I am back – Chapter 95

The atmosphere suddenly became strange.

Could it be that I said something truly weird?

I’ve had this feeling of being off-balance for a while now. Is it because it’s been so long since I had a one-on-one conversation like this with my older sister? Or is it that, after five years, she’s changed so much that the focus of our conversation keeps slipping away?

When I was still a guy, back when I hadn’t died even once, my older sister never reacted like this, so I felt even more tense.

Her drink was still half-full. So she wasn’t tipsy yet.

“Uh, um…”

I tried my best to come up with a response to the situation.

“Would you like to go together?”

And I ended up saying something incredibly weird.

No!

My sister definitely got upset because of the amusement park talk. Of course, just the fact that I mentioned the amusement park couldn’t be the cause; she literally just said she didn’t hate it.

But still, isn’t it difficult to expect good vibes from her after bringing up the topic of the amusement park when she’s already feeling down about it?

Then, could it be something I said afterward?

Ah.

Could it be because I told her the rides were fun, despite her not really handling them well?

If she struggles on rides, going to an amusement park would mean waiting in even longer lines she doesn’t want to stand in, being forced to ride something she doesn’t want, or just watching her friends ride without anyone to join.

Besides, her friends would be having a blast and shouting about how fun it was and how they wanted to ride again, while she’d have nothing to say since she didn’t even get to experience it herself.

Was she worried about something like that if she went with me—

“Sure, let’s definitely go together!”

—Huh, maybe not?

Seeing my sister answer with a smile that shone as if the earlier mood was a total lie made me feel a bit dazed.

“Are you really going with me?”

“Of course! It’s just the two of us!”

Just the two of us.

That single phrase held a lot of power.

Up until now, spending weekends with friends had become almost routine for me. Except for once a month when we’d go for volunteer activities together, we’d been everywhere else quite frequently.

It wasn’t as glamorous a place as where we went for my last birthday celebration, but I’d tagged along with Dana to a shop, gone to a museum with Kalia, visited clothing stores with Pia, or gone to a botanical garden with Arna. It seemed like everyone did their own thing during the weekdays, but on weekends, we always stuck together.

But for me to go to an amusement park alone with my sister, I’d have to put aside plans with my friends.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy hanging with my friends, though. In fact, it was a ton of fun. Everyone had their unique reactions to this world, and watching those reactions filled me with delight and a peculiar pride.

But those feelings are different from what I feel when I’m with my sister.

The emotions I experience with her are polarized.

Either I’m extremely comfortable.

Or my heart is racing like crazy.

Honestly, it wasn’t good for my heart, but still, I didn’t dislike the sensation of my heart beating so fast.

No, on the contrary, I liked it.

“So… when should we go together?”

“Great! I’m glad our schedules matched, right?”

As she said this with a bright smile, my sister looked so beautiful.

*

I didn’t deny it.

I didn’t deny Siyun’s offer of going together, just the two of us.

Just that made me feel really good.

So, this also means that it wasn’t that big of a deal that Siyun went to the amusement park with friends.

Well, I guess that going with “friends” still has some significance. Memories made with friends are definitely lovely.

I cherished the time I spent with Yoori, but… this was a different “kind” of thing.

Hanging out with friends and spending time with a girlfriend—

Though we’re still a bit off from calling it dating.

Dating starts with each small step bringing you closer together.

“When would be good?”

Once I blurted it out, I thought maybe I was being too hasty.

…Honestly, I’ve never properly dated anyone. According to Yoori’s claim, I’d already “dated” Siyun, but when I think about whether we both considered each other actual partners, I had doubts.

I liked Siyun.

Did Siyun like me too?

Even if she did, I could firmly say that we weren’t in a dating stage.

We might have been close, but at the same time, we were keeping a bit of a distance, so we couldn’t get as close as Yoori described.

Well, the past is the past.

Now is now.

Right now, I was planning to go, just the two of us—

Just the two of us—

“…”

Going to an amusement park.

Something I couldn’t do before.

I could see Siyun’s face light up with a bright smile when she heard my proposal of going together.

It was such a familiar smile, yet it also felt so different.

Siyun was Siyun, but she wasn’t.

Right now, I was thinking of Siyun while being with Siyun.

Suddenly, that thought pierced my chest like a sharp object, giving me a painful twinge deep inside.

Perhaps, I would—

Continuously feel these emotions while doing things with Siyun that I hadn’t done before.

That guilt felt by both of us.

“Sis?”

Ah, it seems I’d zoned out while lost in thought.

No, no.

Siyun wasn’t here because I asked her to be. She wasn’t here just to substitute for Siyun; she was there as herself, by my side.

So, I should respond to that feeling.

Because I didn’t want to lose Siyun.

Selfishly.

“So, when’s good? This weekend is our volunteer activity, so should we aim for next week?”

“Uh, um, I’m good with anytime.”

As I spoke, Siyun twisted slightly in her seat. Even in the dim light, I could see her face turning red. Her glass was still half-full. One could think she’s just weak against alcohol, but I thought it was more likely from embarrassment.

“Okay, let’s set that day then.”

I tried to remember the last time I went to the amusement park.

In reality, I’d only been once. After finishing my university entrance exams, our class had decided where to go on a trip. My class and the neighboring class agreed to go to the amusement park.

It was fun. I lost track of time wandering around with my friends in the amusement park.

At that time, I barely rode any rides. There were too many people, and just looking up at the rides from below made my legs feel wobbly, so I couldn’t even think of getting on one.

But…

I looked at Siyun in front of me.

She had said she hadn’t managed the rides well in childhood, but it had been fun the last time she went.

Could I enjoy it too?

“Do you remember which ones were fun?”

“Ah, yes!”

At my question, Siyun lit up, excitedly sharing her stories. Just seeing her joyful expression made me feel good.

Well, Siyun definitely had that overall innocent vibe.

“Should I try riding along?”

As I said that, Siyun quickly nodded her head.

“Yeah, let’s ride together! Maybe starting with the ones that aren’t scary would be fine… I’m not sure.”

The way she hesitated mid-sentence was adorable. It seemed like she couldn’t quite bring herself to lie.

“From the way you’re hesitating, it seems like it actually is a bit scary?”

When I asked, Siyun shook her head vigorously.

Did she really want to ride with me that much?

“No, um, well, it might be a little scary at first…”

It seemed she was trying to convince me, moving her hands around while earnestly continuing her explanation.

Ah.

Yeah, I had seen this kind of thing before.

When I said I found horror movies scary and hesitated, Siyun insisted that this one didn’t have any real scary scenes while earnestly explaining.

Back then, she explained with her whole body like that. Did she want to see that movie with me so badly?

As Siyun said, there really weren’t any frightening scenes. Yet, separating that from the actual movie, it was indeed really scary, which was a rather odd conclusion.

Still, I managed to watch it to the end while holding her hand tightly.

Would it be like that again this time?

“Okay, then, shall we muster up some courage this time?”

As I propped my chin up with both hands, listening to her talk, Siyun’s expression brightened even more. For a moment, I thought the surrounding lights might not even be necessary.

Yes, I would need courage.

I finally found someone who wouldn’t reject me, someone willing to hold my hand.

And that person held out their hand to me with courage.

Then—

Having courage was indeed the right thing to do.