest memories with my sister to now, I have always liked her.

Now, I can be sure that she liked me too.

Ah, now that I think about it, Yoori seemed to be diligently trying to connect the two of us. She probably knew both of our feelings, which is why she acted that way.

In the end, we had to part ways without a happy ending, though.

“……”

Without a word, my sister took my hand and led me. I silently followed behind her.

I could see the walls standing side by side. The walls were densely packed with glass cases. Each of those glass cases contained a white porcelain piece.

In front of some porcelain were toys, in front of others, snacks or cigarettes. Booze or flowers.

Those must have been the things the people resting in the columbarium liked while they were alive.

As we wandered between the walls, my sister ducked through a gap between them.

And then she stood before one wall.

Slowly, my sister let go of my hand. For a moment, my hand remained suspended in mid-air before slowly falling.

My sister slowly bowed down and knelt on the cold marble floor.

While kneeling on the marble, my name rested in her heart.

Cha Si-hyun, that is.

My sister looked up at me, seeing me frozen in place, unable to sit beside her.

“……I.”

She started to speak but paused mid-sentence. Then, with some effort, she opened her mouth again.

“The person I like.”

Saying that, my sister slowly turned her gaze to where I was laid to rest.

And she slowly raised her hand over the glass case.

In front of the white porcelain with my name on it stood a small frame. In that frame, my previous self was smiling brightly.

……It was a picture from graduation day.

I was smiling brightly, unaware of what would happen next. Someone’s shoulder slightly peeked into the frame. Was it my sister? Or mom? I didn’t remember well. Both of them had taken the photo together…

Probably that appearance was the one my sister had kept in her memory.

A flower was stuck on the outside, as if someone had already visited.

“……”

What should I say?

Many words came to mind but sank deep into my consciousness again. No matter what I said, it felt like I couldn’t comfort her.

Five years.

Five whole years.

For five years, my sister hadn’t forgotten me. Not just forgotten, she kept liking me.

What could I possibly say to someone like that?

No, could I even call myself the person in question? The me she liked is inside there. The current me was like the one reborn after my death. It was definitely me, but… even if my sister knew my true identity, would she still like the me from back then?

I was happy that my sister remembered me. When I returned to this world, it brought me immense joy knowing there were people who remembered me.

But… wasn’t that memory just a painful reminder for them? Didn’t it serve as a shackle that held her back from moving on?

“Surprised, huh?”

My sister cautiously looked up at me and asked. The tremor in her voice was clearly noticeable.

She hadn’t done anything wrong. If anything, if there was a mistake…

“Sorry. For not telling you beforehand.”

“I…”

I felt like I had to say something, but once again, I couldn’t find the right words to convey.

…Yeah, I surely thought this.

If my sister hadn’t completely forgotten me and if she missed me at all…

I could gradually approach her and fill the place where my original self used to be. And maybe, even though the possibilities were low, I wanted to see if I could attain that relationship I had always dreamed of.

I thought that when my sister saw me overlapping with the past me, I could finally reveal that I was indeed him.

But that thought—

How selfish was that?

Her remembering me meant that even after five years, she couldn’t forget me.

Thinking back, it wasn’t that hard to recall.

I died in front of her.

How could she ever forget that?

Have I ever thought about what happened immediately after I died?

I simply brushed it off, thinking that just because I hadn’t seen it or felt it myself, it wasn’t something to consider.

I was hit by a big truck.

My body must have soared high into the air.

When I flew up, I would have already been bleeding from every part of me, and I ended up crashing down onto the ground lifeless.

THUD.

I might have had something popping out. It could have been cut or torn from somewhere.

My sister—

My mom—

They were surely there at that moment.

I think I heard their screams.

Most likely, both of them watched that scene unfold.

The me in the photo, smiling without a care, was the happiest day of my life.

That moment of happiness would have turned into the worst time because of my death—not just for me, but also for my mom, who might have had her heart eased a bit, and my sister, who could finally attend school beside the person she liked.

…Having passed away, I just left everything to those two. The sadness, the regret.

My hands trembled.

“……Siyun?”

Noticing my trembling hands, my sister’s eyes widened as she looked up at me.

What did I look like?

My sister quickly stood up.

“Siyun, just a moment—”

She reached her hand out—

Without thinking, I instinctively took a step back, avoiding her hand.

“……Siyun?”

I could sense a slight loss of energy in my sister’s voice.

I felt sick. My vision blurred, making it hard to see her properly.

Ah.

This can’t be happening.

It looked like I was rejecting her.

But—

Even so—

Thoughts were tangled up in my mind. I didn’t know which words to choose or how to act properly from here.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know anything.

Breathless.

While stepping back hesitantly, at one moment, I think I turned my back.

When I came to my senses, I was just running frantically.

Siyun, I think I heard my sister call out.